Learn How To Build Resilience
— A Guest Post by Pinky Jangra
It’s likely that a number of people reading this will have experienced some kind of abuse in their lives. That’s because it’s surprisingly – and sadly – common. On top of the reported figures below, there are many other types of abuse and often people suffer in silence. The path to healing abuse related trauma can be long and multi-faceted. One element of Positive Psychology that can help with healing is resilience.
Some say resilience is not just about ‘bouncing back’, but becoming even stronger.
The good news: resilience is not a rare, super human strength.
A study by Ann S. Masten called Ordinary Magic, Resilience Processes in Development found that resilience, the ability to bounce back after struggle, is in fact a very ordinary human trait:
“Resilience does not come from rare and special qualities, but from the everyday magic of ordinary, normative human resources in the minds, brains, and bodies of children, in their families and relationships, and in their communities”. – Ann S. Masten
That means, the potential for resilience is within you. The potential to bounce back in spite of abuse is within you. And that is an incredible piece of information to begin with.
7 Ways To Build Resilience And Heal Yourself From Abuse
Accept The Situation
Of course we wish that the abuse had never happened, but the fact is that it has happened. There is nothing more paralysing and weakening than trying to fight something that has already happened. It’s a battle that you won’t win.You have a finite amount of precious energy. Resilient people realise this and divert as much of their energy as possible into affecting things they change and looking to the future. Acceptance is not a passive resignation to a bad life, it’s an active movement towards a better life. Work towards drawing a line under what has happened.
Care For Yourself
People who suffer abuse tend to suffer low self-esteem. It’s crucial to unlearn the idea that you are unworthy of love and care and this starts by being your own best caregiver.
Build your strength and resilience by nurturing your mind body and soul with good, healthy food, meditation, yoga and other exercise. Take rest, pamper yourself and spend time in nature. Do things that make you feel good.
This sends your brain the much needed message that you are worthy and loved. When you feel loved, you feel like you can handle anything! You become a force, you become resilient.
Combat That Negative Thinking
One of the major issues for people who experience abuse is that they’ve been trained to think negatively about themselves, about others and about life. These negative thoughts create a weak state of being. To create the strong state of resilience, we must think strong thoughts.The ‘Learned Optimism’ model by Martin Seligman helps us to do just that. Here’s an example of how you can use it to build your resilience:
- A: Identify the Adversity
· My parents/partner hit me.
- B: Identify your Beliefs about the adversity
· For someone to treat me this way I must be a bad person and unworthy of love and care.
· Something must be wrong with me and people don’t like me.
· Relationships bring me pain.
- C: What are the Consequences of your beliefs?
· I feel very low self-esteem.
· I shy away from people and life.
· I will not seek new relationships for fear of being hurt.
· I will not stand up for myself because I must be in the wrong.
- D: Question and Dispute your beliefs:
· Because one person treats me badly, does that mean that no one will like me?
· Am I responsible for another person’s behavior or should they, as adults, regulate their own emotions and actions?
· How many people in my life treat me well, showing that I am worthy of love and care?
· Have I really done anything to deserve abuse?
· Is it really me that is at fault?
- E: Based on your answers to the dispute, Energise yourself
· I can’t control other people and I am not responsible for their behavior.
· I can choose to be around good people.
· I am not at fault.
· I have loving people around me.
· No one defines my self-worth except me.
· There is never an excuse for abuse.
Note that stage A – adversity, does not lead to stage C – consequence. It’s stage B – belief about the adversity that leads to the consequence.
It’s also important to feel the energisation stage as opposed to just giving it lip service. Emotions are critical in re-wiring your brain into a more positive, powerful and resilient state as well as in motivating yourself to take positive action.
Take Control Of Your Social Circle
The study by The National Institute of Nursing Research found that social support for abuse victims was a key contributor to their resilience. You may not have had support around you in the past and you can’t always control exactly who’s around you – but it’s very important to start getting a handle on your social circle.Start seeking out support groups and nurture relationships with the good people around you. Surround yourself with supportive, understanding and caring faces and don’t be afraid to ask for help.Resilient people know they can’t do everything alone, they also know that we pick up on the energy and mindset of those around us, so it’s vital surround yourself with people who will help you to heal.
When suffering the trauma of abuse, it can seem as if a heavy dark cloud hangs above all areas of your life. Practicing gratitude is a powerful way to start lifting this cloud. No matter how dark life seems, we can always find at least a speck of light.You might like to write a gratitude list at the end of each day – even if you can only find one thing to put on that list to start with. It might be as simple as gratitude for your food or for a smile from a stranger.As you train your brain to seek positive things to be grateful for, you’ll start tuning into more good things that ARE there. This will make you feel stronger, better and more resilient.
Change Your Perspective
What happened to you is just what happened to you, it’s not who you are. Abusive people have problems in themselves and their behavior was never anything to do with you, the truth is that you didn’t cause it. Abuse tends to get passed down through families, cultures and societal groups for many generations – this is a wider human issue, it’s not ‘personal’ and you’re certainly not alone. Does taking these sorts of perspectives give you relief? Can you change your perspective by finding more powerful truths about the situation?This is what resilient people do. They take back control of how their story is to be told and how their future is going to play out. Choosing your perspective puts you back in the driving seat.
Cultivate Hope For The Future
If you want to change your life and overcome the trauma of abuse then you must create change. The secret to change is to stop fighting the old and start building the new.
Dare to dream, dare to expect good things, dare to start making them happen, make goals, have a vision – about anything you like. It doesn’t have to be massive. Even a small plan for how you will care for yourself better is great.
Hope for the future builds your resilience by filling you up with strong thoughts, feelings and energy. Critically, it starts the movement forward and away from your painful past. You can’t be in your past at the same time as working on a better future. Choose your future.
Learn about the Science And Myth Of Hope.
Be patient and know that you decide the next chapter of your life.
Resilience is about inner strength and belief that you are powerful beyond measure. A resilient person does not see themselves as a helpless victim of circumstance, they know that they can decide how things play out from here on. They can decide to be well, strong and happy.
Don’t forget, resilience is an ordinary human trait. You have it in you. Be willing to tap into it and work on building it consistently. I hope the steps above help you to do just that.
In her New York Times bestseller, GRIT – The Power of Passion And Perseverance, pioneering psychologist Angela Duckworth shows anyone striving to succeed that the secret to outstanding achievement is not talent but a special blend of passion and persistence she calls “grit.” Grit is said to be composed of Goals, Resilience, Integrity, Tenacity.
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