Dorothy Tennov’s Love and Limerence: Chapter-Wise Summary

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You might have felt it: a strong mental state of being madly in love with someone you can’t have. That was limerence.

The term ”limerence” was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her groundbreaking book “Love and Limerence.” Since it came out in 1979, it has been one of the key resources to learn about the psychology of one-sided, unrequited romantic love.

Quick Overview: Summary of Love and Limerence

Dorothy Tennov’s “Love and Limerence” presents limerence as an irrational romantic obsession that is often marked by intrusive thoughts, emotional dependency, and a fixation on perceived signs of interest or rejection. The limerent person may be of any age, gender, or background. Limerence ends when there is mutual love, rejection, or transference to a new person.

• Tennov explains limerence as a third kind of desire, separate from romantic love and erotic desire.
• It is not better or worse than other types of attractions, but much more powerful than all of them.
• Limerence is usually unrequited, but if feelings are reciprocated, it can lead to love or distance.

Chapter-Wise Summary of Dorothy Tennov’s Love and Limerence

Here is a chapter-wise summary of Love and Limerence:

The Beginning

“I coined the word ‘limerence.’ It was pronounceable and seemed to me … to have a ‘fitting’ sound.” — American psychologist Dr. Dorothy Tennov

Tennov introduces limerence as a desire for romantic love, not love itself. This is like the early stages of falling in love, but quite different in terms of how intense it is and how it makes the limerent person feel.

Key characteristics of limerence onset:

• Can start quickly and suddenly.
• Strikes unpredictably, often when least expected.
• May involve perceiving a familiar person in an entirely new way.
• It’s more common in individuals with anxiety, BPD, depression, or ADHD. 

The most disturbing side of limerence is that it feeds on both hope and uncertainty. This sets up a mental trap where the person stays emotionally invested despite not knowing what will happen.

Limerence can happen to anyone at any time. Often, it transforms old friends or new acquaintances into objects of limerence. Find out the 6 Common Triggers of Limerence.

The Individual Experience of Limerence

“Limerence enters your life pleasantly. Someone takes on a special meaning. It may be an old friend unexpectedly seen in a new way. Or it may be a new person, someone who only a week before, perhaps just yesterday, was unknown to you. … You admire, are physically attracted, you see, or think you see (or deem it possible to see under ‘suitable’ conditions), the hint of possible reciprocation, and the process is set in motion.”

Understanding the terminology:

• Limerents: People experiencing limerence.
• Nonlimerents: Those not experiencing limerence.
• Limerent Object (LO): The target of limerent feelings.

The limerent person experiences an emotional rollercoaster that can include:

• Euphoria, when they interpret the LO’s actions as potential reciprocation.
• Despair, when they feel the LO doesn’t care or the future is uncertain.
• Social alienation, as limerence overshadows other relationships.

The Other Sides of Limerence

“Limerence can live a long life sustained by crumbs. Indeed, overfeeding is perhaps the best way to end it. It bears a definite resemblance to the condition of the laboratory rats and pigeons who continue to press the bar or peck at the disk even when the probability of food reward is gradually diminished.”

Limerence can be a solitary experience. The limerent often keeps it hidden from close friends and family. Though others may recognize it from their typical gestures, like daydreaming or distracted behavior.

Core components of limerence include:

• Obsessive thoughts about the LO
• Strong yearning for reciprocation
• Mood dependency on the LO’s actions
• Fear of rejection and physical discomfort around the LO
• Feelings of elation when reciprocation seems possible
• Emotional intensity that overshadows other concerns

When feelings are not reciprocated, limerence can cause serious emotional distress and heartbreak. Some limerents may transfer their feelings to a new LO, restarting the cycle. When reciprocated, limerence can turn into deep love or distancing.

• Read: Why ADHD People Feel Limerence?

The Social Effects of Limerence

“Quite often, however, it is the limerent, rather than the nonlimerent partner who terminates the relationship. Very often the break is accompanied by a ‘scene,’ which leaves the nonlimerent person saddened, distraught, and lonely.”

Social impacts of limerence:

• Can cause anti-social behavior and frequent absent-mindedness
• Leads to emotional instability with rapid mood swings
• May infuse excitement into otherwise monotonous lives
• Often drives intense self-improvement efforts

Positive changes might include:

• Starting exercise or beauty routines to attract the LO
• Upgrading appearance and clothing choices
• Developing deep knowledge about the LO’s interests

The Opinions of Philosophers, Psychologists, and Other Experts

“In some ways, a woman’s limerence for a male psychotherapist is as difficult to escape from as is limerence for a brutal husband. It is an aspect of his socially agreed-on role that he be not only polite, but warm, understanding, compassionate, concerned, etc., and that he focus his attention on his ‘patients’ in a very intimate and personal way.”

Tennov explores criticism from the renowned psychologist Albert Ellis, who felt limerence was irrational and potentially harmful. Ellis advocated for rational/emotive therapy (REBT) to help people experience romantic love without the negative aspects of limerence.

Limerence Among the Genders

“The image of woman as being in greater need of love could well result from a cultural upending of the actual inherent tendency. The social forces operating on her—and it cannot be denied that throughout modern history they have operated quite harshly—permitted no other role than one in which she required the protection of a male.”

Research suggests limerence affects both men and women equally, though societal pressures influence expression. Men may feel social pressure to not admit deep feelings, while women are more likely to acknowledge emotional dependence.

Cultural roles and expectations significantly shape how each gender experiences and expresses limerent feelings.

Limerence and Biology

“The most consistent result of limerence is mating, not merely sexual interaction but commitment, the establishment of a shared domicile, a cozy nest built for the enjoyment of ecstasy, for reproduction, and, usually, for the rearing of children.”

Limerence has biological roots that often begin around puberty, suggesting evolutionary advantages. From a reproductive perspective, limerence may promote long-term commitment over casual relationships, potentially benefiting mating and child-rearing.

Can Limerence Be Controlled?

Tennov reveals limerence is not a conscious choice. It mostly appears unexpectedly, and runs without voluntary control. 

“Limerence is not the product of human decision: It is something that happens to us. Its intrusive cognitive components, the obsessional quality that may feel voluntary at the moment but that defies control, seem to be the aspect of limerence in which it differs most from other states.”

Three ways limerence reliably ends:

1. Consummation: Reciprocation gradually transforms into lasting love or fades
2. Starvation: Clear evidence that the LO doesn’t return the feelings
3. Transformation: Limerence transfers to a new LO

Strategies for managing limerence:

• Understanding the nature of limerence, though knowledge may not always prevent its occurrence.
• Cutting contact with the LO, focusing on personal growth and other relationships, and seeking a counselor’s help for severe cases.
• One logical approach (though with limited effectiveness) involves a detailed examination and listing of the faults, shortcomings, and flaws of the person one is obsessed with, that is, the LO.

What Makes Limerence Different from Love?

Limerence is an intense, one-sided romantic attraction marked by obsessive thoughts, emotional dependency, and an overwhelming need for reciprocation. It thrives on uncertainty and can affect a person’s daily life and relationships.

Healthy romantic love, on the other hand, involves mutual respect, trust, and open communication. It is marked by a balanced emotional connection where both partners support each other’s growth and can express their feelings without fear of rejection or obsession.

Books On Romantic Attachment

1. Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love by Dorothy Tennov.
2. Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel: On how to maintain desire in long-term relationships.
3. The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman: On how different people express and receive love.
4. Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller: How attachment styles impact romantic relationships.
5. The Chemistry Between Us by Young & Alexander: How biology drives attraction and attachment.

√ Also Read: Celebrity Limerence: Why We’re Obsessed with Famous People

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