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The painful thought “Why does no one understand me?” comes from a sense of deep-seated social loneliness.
When you look into the eyes of every person, you realize that they simply do not see you the way you see yourself, and probably never will.
Then start these problems:
- You start to doubt your self-worth and the value of your relationships.
- People see you as irritable, who gets triggered or defensive for odd reasons.
- Others start avoiding you. And you start to pull away from friends and family.
- You feel exhausted from constantly trying to prove or explain yourself to others.
- Sometimes, you feel like the entire world around you works in a mean, narcissistic way.
- You are unhappy with the person you are. And confused about what to do with your future.
The feeling of being not understood is more common than you think.
More than two in five adults (44%) said they don’t feel anyone understands what they are going through, as per a November 2023 report by the American Psychological Association (APA).
From a psychological and Stoic standpoint, here is how to handle the thought, “Why Does No One Understand Me?”
1. Stop Reacting To How Others See You
There are two ways to respond to being misunderstood or not understood by others:
- You can either spend a great deal of time trying to correct other people’s misperceptions.
- Or you can choose to carry on with your life regardless of what others think of you.
Tolerating the fact that others may see you as dishonest, unkind, or rude is not easy. It calls for a great deal of self-control.
But it’s better than constantly trying to explain yourself, leading to emotional exhaustion and numbness.
2. Explore The Root of Your Emotional Deprivation
If you grew up with distant or unpredictable parents, you might have experienced emotional deprivation. Your pervasive feeling of being not understood may have come from there.
This might manifest in your adult life as feeling unlovable, over-compensating by demanding that your needs be met, or avoiding relationships altogether due to a fear of intimacy
Recognizing and reconnecting with this lost emotional vulnerability is the first step towards healing.
3. Practice The Stoic Principle of Control
Stoic philosophers hold that we cannot control external events. But we can control how we respond to them.
And that is the truth you must wake up to.
The principle of dichotomy of control is a useful tool to deal with feelings of being unneeded or unheeded.
You focus on what is within your control—your reactions, thoughts, opinions, and judgments—and release everything else.
You stop trying to control what others think or say about you.
As time goes on, it makes you stronger against being weighed down by other people’s opinions.
“If someone despises me—that’s their problem. Mine—not to do or say anything despicable. If someone hates me—that’s their problem. Mine—to be patient and cheerful with everyone, including them. Ready to show them their mistake. Not spitefully, or to show off my own self-control, but in an honest, upright way. That’s the way we should be like inside, and never let the gods catch us feeling anger or resentment.”
4. Be More Self-Aware of Your Emotions
The Stoics were pioneers in focusing on self-awareness and emotional intelligence.
They believed in and preached the need to self-reflect by introspection and journaling.
It helped them get a better grasp of their emotions. It showed them if they were judging others without being in their shoes first.
More self-awareness helped them grow empathy and emotional intelligence, and correct themselves.
Remember, developing self-awareness is a lifelong process.
5. Stop Judging Events And Other People.
All his life, Epictetus, a Stoic master, kept stressing the necessity to distinguish between one’s own judgment and the objective reality of a situation.
His suggestion that our distress is not caused by the event itself, but by our judgment of it, formed the foundation of the modern Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT).
This perspective encourages us to detach from the pursuit of personal gain at the expense of others and to recognize the equal importance of all individuals.
Stoicism emphasizes virtues like wisdom, courage, justice, and self-discipline. By aligning our actions with these virtues, we can develop a coherent sense of self that is less affected by external misunderstandings.
The concept of the “moral self” involves integrating our beliefs with our identity, leading to a continuous feedback loop that reinforces our character.
Psychological Perspective of Being Misunderstood
- Universal Experience of Misunderstanding. Feeling misunderstood is a universal human experience. Many people encounter situations where they feel their thoughts and emotions are not accurately grasped by others. This can lead to feelings of isolation and loneliness.
- The Loneliness Within. Life’s journey often takes unexpected turns, and for some, the path is paved with isolation. This internal loneliness can be exacerbated by the feeling of being misunderstood, leading to a deeper sense of disconnection from others.
- Defensiveness as a Response. Defensiveness is a psychological defense mechanism often used in response to criticism, judgment, and being shamed. It can stop productive problem-solving and create barriers to intimacy and empathy in relationships. Recognizing and addressing defensiveness is crucial for improving communication and understanding.
- Social Alienation and Isolation Schema. The social alienation and isolation schema is a deep-seated pattern of feeling disconnected from others, profoundly affecting one’s emotional well-being and ability to form and maintain relationships. This schema can be traced back to family dynamics, adolescence, and cultural factors.
- Seeking Professional Support. For those grappling with the profound impacts of being misunderstood, seeking professional help can be a transformative step. Therapy provides a safe space to explore and address these challenges, offering valuable insights and coping strategies.
Stoic Perspective of Being Misunderstood
- Embracing Vulnerability. In a world that often values strength over vulnerability, the journey of being misunderstood demands resilience. Stoicism teaches that vulnerability is not a weakness, but a strength that allows for authentic connections and a deeper understanding of oneself and others.
- Overcoming Stereotypes. Misunderstandings often arise from preconceived notions and stereotypes. Stoicism encourages challenging these stereotypes through education, open dialogue, and leading by example. This approach helps in seeing beyond labels and embracing the richness of individual experiences.
- Building Bridges Through Communication. Effective communication is key to dismantling the barriers of misunderstanding. Stoicism emphasizes the importance of clear expression of emotions, active listening, and a willingness to understand others. These practices can significantly improve communication and foster understanding.
- Nurturing Self-Understanding. Understanding oneself is a crucial aspect of mitigating the impact of external misunderstandings. Stoicism advocates for self-awareness and self-reflection as means to achieve inner peace and resilience against external judgments.
- Coping with Loneliness. Coping with the loneliness of being misunderstood begins with self-awareness. Embrace your emotions, seek supportive communities, and consider professional guidance if needed. Remember, you’re not alone in this struggle.
Final Words
You can handle the feeling of being misunderstood with both psychological and philosophical perspectives.
Psychologically, it involves understanding emotional responses, coping mechanisms, and the impact of emotional deprivation and stigma.
Through Stoicism, it involves focusing on what is within our control, developing self-awareness, and aligning our actions with virtues.
√ Also Read: Why Some People Can’t Stand Being Rejected: Rejection Sensitivity Disorder (RSD)
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