📅 11 Apr 2025 • 📖 7 min read
Could someone who seems deeply insecure also be a narcissist?At first glance, it sounds illogical. When we think of narcissism, we usually picture someone who brags, dominates conversations, is loud and attention-seeking, and acts as if they’re better than everyone else.
So, how can a narcissist be insecure?
Psychology reveals a hidden type of narcissism, a lesser-known form called vulnerable narcissism or covert narcissism.
These people live off insecurity. Their vulnerability, inhibition, and quiet neediness make it hard to see them as narcissists.
They can be your friends, family, colleagues, or even yourself. Read on to know how to get around these tricky relationships.
The Fragile Narcissist’s Paradox
Narcissists are known to be loud, arrogant, and full of themselves, right? Those are the grandiose narcissists.
Vulnerable narcissists operate differently. They don’t show off their merits to others because they are unsure of their own superiority. Instead, they’re plagued by self-doubt and rejection-sensitivity.
And there lies the paradox: They fully expect to be attended to and treated exclusively by others, just like other narcissists.
This sense of entitlement, that they deserve special treatment and recognition, doesn’t come from believing themselves to be excellent, but from a different reason (we discuss later).
So, how can someone be so unsure of themselves and still be a narcissist? The answer often traces back to their childhood.
Tragic Childhood of A Vulnerable Narcissist
Many vulnerable narcissists have a history of early childhood trauma.
They grew up in places where their emotional needs were ignored or criticized, or they were abused. Just imagine a child who is constantly told they’re “too sensitive” or never quite good enough.
Over time, this child develops a shaky sense of self-worth.
The early pain hardens them in unkind ways.
As a coping mechanism, they build an emotional shield to block out the emotional pain. And develop a strong self-focus, telling themselves, “If I matter more (to myself), I won’t get hurt again.”
Sadly, that isn’t true self-love; it’s a defense mechanism to protect oneself from further hurt.
Inner World of A Vulnerable Narcissist
What does this look like in the daily life of a fragile narcissist?
- Sense of Entitlement: Grown-up vulnerable narcissists may worry they’re inferior, while still feeling entitled to being treated as special people. Strangely, they feel entitled because they have suffered. They believe that their past sufferings justify their need to be given priority, cared for exclusively, and considered special. They feel it’s your responsibility as their friend, family, or partner to cater to their emotional needs.
- Criticism Sensitivity: They are highly sensitive to rejection and criticism, taking these as personal attacks. A simple comment like “Maybe you could try a different approach” can feel like a brutal rejection of their capability and self-worth.
- Secret Resentment: They can be defensive and even hostile towards those they see as successful or happy. They envy others’ success, while believing that they deserved those successes more. Their belief that others have what they lack further fuels their feelings of inadequacy.
- Rapid Splitting: Narcissists often experience “splitting,” seeing the world in absolute extremes, as either black or white. There’s no gray area, no room for nuance. Vulnerable narcissists intensify this pattern. You’re a hero one day and a villain the next, all over a single disagreement. A colleague shifts from loyal friend to sworn enemy just for offering constructive criticism. This rapid black-and-white switching creates chaos for everyone involved. It makes their relationships unstable and personal growth difficult. Why do they do it? Because if everyone keeps “failing” them, they never have to face their own flaws.
- Victim Mentality: They walk around as perpetual victims of other people and circumstances. They go into new relationships expecting others to empathize with their victimhood. They grow old feeling resentful that people backstabbed them, and the world did not give them what was their due.
Find out What Happens To A Narcissist In The End: Better or Worse?
Is It Narcissism or Borderline Personality Disorder?
Vulnerable narcissism can look similar to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), since both involve:
- Fear of abandonment
- Sensitivity to rejection
- Difficult relationships
- Emotional outbursts
- Unstable self-image
But key differences exist:
- BPD stems from a fear of rejection and a desperate need for connection.
- Vulnerable Narcissism centers on self-protection and entitlement.
Not all vulnerable narcissists have BPD, but the overlap can make diagnosis tricky.
Why Vulnerable Narcissists Fly Under The Radar
Vulnerable narcissism can be especially tricky to recognize because it often masquerades as insecurity or fragility. Unlike their grandiose counterparts, vulnerable narcissists do not seem to be full of themselves.
Instead, they might appear:
- Constantly troubled by their struggles
- Shy, withdrawn, or self-deprecating
- Seeking reassurance and validation
But if you scratch the surface, you’ll find their conversations circle back to themselves: it’s always about their needs, their pain, their issues with others, and their unhappy experiences.
In fact, their vulnerability becomes a way to control how others see and treat them.
Why Relationships With Vulnerable Narcissists Feel Exhausting
Of course, most narcissists are draining, and there are many reasons why. But why is it so exhausting to be close to a vulnerable narcissist?
Because, most of the time, interacting with them feels like walking on a tightrope. You’re always stressed that something you say would make them hurt and tearful.
- One wrong word triggers defensiveness.
- Their mood swings keep others on edge.
- They demand support but rarely return it.
- They care about you for what you can do for them.
They emotionally drain you so much that you feel too exhausted to feel any emotions after meeting them.
Over time, you learn that it’s pointless to expect this person to respect your needs or feelings. Gradually, you stop spending time with them, keeping your relationship purely transactional.
How To Protect Yourself From The Vulnerable Narcissist
When you notice any signs, like interacting with this person leaves you emotionally drained or even cranky, do these:
- Set Boundaries. However hard it may seem, tell them ‘No’ more often, don’t be accessible to them at all hours, and stop trying to solve their every problem. Feel okay to say, “I care about you, but I can’t fix this for you.”
- Don’t Feed Their Victim Mindset. Your constant empathy will only reinforce their unhealthy patterns. They will keep piling their troubles on you, making you feel guilty for not doing something for their victim status. Stop your empathy for them; preserve it for others who actually need it.
- Prioritize Your Well-Being – You’re not responsible for someone else’s emotional struggles. They are grown-ups, and must be able to and learn to handle their issues. Stop being their free-of-cost agony aunts; the cost is your peace of mind.
Can Vulnerable Narcissists Change?
Yes, they can change. But it’s not your job.
Don’t try to fix them. They make it a point to make you try to fix their pains and troubles, without ever needing to change their nature or behavior.
Let a therapist help them:
- Unpack childhood wounds
- Understand their behavior patterns
- Learn empathy and emotional regulation
- Develop a sense of self-worth (not just ego protection)
Final Words
Vulnerable narcissists are not “less bad” narcissists. They may not be outright obnoxious, but they will suck you dry of your empathy, feelings, and kindness.
Can you think of anyone who might fit this description? How might understanding vulnerable narcissism help us in our relationships?
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√ Also Read: Is narcissism a defense mechanism? Are parents responsible?
√ Please share it with someone if you found this helpful.