Today's Friday • 5 mins read
You’ve worked through your anger toward someone who hurt you, but you have no intention to rekindle the relationship. Have you really forgiven them?
Or maybe you’re being nice to keep the peace, even though you’re still seething inside. Is that forgiveness?
Those scenarios represent two incomplete forms of forgiveness. So, is it that you either forgive someone or you don’t?
Research reveals a more nuanced reality. It tells us that forgiveness can be of four types based on a combination of its separate dimensions.
It’s fascinating; read on.
The Two Dimensions of Forgiveness
First, we must know the two dimensions of forgiveness:
- Letting go of inner anger and resentment (intrapsychic dimension). This is the most crucial part of forgiveness. It means what your mind does when you forgive. It involves releasing anger, giving up thoughts of revenge, and cultivating calmer or even compassionate feelings toward the one who has wronged you.
- Telling the offending person “I forgive you” (interpersonal dimension). This is the secondary part of forgiveness. It means how you behave when you forgive. Once you declare your forgiveness, you may choose to interact kindly with them or end the relationship.
These two dimensions can combine to create four possible types of forgiveness.
The Four Types of Forgiveness
1. No Forgiveness
Neither inner change nor outward action.
You remain angry and act in ways that show your anger.
This state can feel justified immediately after someone hurts you. But staying unforgiving for too long can take a psychological toll on you.
2. Hollow Forgiveness
Outward action but no inner change.
You act forgiving while still harboring negative feelings inside.
You might say “I forgive you” or behave cordially, but your anger and resentment persist.
This happens in social situations where forgiveness is expected or when you need to keep relationships functioning on the surface.
However, the gap between what you feel and how you act makes this type of forgiveness unstable or peace-giving.
3. Silent Forgiveness
Inner change but no outward action.
You genuinely release your anger and find emotional peace. However, you decide not to get back together, reconcile, or interact with them in any way.
This decision may be because contacting them could be unwise or unsafe. You have the intuition that the relationship can’t be safely restored, even if they apologize.
Even if it’s safe going forward, you may choose not to reconnect. Make that choice with full freedom and responsibility.
Many people find this forgiveness liberating, as it gives relief and psychological safety without the need for vulnerability.
4. Total Forgiveness
Both inner change and outward action.
You’ve worked through your negative emotions and have decided to move past the offensive act. Your actions toward them will not be motivated by anger, hurt, or revenge.
This forgiveness requires both personal readiness and situational safety. It doesn’t come unless you feel ready and safe, both.
You may decide to talk again and rebuild the relationship. Or you may not. Even if you do not resume the relationship, you resolve to no longer speak ill of the person.
Total forgiveness, however, does not mean you have condoned their behavior or will forgive them for a similar offense in the future.
This equals the complete forgiveness experience that many religious and therapeutic traditions promote.
Hollow Forgiveness vs. Silent Forgiveness
These two types confuse us the most because each involves doing only “half” the forgiveness work, but in opposite ways.
Hollow forgiveness puts behavior over feelings. You act nice while still feeling angry inside.
This might happen when:
- Social pressure demands you “get over it.”
- You need to maintain a working relationship.
- Family dynamics may require a surface-level peace.
- You’re trying to be the “bigger person” before you’re emotionally ready.
Silent forgiveness puts feelings over behavior. You genuinely let go of anger and other negative feelings from your mind, but you choose not to declare it or to get back in touch.
This might happen when:
- Trust cannot be rebuilt because the betrayal was too big.
- Boundaries are more important than reconciliation.
- You’ve moved on and don’t want to re-engage.
- The other person is unsafe or toxic.
The key difference?
- Hollow forgiveness is emotionally draining because your inner and outer worlds don’t match. It might keep you stressed as you try to maintain the relationship or work through your feelings privately.
- Silent forgiveness is emotionally freeing because you’ve done the hardest work, changing how you feel, without forcing yourself into situations that don’t serve you. It can keep you safe and protect your well-being when reconnection isn’t wise or wanted.
Both are valid steps in the forgiveness process.
Final Words
The key insight? Forgiveness doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing.
Sit down with yourself or a guide and choose a dimension combination.
Forgiveness is for yourself more than it is for the other person. It removes the toxic load on your mind and lets you be fully happy.
Silent forgiveness is a good starting point. It’s like you don’t let them stay rent-free in your mind.
You do not even need to tell them, or anyone else, that you have forgiven them.
• • •
√ Also Read: How To Forgive Someone Who Broke Your Trust, And Move On
√ Please share this if you found it helpful.
