• Feb 28, 2025 • Read in ~7 mins
— By Dr. Sandip Roy.Narcissists punish their victims with more than smear campaigns and revenge postings on social media.
In fact, they lay the groundwork years before it’s time to deliver their punishments:
- They gaslight you into an alternate reality — to be exploited later.
- They keep you stressed out trying to keep them pleased.
- Do not allow you even the bare minimum self-care.
Victims of narcissistic abuse often describe their experience as being walking on eggshells. They are never sure which of their words or acts might trigger the narcissist into a rage.
The narcissist gradually strips away their victim’s willpower, agency, and autonomy. So, after years with the narcissist, the victim is already helpless, powerless, and trauma-bonded.
It is easier for a devious narcissist to crush such a person.
Why Narcissists Punish Their Victims?
In a relationship, narcissists punish to control, intimidate, or subjugate their victims. Their goal is to get their victim’s undivided attention, and make them do what the narcissist wants.
To prevent their victims from leaving the relationship, they may use mild physical punishment, with threats of severe follow-up punishment, .
When the relationship is over, narcissists use mental harassment to keep the victim under constant fear, take revenge, or make them get back with the narcissist.
11 Devious Ways Narcissists Punish Their Victims
Narcissists work from a list of punishment tactics, like silent treatment, passive-aggression, verbal assaults, and emotional abuse. The severe ones may resort to physical beatings and public humiliation.
1. Silent Treatment
In silent treatment, narcissists communicate using very few or no words. It makes the victim wonder what they did wrong and why they’re not even talked to properly.
It’s a form of emotional abuse to make the victim feel isolated and confused, and then give in to the narcissist.
2. Passive-Aggression
Narcissists may passive-aggress by giving backhanded compliments, sarcasm, sulks and sighs, or evading responsibilities.
It often stems from deep-seated anger or insult. This behavior is their way to frustrate their victim and regain a sense of superiority, without appearing overtly aggressive.
3. Emotional Manipulation
Narcissists play emotional games with their victims to trap them into a cycle of self-loathing and dependency on the abuser for validation.
Some of their tactics:
- Guilt-tripping, victim-blaming, victim-shaming, withholding love, minimizing/trivializing, double binds (no-win situations), and emotional blackmail.
- They may weaponize the victim’s vulnerabilities, meaning using their weak points against them, to keep them emotionally off-balance.
- They may repeatedly gaslight — distort facts, erase set beliefs, or invent alternate realities — to force victims into perpetual self-doubt and anxiety.
4. Obvious Gaslighting
Typical gaslighting is a subtle manipulation. Obvious gaslighting is when the gaslighter gets blunt — they openly lie and alter facts, even when the victim can see through the deception.
The idea is to force dominance over the victim, to make them accept the false reality.
5. Financial Control
Narcissists may question every expense, restrict access to money, or dictate all financial decisions — to make their victims dependent and unable to leave the relationship.
Some particularly cruel narcissists may even lock the money and food out of the victim’s reach when leaving the house.
6. Verbal Abuse
Research shows narcissists more likely to use offensive language, as they find it more attention-grabbing and less offensive than non-narcissists (Adam & Florell, 2014).
Many narcissists use expletives and verbal abuse in their language. They throw insults, call people names, and use mean language that makes their victims feel worthless.
This isn’t random; it’s a strategy to make the victim lose their courage, confidence, and voice. It’s a systematic tearing down of the victim’s self-esteem and self-worth.
After years of verbal abuse, the victim might start believing they deserve it, and are actually the labels the narcissist gives them.
7. Forced Isolation
Narcissists often cut off their victims from friends and family to keep control.
It’s a control tactic. They just want the victim alone, with only the narcissist to support them and go to in time of need.
Initially, they may try to alienate the victim from ther social circle by making demands on her time, showering her with attention and gifts.
Later, they may openly discourage her other relationships, subtly damage them, or create malefic stories about her family and freinds. They may even convince the victim that the outside world is against them, making them cling to the narcissist-abuser for affection.
Isolation makes the victim more emotionally dependent on the abuser, making it hard to escape. This way, the abuser silences any opposing views, making the victim rely entirely on them.
8. Intimidation
They may use intimidation in subtle or obvious ways to stay in control and silence any disagreements.
They might threaten dire consequences, use frightening gestures, or talk about horrible outcomes to keep the victim in line. This, they know, keeps the victim feeling unsafe and on edge, making them more malleable to the narcissist’s demands.
Narcissists create a climate of fear and unpredictability to limit the victim’s freedom and push them into a placee where they’re afraid to express themselves.
9. Smear Campaigns
Narcissists often spread lies or exaggerated stories about their victims to ruin their reputation.
They are well capable of telling mutual friends or colleagues false accounts of events, making the victim seem untrustworthy. This puts the victim on the defensive, often leaving them isolated without support.
Their controlling the narrative isolates the victim further. And positions the narcissist as the only “truth-teller” in the victim’s life, increasing the victim’s dependence on them.
10. Public Humiliation
Narcissists may publicly embarrass their victims to strip away their dignity and assert control.
By shaming their victims in front of others, they reinforce their power and make the victim feel like a failure.
The unpredictability of public humiliation keeps victims anxious and unsure, damaging their self-confidence and strengthening the abuser’s control, even when others are around.
11. Physical Abuse
If other control tactics fail, some narcissists may resort to physical abuse to show dominance. That said, physical violence is the default of some types of narcissists.
Physical violence, whether through direct attacks or intimidating gestures, creates a deep fear in the victim.
- This form of abuse is more than just causing pain; it’s about reminding the victim of the abuser’s power and the consequences of resisting.
- For these abusers, sexual violence is a tool of asserting control and supremacy more than a way to satisfy their lust.
Through physical violence, the narcissist makes sure any defiance is crushed, leaving the victim trapped both emotionally and physically.
“Victims of narcissistic abuse often experience a range of mental and physical health issues as a result of the abuse. It is important for victims to seek help and support to overcome these effects and move forward with their lives.”
— Shahida Arabi, bestselling author of “Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare”
Final Words
Narcissists can use some devious methods to punish their victims.
In my work, I’ve seen one narcissist get their partner addicted to alcohol. The reason, he told the victim, was to keep destroying herself even when she is far away from him.
So, do not ignore or take kindly to a narcissist’s punishments, however mild, since they can inflict lifelong harm on your health and psyche. Give it your all to break free from the cycle of abuse, and begin your healing journey.
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