Today's Saturday • 7 mins read
Narcissists need constant praise. They crave attention. When someone threatens their romantic relationship, they panic.
But how do their reactions to romantic rivals differ from the rest of us?
Romantic rival: A person who attracts your partner’s attention and threatens your relationship. They make you feel like you are competing with them to keep your partner. This rivalry can be real or imaginary.
As a background, most experts agree that narcissists fall into two main groups:
- Grandiose narcissists act superior. They think they’re amazing. They demand admiration.
- Vulnerable narcissists feel insecure inside. They’re sensitive to criticism. They hide their pain behind anger.
Both fear losing their partner. Both use manipulation to keep control. Still, each type reacts differently to romantic rivals.
Why Rivals Trigger Panic In Narcissists
Dr. Ramani Durvasula studies narcissistic behavior. She explains that narcissists see relationships as mirrors of their worth.
A rival threatens this reflection. The narcissist might lose their source of validation.
Dr. Sam Vaknin calls this validation “narcissistic supply.” Without it, narcissists feel empty and worthless.
How Vulnerable Narcissists React To A Romantic Rival
Vulnerable narcissists take rivals personally. They see threats everywhere.
- Spiral into self-doubt. A rival makes them feel “not good enough.” They obsess over their flaws. They compare themselves constantly to the threat.
- Use passive-aggressive tactics. A direct confrontation scares them. Instead, they guilt-trip their partner. They spread rumors about the rival. They give the silent treatment when upset.
- Fish for reassurance. They ask their partner repeatedly, “Do you still love me?” They point out their own flaws, hoping for comfort. This neediness pushes partners away.
- Withdraw and sulk. When their partner talks to the rival, they make it clear that they do not like it. They make sarcastic, under-breath comments. Or act hurt to get attention.
For example, Sarah notices her boyfriend chatting with a coworker. She doesn’t confront him directly. Instead, she sulks all evening.
And she makes comments like, “I guess I’m not interesting enough anymore.” Which is her way of seeking pity instead of trying to solve the problem.
How Grandiose Narcissists React To A Romantic Rival
Grandiose narcissists see rivals as competitors. They must win at all costs.
- Attack directly. They insult the rival publicly. They point out the rival’s flaws to everyone. They try to embarrass the threat into backing down.
- Show off aggressively. They buy expensive gifts for their partner. They post romantic photos on social media. They brag about their achievements loudly.
- Enhance their “mate value.” They dress better. They work out more. They flirt with others to prove their desirability. This isn’t about love; it’s about winning.
- Use triangulation. They pit their partner against the rival. They create drama to stay in control. They enjoy watching others compete for their attention.
For instance, Mike sees his girlfriend talking to an attractive neighbor. He immediately walks over and takes control of the conversation. He brags about his promotion. Slyly, he puts his arm around his girlfriend’s shoulder. And starts making cutting remarks about the neighbor’s appearance.
Threat Level Changes Everything
Research by Hart, Adams, & Tullett (2018) shows threat intensity matters to narcissists. High-threat situations can make both types more aggressive.
When a partner shows real interest in a rival, vulnerable narcissists get desperate.
- They play victim harder.
- They might threaten suicide.
- They demand their partner cut all contact with the threat.
Grandiose narcissists escalate, too.
- They might spread vicious rumors about the rival.
- They could sabotage the rival’s reputation or job.
- They can do anything to eliminate the competition.
Both types may “devalue” their partner during high-threat moments. They criticize their partner to make the rival seem less appealing by association.
The Avoidance Problem
Both narcissist types avoid direct conflict with their partner. This creates toxic dynamics in the relationship.
- Vulnerable narcissists fear rejection. They won’t discuss the rival openly. Instead, they hint, sulk, and manipulate.
- Grandiose narcissists want to appear above such concerns. They won’t admit to feeling threatened. They redirect energy toward destroying the rival instead.
This avoidance prevents healthy communication. Partners feel unheard. The rival becomes an unspoken source of relationship tension.
Different Approaches to Competition
The two types handle competition differently.
- Grandiose narcissists compete openly. They showcase their strengths. They dress flashier. They tell stories about their success. They seek external validation to counter the threat.
- Vulnerable narcissists focus inward. They fixate on their weaknesses. They seek pity instead of admiration. They become emotionally draining rather than attractive.
This difference explains why grandiose narcissists sometimes succeed initially. Their confidence can be appealing.
The clinginess of vulnerable narcissists often backfires right away.
Communication Breakdown
Both types struggle with honest communication about rivals.
- Vulnerable narcissists communicate poorly when threatened. They can withdraw. They give the silent treatment. Or, they can express distress indirectly, leaving partners confused.
- Grandiose narcissists avoid emotional confrontations entirely. They maintain their “superior” image by refusing to discuss feelings. They act like the rival doesn’t matter.
Neither approach solves the underlying problem. Partners feel shut out of important conversations about the relationship.
Long-Term Relationship Damage
These reactions harm relationships permanently.
- Vulnerable narcissists‘ passive-aggression erodes trust. Partners feel manipulated and exhausted. The constant need for reassurance becomes overwhelming.
- Grandiose narcissists‘ aggression may impress initially, but reveals emotional unavailability. Partners realize the narcissist cares more about winning than about them.
Both types’ conflict avoidance prevent resolution. Small issues become relationship-ending problems.
The Cycle Repeats
Narcissists rarely learn from these experiences. They blame their partner or the rival for relationship problems. They never examine their own behavior.
This pattern continues in new relationships. Each potential rival triggers the same extreme reactions. The narcissist’s fragile self-worth can’t handle any competition.
Recognizing the Signs
Healthy people don’t react to casual friendships as existential threats.
But mild narcissistic behavior can spiral into shows of extreme jealousy, signaling signs of more serious issues to come.
The intensity reveals the narcissist’s inner fragility. They overreact because their entire self-worth depends on their partner’s exclusive attention.
Breaking Free
The partners of narcissists need professional support. Dr. Durvasula recommends setting clear boundaries. Recognizing these behaviors as the narcissist’s problem, not personal failures, helps maintain sanity.
Change is rare without significant self-awareness. Most narcissists lack this insight. They defend their reactions as justified responses to “real” threats.
For safety reasons, narcissism and NPD experts frequently caution against trying to fix your narcissist.
References
- Hart, W., Adams, J. M., & Tullett, A. M. (2018). Narcissism and romantic relationships: The role of threat and jealousy. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 114(3), 404–421.
- Durvasula, R. (2020). Don’t You Know Who I Am? How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. Post Hill Press.
- Vaknin, S. (2007). Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited. Narcissus Publications.
Final Words
Narcissists fear losing control. Romantic rivals threaten their fragile egos. Even casual friendships feel threatening. Their insecurity makes them see rivals everywhere.
- Vulnerable narcissists retreat. They manipulate through guilt and self-pity.
- Grandiose narcissists attack. They fight to prove their superiority.
- Both types avoid honest conversations. Neither type handles competition well.
These reactions reveal their true nature, that narcissists care more about winning than loving. They see partners as prizes, not people.
Spot the warning signs early. Break up before getting too involved with them. And set boundaries with them at the earliest.
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√ Also Read: Can Narcissists Love: 10 Brutal Facts On Narcissistic Love
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