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Psychological manipulation is emotional abuse.It is when someone tries to influence your thoughts, feelings, or behaviors for selfish reasons, without you realizing it. It can happen one-on-one or in a group setting.
Most manipulators use Robert Cialdini’s Six Principles of Persuasion, whether they know them or not:
- Reciprocity: When someone helps us, we feel obliged to help them back, benefiting both.
- Scarcity: When something is limited or rare, we want it more, fearing we might miss out.
- Authority: We feel the need to trust and follow experts or figures of authority.
- Commitment and Consistency: Once committed, we work hard to stay consistent with our actions.
- Liking: We are more likely to comply with requests from people we know and like.
- Consensus (or Social proof): We try to do what others have done, especially when we are undecided or unconvinced.
These principles are often so subtle and covert that good and innocent people don’t recognize them.
7 Signs of Psychological Manipulation
Here are the signs that you may be a victim of psychological manipulation:
1. Playing on emotions
Playing on emotions is where the manipulator makes the victim question their own feelings.
Manipulators tell the victim their emotions are inappropriate, overblown, or unjustified. This makes them feel confused or even ashamed of their feelings.
Your manipulative friend could play on your emotions with this:
“You’re really upset about this! You’re just being overly sensitive. No one else would react this way to such a small thing. It’s not a big deal, and you’re blowing it out of proportion.”
This works better when the manipulator is authoritative, since it is based on Cialdini’s principle of Authority.
- We tend to trust and follow experts or authority figures.
- Authority and credibility are two building blocks of trust.
- The more we trust a person, the more we hand them the power to play on our emotions.
Psychological manipulation can also make the victim:
- feel less confident,
- fearful of speaking their opinions,
- anxious to please the manipulator,
- apprehensive about angry reactions, and
- generally indecisive in their lives.
They may keep overthinking what was their mistake. And, even blame themselves for being too naive to understand their mistake.
Manipulators may also use emotional appeal (a persuasion technique using descriptive language and vivid imagery) to sway their victims. For example, a manipulative husband might say:
“Think how lonely our children would feel if you leave. They need their mother at home, and the house would feel so empty and cold without you. See their sad faces, wondering why their mom isn’t there to tuck them in at night.”
This emotional appeal can make the wife feel guilty and sway her decision to leave the abusive husband.
2. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is perhaps the most favorite tactic used in psychological manipulation. It exploits Cialdini’s principles of Authority and Consensus.
Gaslighting twists a victim’s perception of reality or memory, making them doubt themselves.
The manipulator may:
- Declare what the victim describes never happened
- Say what the victim knows is misinformation
- Allege that the victim is imagining things
- Discreetly modify the victim’s environment, such as moving objects or changing details, to further disorient the victim.
Gaslighting works on a background of victim-abuser power imbalance. The manipulator’s greater power and higher perceived credibility make the victim more likely to believe the gaslighter’s version.
Gaslighting victims must keep records of events and experiences to cross-check and refute the gaslighter’s fake versions.
“One of the first steps in freeing yourself from a gaslighting relationship, then, is to acknowledge how unpleasant and hurtful you find this emotional apocalypse.”
― Robin Stern
3. Guilt-tripping
Guilt-tripping is when a person tries to manipulate a victim by inducing feelings of guilt.
It is based on Cialdini’s principle of Reciprocity (“I scratched your back, now you must scratch mine.”) It cleverly uses guilt to convince a victim to do something they may not want to do.
A boyfriend trying to guilt-trip his girlfriend may say:
“You know, it’s just frustrating because I’ve always been there for you, no matter what. And now, when I need it the most, you can’t loan me of $1000. It’s like you don’t care about our relationship at all. I guess I was wrong to think you actually loved me.”
And if the victim doesn’t do what the manipulator wants, they can break off the relationship, making the victim take the blame for it.
Worse, the manipulator may gossip about the victim being a gold-digger and selfish person who takes favors but doesn’t repay.
Some commonly used guilt-tripping strategies include:
- Emotional Blackmail: Threatening to harm oneself or take drastic actions if the other person doesn’t comply with their wishes.
- Playing Victim: Showing themselves as the innocent and wronged party, making the victim feel responsible for their unhappiness.
- Selective Memory: Ignoring past instances of support or kindness and focusing only on moments when the other person allegedly let them down.
- Unfair Comparison: Comparing the victim’s actions or behavior unfavorably to someone known for being more caring or considerate.
- Exaggeration: Amplifying the negative consequences of the victim’s actions to make them feel more guilty.
- Silent Treatment: Refusing to communicate or acknowledge the victim to make them feel guilty of what they did or did not do.
- Withholding Affection or Approval: Punishing by withdrawing love, affection, or approval until they comply with the guilt-tripper’s demands.
Narcissists are experts at orchestrating all types of guilt-tripping.
4. Social Isolation
Social loneliness is a painful experience.
It creates an experience when you have no one to even share a few moments of silence with.
Manipulators may try to isolate their victims from friends, family, and other sources of support to control them more easily.
- They discourage the victim from spending time with their known people, or try to turn the victim against their loved ones.
- The manipulators discredit and malign their victim’s social connections. The manipulator may ask the victim to decide whether they want to stay with them or with their family and friends.
Over time, the victim may find it hard to socialize with her family or friends without annoying the manipulator.
- Moreover, they may try to isolate the victim from their favorite group activities, like going to the gym or mindfulness classes, or weekend art therapy groups.
- They may even gossip about you to get you socially ostracized.
Social isolation is based on creating a false consensus that the victim’s loved and trusted ones are actually harmful or untrustworthy.
5. Controlling behavior
Manipulators may try to control the victim’s actions and decisions by imposing their own will and preferences on them.
They may try to dictate what the victim wears, thinks, or does, and may become angry or upset if the victim does not comply.
One of the subtle behavior-control tactics is to call out the victim’s change in behavior that is unfavorable to the manipulator, “You never used to do this before,” or “You always said you won’t do this.”
This unconsciously forces the victim to revert to their earlier behavior to show conformity to their previous commitment or behavior.
This again is based on Cialdini’s principle of Consistency.
6. Manipulative language
Manipulators may use language and communication tactics to influence and control the victim.
We are more likely to let ourselves be influenced by those we like and love, based on Cialdini’s principle of Liking.
We tend to like those who give us compliments and gifts, do things for us, and (most importantly) listen to us without interrupting.
Manipulators know this too well. So, they use flattery, patient listening skills, and give charming gifts to gain the victim’s trust.
They may also use “love bombing,” or excessively expressing love and affection, to win the victim’s affection and loyalty.
7. Pressure To Conform Socially
Cialdini’s principle of Social Proof, or Social Consensus, says that people are more likely to conform to the actions of those around them. Especially when uncertainty clouds their judgment, or when they’re part of a group.
Manipulators may use this principle to create the illusion that their actions and beliefs are not just theirs alone, but endorsed by the masses, or even better, by esteemed authorities.
- They may say, “Everyone is doing it,”, or name-drop a few influential figures, to convince people to buy what they are selling — a stuff or an idea.
- They can claim to be credible experts in a field that helps further their self-interest. The weight of their social proof makes them appear as “the one who can do no wrong.”.
Narcissists often use this technique to polish their image and reputation.
They can self-declare endorsements from influential figures or affiliations with prestigious bodies, to seek validation in a group. This establishes their superiority and authority, enabling them to exploit the group’s weak spots for personal gain.
Stay aware. Critically evaluate the evidence before conforming because of drummed-up social proof.
Manipulators may use this in reverse too, such as, “You don’t realize that all your colleagues who saw you dancing were laughing at you when you went out,” or “Your entire family sees you as a drama queen.”
The first statement may nudge you to stop dancing on social occasions. The second may make you bottle up your emotions.
Final Words
Never lose sight of the fact that a manipulator, often a cruel narcissist, may hurt you badly if you don’t abide by their wishes and demands.
They may use clear or veiled threats to terrorize you and manipulate your decisions and behaviors.
Some narcissistic manipulators are extremely cruel. If you threaten them back, they may attack you physically.
If you suspect you are being manipulated, step away to a safe distance and be with people who support you before calling them out or breaking up with them.
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