Today's Wednesday • 14 mins read
Some narcissists can hide traits such as pretension, entitlement, and insensitivity. Unmask these, and you’ll spot the covert narcissist.
Covert narcissists are covert or hidden in the sense that their core traits are dialed down, and they don’t always read as narcissistic.
They may be talented and can hold high-status roles. Unlike grandiose narcissists, covert narcissists often present as more sensitive or vulnerable, which can mask their self-centered motives.
A covert narcissist is often like a backroom player who keeps a small, closed circle of confidants; a grandiose narcissist is like an attention-hungry top-dog leading a pack of admirers.
They may not charm overtly, but can manipulate subtly through warmth and attentiveness. If you were to go on a date with them, they can be attentive to your smallest needs.
Psychologists call covert narcissism vulnerable narcissism.
10 Covert Narcissist Signs You May Not Be Aware Of
Covert narcissists also go by other names, like closet narcissists or hidden narcissists. They can be socially anxious, withdrawn, or introverted on the outside. But inside, they crave attention and praise.
Here are ten (often missed) signs of covert narcissism:
1. Low self-esteem
Self-esteem is the overall evaluation of one’s worth. Covert narcissists typically have low self-esteem, whereas grandiose narcissists tend to display high self-esteem.
Still, covert narcissists seek attention and praise to boost their self-esteem, even though their low self-esteem and sensitivity can make them seem shy or distant in social settings.
So their ways are often indirect: they may appear over-modest and over-nice when seeking validation or recognition.
Covert narcissists are often highly successful yet have poor self-esteem. They feel entitled and crave admiration, but struggle to feel others’ emotions. Their entitlement and envy usually show indirectly rather than through overt dominance or bragging.
They tend to avoid the public spotlight and deflect personal questions. Unlike grandiose narcissists, who thrive in the spotlight, covert narcissists cringe at the thought of being surrounded by a swarm of curious people.
They are sensitive to criticism and tend to take negative feedback as an insult or affront. Many of them are intensely self-critical and hide a sense of shame, believing themselves unworthy of appreciation or love.
This can fuel malicious envy toward more successful or talented people.
Some experts view covert narcissism as a defensive strategy, a way to protect the self from feelings of inadequacy. This defensive account has roots in early psychoanalytic ideas by Sigmund Freud.
Covert narcissism helps a person handle their feelings of shame and unworthiness that originate from a deep-seated inferiority complex: persistent feelings of being less than others, first described by Alfred Adler.
2. Lack of confidence
Covert narcissists typically have low confidence, whereas grandiose narcissists tend to display overt confidence.
Narcissistic grandiosity is a trait marked by an inflated sense of self-importance. Rosenthal & Hooley (2019) developed the Narcissistic Grandiosity Scale (NGS) to measure it, using items such as “I deserve to be treated better than most people.”
Covert narcissists generally do not display overt narcissistic grandiosity. But secretly, they believe they are superior to others, and may harbor hidden grandiose fantasies or entitlement.
This can make them question executive decisions made by others. But they often lack the confidence to push back against any challenge to their authority.
They often begin their careers as leaders or entertainers before rising to positions of power. It is then that others begin to notice their narcissistic traits loike entitlement, superiority, and exploitation.
Covert narcissists, despite often being quite intelligent, have a hard time accepting when other people disagree with their ideas or decisions.
- As leaders, their success in life often gets marred by their fragile egos and antagonistic reactions to feedback and criticism.
- As subordinates, they cannot handle a confrontation well, often sulking away or diverting the focus when there is any dispute or challenge.
Brené Brown feels narcissists suffer from the shame of ordinariness. To shield their insecurity, they react with apathy and disdain for others.
When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.”
— Brené Brown
3. Creating dependency
These people try to make their loved ones solely depend on them.
This may have a secret fear that everything and everyone they have in life will vanish once their “covert” personality gets exposed. They also harbor feelings of insecurity and jealousy.
So, they try to mold the other person, praising and caring for them to become dependent on them.
- They can “poison your ears” to separate you from your friends and family.
- Then, once you’re isolated from your support system, they will repeatedly abuse you.
- And then drill it into your mind that only they can help you get out of the distress you’re in.
It’s like conditioning people close to them to become overly dependent on them to the point of being learned helplessness.
As a result, you lose faith in yourself to try to accomplish things on your own, always wary if your narcissist will criticize or punish you for failing.
4. Need for control
Even though they appear shy and unassuming, covert narcissists exude an aura of power and superiority. You may be friends or partners, but you cannot ignore their sense of authority.
In close relationships, they often take time to establish themselves as the smarter ones, and then use this to control the other person.
Since they don’t like being in the spotlight, they try to control and manipulate others in subtle ways. For example, they will use “facts” and “quotes” to sway people’s opinions. Often, these quotes and facts come from questionable sources.
They can become addicted to a source of validation. To satisfy this addiction, they may try to control the person into praising and validating them.
As they grow older, their need for control tends to go unfulfilled, as most people leave them because of their poor behavior.
5. Lack of compassion
A part of their narcissistic nature is their lack of compassion. They can look down on other people’s pain and even blame them for their sufferings.
These “hidden” narcissists may seem highly generous and altruistic, but most of their kindness is a performance.
- They hide their scorn for others’ pain well, since they know society does not take such behaviors positively.
- They may understand the other person’s thoughts and feelings, but have no true intention or motivation to help them out.
So, they will throw in fake “Oohs!” and “Aahs!” at your stories, but woudn’t do much to ease your pain.
They can understand your pain, often better than others in your circle, but they can easily look past your misery and invent excuses for not helping you.
Despite having learned how to behave well with others and be friendly, their performative masks may slip at times, revealing their resentful nature and bloated sense of superiority.
6. Fear of abandonment
The fear of being abandoned is often associated with covert narcissism.
They have a deeply entrenched insecurity of being left with no one to praise them or listen to their stories of how important they are.
This is the fear of losing their narcissistic supply, the steady stream of validation, compliance, and admiration to feel better about themselves.
So, when someone close to them gets better than the narcissist or becomes less dependable for validation supply, it can trigger their abandonment anxiety.
Abandonment anxiety also happens in clingy personalities. Clingy people seek closeness and reassurance to feel emotionally safe, as their fear of abandonment is rooted in insecure attachment.
In contrast, a covert narcissist’s abandonment anxiety is primarily rooted in fear of losing their access to validation and narcissistic supply, which they need to stabilize their fragile self-worth.
7. Lack of boundaries and selfishness
Covert narcissists may be shy or modest, but they have a poor sense of relationship boundaries.
The rank disrespect of other people’s psychological boundaries is one of their key traits. They can intrude into your personal space and personal time without feeling wrong.
They are also extremely selfish. They regularly use their charms to get others to give them what they want. But if you ask them for something, they won’t give it or do it pro bono.
As Sam Vaknin says, “Narcissists are not capable of love. They are only capable of using people.”
They can call you at 3 AM to ask for a favor. And then refuse to do something similar for you when you really need their help sometime later.
8. Being a pathological liar
They are often intelligent, charming, popular, and frequently successful in their careers. They usually have good relationships with friends, and it is rare to find them the subject of gossip or criticism.
But they are mostly pathological liars who lie to everyone about something.
That good-person veneer lets them get away with their lies and fake stories. Most of those make them masters of deception.
So much so that when you tell others about a covert narcissist lying, they find it unbelievable.
People who know these narcissists typically hold them in such high regard that they find it nearly impossible to believe they can lie.
Surprisingly, they’re really good at remembering which lie they told which person.
9. Tendency To Gaslighting
They are often experts at gaslighting, a manipulative tactic that erodes a person’s perception of reality, causing them to doubt their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
A gaslighter will often twist and deny your statements, thoughts, or memories to make you believe their version more than your own.
Some typical gaslighting statements are:
- “You didn’t say that at all.”
- “You are imagining the whole thing.”
- “You always make things up in your head.”
- “You’re being too sensitive; it was just a joke.”
- “You’re overreacting; it wasn’t that big of a deal.”
- “I never said that; you’re just trying to twist my words.”
- “I can’t believe you would think that; you’re being irrational.”
Long-term gaslighting can make the victim start to doubt their sense of reality and mental sanity.
Meanwhile, the covert narcissist gaslighter attains more control over their victims’ thoughts, opinions, and actions.
10. Intolerance of criticism
Narcissists are allergic to criticism and feedback, whether positive or negative. This is true for both the covert and the overt types.
It may be because they haven’t learned to express their weaknesses or needs. So, they often react to suggestions, ideas, and opinions that scrutinize their judgments.
Their constant need for approval often leads them to lash out at those who try to challenge or criticize them. Even when feedback is constructive, they can still perceive it as an insult or criticism.
They are also known for being abusive to all, especially to their close ones. If they insult a close friend, they can get so disproportionately hostile that the relationship ends.
The covert narcissist is often frighteningly contemptuous of other achievers.
How To Deal With A Covert Narcissist
- Set Healthy Boundaries: Every relationship must have boundaries, more so with narcissistic people. So, tell them clearly what behaviors are acceptable and what are not. Be firm in enforcing these boundaries to protect your emotional well-being.
- Limit Personal Sharing: Don’t share too much personal information too early. They may later use your vulnerabilities against you, especially if you break up with them.
- Practice Assertiveness: Communicate your needs and feelings assertively. Use “I” statements to tell them how their behavior affects you, how you would like them to behave in the future. Don’t be accusatory.
- Stay Vigilant: Learn to recognize what they actually are beneath what they present themselves as. Be aware of their manipulative tactics and social influence (of being as sensitive and kind-hearted) to build a fake narrative about you.
- Document Interactions: Make it a habit to keep a record of the conversations, interactions, and incidents, with date and time. This helps you maintain evidence about what they said and did, to resist their gaslighting and attempts to distort your reality.
- Stay Calm and Composed: Maintain your emotional control, especially during heated interactions. They thrive on emotional drama, so staying calm can reduce their power over you. Accept their disagreements to prevent escalation and maintain peace.
- Know When to Walk Away: If the relationship becomes too toxic or damaging, be prepared to distance yourself or end the relationship altogether.
- Focus on Self-Care: Prioritize your mental and emotional health through self-care practices, such as mindfulness, exercise, and engaging in activities that bring you joy. Build your self-esteem.
- Educate Yourself: Learn more about narcissism and manipulative people. It can empower you to spot their devious ways and save your mental peace.
- Seek Support: Surround yourself with supportive friends or family who understand and care about you. Having a support system can help you cope with stressful situations. Consider professional help: If the relationship is making your mental health worse, consider seeking therapy or counseling.
“Relationships with narcissists are held in place by hope of a ‘someday better,’ with little evidence to support it will ever arrive.”
— Ramani Durvasula
FAQs
1. Do childhood experiences lead to narcissistic traits?
People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) often develop their traits as a defense mechanism in response to childhood trauma. This trauma (often as parental abuse) may have distorted their self-image to overcome feelings of being weak and inadequate.
As a result, they may have adopted grandiosity and a lack of empathy to numb their emotional pain. Ultimately, their inability to process this trauma led to maladaptive behaviors and dysfunctional relationships.
2. Are covert narcissists happy in relationships?
Covert narcissists may seem to have happy relationships, but this happiness is often superficial and short-lived. They need constant validation, admiration, and control, which can make it difficult for them to form deep and meaningful connections with others.
Their fragile self-esteem and sensitivity to criticism make them vulnerable to negative emotions, which can ultimately make them feel unfulfilled in relationships.
3. What are the signs of non-physical narcissistic abuse?
- Gaslighting: Distorting reality to make you doubt yourself.
- Guilt-tripping: Making you feel responsible for their feelings.
- Victim mentality: Always portraying themselves as the victim.
- Silent treatment: Withholding communication to punish or control.
- Jealousy and envy: Resentful of others’ successes and happiness.
- Sensitive to criticism: Overreacting to any form of feedback.
- Excessive self-doubt: Constantly questioning their self-worth and skills.
- Fear of abandonment: Anxious about being left or rejected.
- Emotional manipulation: Using emotions to control or influence you.
- Passive-aggressive behavior: Indirectly expressing anger or resentment.
4. Is there a highly intelligent covert narcissist?
Yes, highly intelligent covert narcissists exist, though not all covert narcissists are so. Their intelligence can make their manipulative tactics even more subtle and effective. These are skilled at masking their true intentions and adapting to various social situations to draw other people’s empathy.
5. Do covert narcissists have friends?
Covert narcissists can have friends, but the friendships are often shallow and transactional. They will keep the friends around as long as the friends meet their needs for narcissistic supply or other helpful services. They often find it difficult to have long-term, meaningful friendships.
Final Words
Try not sharing a good news with covert narcissists. They can belittle your accomplishments and minimize your joys.
Your covert narcissist friend feels threatened by your wins, thinking you are “rubbing it in” on them that they are mediocre. Their reaction is born of their deep-seated malicious envy of your success.
√ Also Read: 7 Weird Things Covert Narcissists Do (Strange Behaviors!)
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