Today's Thursday • 10 mins read
Shame can break people apart and make them withdraw from society. But toxic shame can keep someone in relationships even when they feel lonely, inadequate, and angry at themselves.
Shame is a learned emotion; babies are not born with it. We learn to feel shame for certain actions. Shame in a healthy amount keeps people from doing bad things, which is good for us and society.
But feeling shame too much or for too long is unhealthy. Called toxic shame, it can lead to a constant belief that one is inherently flawed or unworthy.
- Toxic shame is an intense, chronic feeling of worthlessness and self-loathing that results from shame-based trauma experiences.
Victims of toxic shame can withdraw into themselves, minimize their needs, stop voicing their opinions, and suffer without asking for help.
Toxic shame can have serious negative effects on mental health and relationships. It can cause stress, low self-esteem, self-hatred, self-sabotage, and loneliness within a relationship.
Key Characteristics of Toxic Shame
Over time, shame-based trauma patterns show up as: • Chronic anxiety • Explosive anger • People-pleasing • Depression • Emotional numbness • Fear of intimacy • Self-sabotage.
Toxic shame can have the following effects:
Yes, the characteristics you’ve listed can indeed be unified into a comprehensive list of key characteristics of toxic shame. Here’s a unified list that incorporates both sets of characteristics:
Key Characteristics of Toxic Shame:
- Deep-seated belief in unworthiness: Individuals often believe they are fundamentally flawed or bad, not just that they made a mistake.
- Internalized self-criticism: They internalize critical messages from others, leading to constant negative self-talk and harsh self-judgment.
- Low self-esteem: Feelings of unworthiness, inadequacy, and a lack of self-confidence.
- Perfectionism: They set unreasonably high standards for themselves and feel overwhelmed by guilt when they fall short.
- Self-sabotaging behaviors: Their toxic shame can lead to procrastination, perfectionism, and other behaviors that undermine self-worth and success. They may believe they don’t deserve their achievements, or fear they will eventually be exposed as a fraud.
- Fear of rejection: Harbor a fear of rejection and abandonment, and avoid being vulnerable and emotionally close in relationships.
- Chronic guilt and shame: Nonstop feelings of guilt and shame, even without clear reasons.
- Difficulty accepting compliments: Struggling to accept praise or positive remarks, they often feel undeserving or suspect ulterior motives.
- Difficulty asserting their needs: They struggle to express their needs and set boundaries, leading to unhealthy relationships and patterns of codependency.
- Negative relationship patterns: They may be drawn to relationships that reinforce their feelings of shame or with partners they feel obligated to “save” or “fix.”
- Social withdrawal: Individuals often isolate themselves from others, fearing judgment and ridicule, and neglect their social circles.
- Impact on relationships and mental health: Toxic shame can negatively affect relationships and contribute to anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues.
- Addictive behaviors: Some may turn to substances or illicit behaviors to numb emotional pain or seek temporary relief from feelings of worthlessness.
Shame has strong links to depression, addiction, violence, aggression, bullying, eating disorders, and suicide.
“Shame has led me to alcoholism, depression and a refusal to pursue my goals.”
– SleeperNo1 (made-up name of a real victim of shame)
Overcoming & Healing From Toxic Shame
Healing isn’t about “getting over it.” It’s about creating new safety in your body and nervous system. Real healing feels like: • Saying no without guilt • Feeling emotions without drowning in them • Being present in your body • Resting without shame.
Brené Brown says, “If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgment.” So, shame loses its toxic power once it is acknowledged, discussed, and shared.
1. Recognize The Presence of Toxic Shame
Acknowledge the presence of toxic shame in your life by reflecting on your feelings and thoughts, distinguishing between shame and guilt.
Good advice for most things in life: Do not deny the existence of a past event in your life. Acknowledge its presence, however uncomfortable. Sit down with a notebook and ask yourself:
- Does your shame strongly trespass on your other thoughts?
- Is it too constant to go away when you are enjoying something?
- Do you feel unworthy of your achievements because of that “one shameful act?”
- Do you often mumble loudly to scold yourself when you’re doing something, and then feel bad about it right away?
- Is it shame or guilt that you’re feeling? Shame and guilt are both “self-conscious” emotions, but shame is a focus on self, while guilt is a focus on behavior.
Read books, watch talks and podcasts, and go to workshops to learn more about shame.
2. Set Boundaries & Assert Your Needs
Establish healthy boundaries in relationships and communicate your needs assertively to reclaim self-worth and confidence.
Toxic shame coexists with a lack of self-worth, making it difficult to assert your needs in relationships.
You can solve this by establishing healthy boundaries and learning to communicate your needs to your partner more assertively. It lets you reclaim your independence and self-confidence.
Brené Brown says, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”
3. Foster Secure Attachment
Build trust and emotional availability in relationships to create a secure attachment, which can help mitigate toxic shame.
Research shows people prone to shame tend to have insecure attachment styles (anxious and avoidant) and less satisfaction in their relationships (Johnson and Nguyen, 2015).
Secure attachment can help overcome toxic shame more quickly and with less chance of recurrence. Trust, support, and emotional availability are hallmarks of a secure attachment.
“When we know we can lean in and be responded to, we are stronger, more resilient, and more open to life and love.” — Sue Johnson
4. Share Your Vulnerabilities
Open up about your shame and vulnerabilities with trusted individuals who can provide support and understanding.
Once you have owned your shame and vulnerability, share them with those who care for you.
But before sharing your story, you must ask yourself: “Who has earned the right to hear my story?”
“Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.” — Brené Brown
5. Practice Self-Kindness & Self-Compassion
Treat yourself with kindness and empathy, recognizing that everyone deserves love and understanding, which can counteract shame.
Self-compassion involves recognizing that you, like everyone else, are deserving of love and empathy. And empathy is the antidote to shame.
When you treat yourself with kindness and empathy, you no longer blame yourself and start to outgrow your shame.
“With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.” — Kristin Neff
6. Cultivate A Strong Support System
Surround yourself with empathetic and validating individuals, or seek support groups to foster healing.
A strong support system is crucial for healing from toxic shame. Connect with people who understand you, empathize with you, and validate your emotions. If you don’t have such people in your connections, seek out emotional health support groups.
7. Address Your Unresolved Past Trauma
Work through unresolved trauma with a therapist or support group, understanding that your past does not define your worth.
Toxic shame stems from experiences like trauma or abuse, which you may have never dared to talk about with someone, even yourself.
When your unresolved trauma memories cause you pain, remind yourself that your past does not define your present worth.
Working through your trauma with a therapist or support group can start the process of rethinking your life story and rebuilding its meaning.
8. Give Yourself Positive Affirmations
Rewire negative thought patterns by practicing daily affirmations that focus on your strengths and inherent worth.
Practice daily affirmations that focus on your strengths, accomplishments, and inherent worth.
- “I am deserving of healing and growth. My past does not define my present or future worth.”
- “I am strong and resilient. I can overcome my past and create a meaningful, fulfilling life.”
- “I am not alone in my journey of healing. I can reach out to people who care about me and support my growth and well-being.”
“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” — Lao Tzu
9. Practice Forgiveness
Forgive yourself and others as a way to release toxic shame.
Forgiveness and self-forgiveness are topics close to my heart. I feel many more of us might be able to forgive our offenders if we reframe forgiveness as an act of evicting a hurtful person from our mind space.
Forgiving yourself and others is a powerful way to release toxic shame. Understand that everyone makes mistakes and that forgiveness is an essential part of healing.
“Forgiveness says you are given another chance to make a new beginning.” — Desmond Tutu
10. Seek Professional Help
Working with a trained therapist or counselor can be invaluable in addressing toxic shame. They can help you identify the sources of your shame, as well as provide guidance and support throughout the healing process.
Causes of Toxic Shame
- Childhood trauma: Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse, as well as neglect, can lead to feelings of shame and worthlessness. These traumatic experiences can instill a belief that the victim is inherently flawed or undeserving of love and care.
- Critical messages from caregivers: Parents, caregivers, or teachers repeatedly telling them that they are flawed or bad can lead them to internalize shame. A caregiver’s own unresolved shame can be unintentionally passed on to the child, leading to a cycle of toxic shame within families.
- Dysfunctional family dynamics: Growing up in a family where feelings are not acknowledged or validated, where there is excessive criticism or unrealistic expectations, can foster toxic shame.
- Bullying or peer victimization: Experiencing bullying or social exclusion during childhood or adolescence can lead to internalized feelings of shame, self-blame, and a sense of unworthiness.
- Cultural or societal influences: Societal expectations around gender, race, sexuality, or appearance can lead to feelings of shame for those who do not fit perceived “norms,” with discrimination or marginalization further contributing to internalized shame.
- Relationship trauma: Toxic shame can develop as a result of traumatic experiences in relationships, such as domestic violence or betrayal by a trusted partner or friend.
- Mental health issues: Individuals struggling with mental health disorders, such as depression, anxiety, or eating disorders, may experience toxic shame due to their condition or the stigma surrounding it.
- Insecure attachment: Insecure attachment styles, such as anxious or avoidant attachment, can lead to feelings of worthlessness and fear of rejection or abandonment, influenced by early attachment experiences with caregivers.
Final Words
Narcissists harbor deep shame, if that’s a surprise to you.
Their shame is about having inner fears of being average, being exposed, and being abandoned. This makes them put on a happy mask over their sad faces.
“When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.” ― Brené Brown
√ Also Read: Narcissistic Shame – Why & How Do Narcissists Feel Shame?
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