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Most narcissists have two faces — one good and gentle, and the other bad and cruel.As my mom wisely observes about narcissists:
“They bow to the powerful and scream at the weak.”
This dual-face is a core aspect of their personality disorder. It’s rooted in their deep-seated need for control and validation.
Perhaps, it’s even hard-coded into their brain circuits.
The Two Faces of A Narcissist
Narcissistic people are two-faced by nature. They are capable of both cruelty and kindness, often at the same time, with two different people.
- They are polite, charming, generous, and kind to strangers and distant relationships.
- While revealing their true selves only in comfortable and intimate relationships, becoming mean, raging, controlling, and manipulative.
Many narcissistic in-laws are critical and disrespectful towards the person their daughter or son married. While being nice and respectful towards their friends and colleagues.
Also, they are often prone to extreme emotional shifts, and can swing from rage to charm, or the other way around.
What Purpose Their Two Faces Serve
- The nice face lures strangers into becoming devoted admirers, feeding their sense of superiority.
- The cruel face demands your obedience and forces you to cater to their inflated sense of entitlement.
So, which one is their true face?
The True Face of A Narcissist
Our true selves are what we reveal when we are comfortable and feel a sense of control over the relationship. That holds for narcissists too.
So, the face they show to others is a fake one — since they have their guard up with strangers.
And we, their close and intimate ones, get to see and taste their mean side. Because we have opened our vulnerabilities with them, and now they have the upper hand.
How To Keep Them Showing You The Nice Face
Given their nature, here’s how you can keep them showing you their nicer side:
First, you have to spot the narcissist early on, much before they know your secrets and vulnerabilities.
Second, keep them boundaried within that place when you are still somewhat of a stranger to them.
- Keep them outside your secret inner garden. So they will be uncomfortable around you. They are never sure how you may react to their demeaning tone.
- Keep them at their sweet & fragile, wounded, and lost versions. Let them keep wearing their past trauma.
- Do not give in to their self-enhancing agenda. Keep feeding their ego, but not be your kindest self with them. The moment you open your weak points, they will switch their face.
- Stay unpredictable — it makes them fear you. One way is to gray rock them as often as you can.
Third, cut down your expectations from them to zero. We are only disappointed when our expectations aren’t met.
So when you have zero expectations from your narcissist, you give them no chance to disappoint you.
Final Thoughts
Can narcissists change? Don’t waste years of your life thinking it’s going to get better if you try a little harder. It won’t.
The more you try to please them, the worse behavior they will give you in return.
Stop spending your energy trying to change them; your narcissist will not change, no matter how much you love or care about them.
Instead, focus on preserving your peace by keeping them at a distance.
Stop caring about their needs. Make them a stranger again. Throw them outside your inner garden.
√ Also Read: How To Make A Narcissist Fear You – 35 Ways To Outsmart Them
√ Please spread the word if you found this helpful.
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