Two Faces of Narcissists: Make Them Show You Their Nice One

✅ Today's Sunday • 📖 4 mins read

Most narcissists have two faces. One is good and gentle, and the other is bad and cruel.

As my mom wisely observes about narcissists:

“They bow to the powerful and scream at the weak.”

This dual face is a core aspect of their personality disorder. It’s rooted in their deep-seated need for control and validation.

Perhaps it’s even hard-coded into their brain circuits.

The Two Faces of A Narcissist: Cruel vs. Nice

Narcissistic people are two-faced by nature. They are capable of both cruelty and kindness, often at the same time, with two different people.

• They are polite, charming, generous, and kind to strangers and distant relationships.
• While revealing their true selves only in comfortable and intimate relationships, they become mean, raging, controlling, and manipulative.

Many narcissistic in-laws are hypercritical and disrespectful towards the person their daughter or son married. While being nice and respectful towards their friends and colleagues.

Also, they are often prone to extreme emotional shifts and can swing from rage to charm, or the other way around.

What Purpose Their Two Faces Serve

• The nice face lures strangers into becoming devoted admirers, feeding their sense of superiority.
• The cruel face demands your obedience and forces you to cater to its inflated sense of entitlement.

So, which one is their true face?

The True Face of A Narcissist

The true face of a narcissist is when they have control. And that is often the cruel face.

Most of us present our true selves when we feel safe, comfortable, and unthreatened. The same holds for narcissists.

Narcissists present a gentle, nice, and empathic face to those they have no control over (like a powerful person) or those they wish to impress and exert control over later. This is their fake face.

That fake face is to please the other person. So that they see the narcissist as someone who can do no harm, and they don’t have to guard against them.

Meanwhile, their close and intimate ones get to see and taste their real, mean face.

The narcissist has taken control over them and no longer needs to act nice with them. So they get to the narcissist’s face that’s brewing with anger, bitterness, and contempt.

Looking back, they realize it began when they shared their vulnerabilities with the narcissist.

How To Keep Them Showing You The Nice Face

Given their nature, here’s how you can keep them showing you their nicer side:

First, you have to spot the narcissist early on, much before they know your secrets and vulnerabilities.

Second, keep them boundaried within that place when you are still somewhat of a stranger to them.

• Stay unpredictable; it makes them fear you. One way is to gray rock them as often as you can.
• Keep them at their sweet & fragile, wounded, and lost versions. Let them keep wearing their past trauma.
• Do not give in to their self-enhancing agenda. Keep feeding their ego, but don’t be your kindest self with them. The moment you open your weak points, they will switch their face.
• Keep them outside your secret inner garden. Let them stay unfamiliar with your real self. Don’t share your past mistakes or present vulnerabilities. Maintain non-negotiable boundaries with them. Find out the 7 Boundaries Narcissists Hate (And Why You Need To Keep Them).

Third, cut down your expectations to zero. Don’t expect them to do anything for you that has no transactional value. Don’t ask them for favors or help unless they are your last resort.

No one can disappoint you when you don’t have any expectations from them.

So when you have zero expectations from your narcissist, you give them no chance to disappoint you.

Final Thoughts

Can narcissists change? Don’t waste years of your life thinking it’s going to get better if you try a little harder. It won’t.

The more you try to please them, the worse behavior they will give you in return.

Stop spending your energy trying to change them; your narcissist will not change, no matter how much you love or care about them.

Instead, focus on preserving your peace by keeping them at a distance.

Stop caring about their needs. Make them a stranger again. Throw them outside your inner garden.

√ Also Read: 35 Ways To Make A Narcissist Fear You For Good

√ Please share this with someone.

» You deserve happiness! Choosing therapy could be your best decision.

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