📅 13 May 2025 • 📖 11 min read
— By Dr. Sandip Roy.Narcissists don’t like to admit when they’re wrong and find it hard to say “sorry.” If they do apologize, it’s mostly a fake apology that feels like a favor.
Two reasons why narcissists can’t admit to wrongdoing:
- They truly believe they are always right and that what they did was justified.
- They know that owning up to their mistakes and taking the blame would damage their self-esteem.
Here are ten typical ways narcissists apologize when forced to take the blame:
1. The “Non-Apology” Apology
A narcissist’s “non-apology apology,” also called nonpology or fauxpology, is a hollow apology that does not contain any hint of regret or sorrow for things done or said.
Not only are their apologies insincere, but also perversely direct the blame back at you:
- “I’m sorry you are upset.”
- “I’m sorry that you feel that way.”
- “I’m sorry you didn’t get what you wanted.”
2. The Backhanded Apology
The backhanded apologies come loaded with insults or criticisms.
- “I’m sorry, but you’re too sensitive.”
- “I’m sorry, but you should have known better.”
- “I’m sorry if I offended you. But actually, no one else would have felt offended.”
Backhanded apologies downplay their hand in the wrongdoing. And spin back the responsibility to you for having created the situation. It’s practically as good as victim-shaming.
Those loaded “Sorry’s” can make you afraid to ask them to apologize again. And that’s what they want: to forget about their mistake and not talk about it again.
Know this: Apologies that include qualifiers like if/but often lack authenticity. Reject all apologies that sound like these: “I’m sorry if…” or “I’m sorry but….”
3. The Selfish Apology
The selfish apology is to maintain control over you and the relationship, to escape consequences, or to avoid having to make any real changes to their behavior.
Narcissist: “I’m so sorry for cheating on you, but I was really stressed out at work and I needed an outlet.”
The focus of the selfish apology is the narcissist’s own pain-points and issues, suggesting their behavior was justified.
Its real purpose is to make you forgive them without having to make any real changes to their behavior. They offer this kind of “Sorry” to push the crisis under the carpet.
4. The Convenient Apology
These are when it is convenient for narcissists to apologize:
- When they need something from you. Narcissists are primarily self-serving people. They are good at getting what they want from others by hook or crook. They may apologize for some past mistakes when they need something from you now. For example, if your narcissist wants some money from you, they might apologize for the time they couldn’t keep their promise of taking you to a movie.
- When they are trying to avoid consequences. They usually think they’re better than the rules and don’t like being held to task for what they do. However, if they realize they are about to face some dire consequences, they may profusely apologize to avoid them. For example, if a narcissist is about to be fired, they might apologize for even “non-mistakes” to their boss to keep their job.
- When they are trying to maintain control. Narcissists are said to be control freaks and tend to have the upper hand in their relationships. Whenever they feel like they are losing control, they may apologize to regain their control. For example, if their partner is threatening to leave them, they might apologize to convince them to stay.
- When they are trying to manipulate someone. They are often very manipulative and use people to benefit themselves. They may apologize to manipulate you into doing something for them, or to make you feel guilty. For example, they might apologize while crying to get you to feel bad for not paying enough attention to them.
The apology of convenience helps them avoid being punished physically, mentally, or financially.
5. The Conditional Apology
These arrive as “Sorry, but…” A narcissist’s conditional apology desires you do something for them in return.
Narcissist: “I’m sorry if I hurt you, but will you forgive me if I buy you dinner?”
The ‘sorry’ is only there if the other person forgives them immediately, like putting a gun to the victim’s head while offering an apology.
If the other person does not forgive them right away, they may lash out or become defensive.
6. The Fake-Empathy Apology
Narcissists may use apologies to create the illusion of compassion and empathy.
Narcissist: “I’m so sorry I hurt you. I can’t imagine how much pain I must have caused you. I’m such a terrible person.”
The narcissist is not actually sorry for their actions. They are simply saying what they need to say to create the illusion that they are soft-hearted and sensitive.
They are trying to make themselves look good, to avoid criticism, and to maintain their image as a good and moral person. The idea is to get you to forgive them or overlook their bad behavior.
Even if they don’t truly feel sorry for their actions, they may feel pressured to comply with societal norms of politeness and remorse.
7. The Blame-Shifting Apology
Narcissists can be of six types, and most of them use the blame-shifting apology, where they apologize but then shift the blame onto the other person.
Narcissist: “I’m sorry if that’s what you want, but you’re too sensitive. I was only joking around.”
Narcissist: “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but you made me so angry.”
The narcissist is not actually apologizing. Instead, they’re blaming you:
- For being too sensitive
- For misinterpreting their words
- Make themselves look good by making excuses.
This type of apology does not take responsibility for their actions and places the blame on the other person.
8. The Déjà vu Apology
Déjà vu means the experience of being felt before.
In déjà vu apology, the narcissist repeatedly apologizes for the same offense, without actually changing their behavior.
- “I’m so sorry I cheated on you again. I promise it won’t happen again.”
- “I’m so sorry I lied to you again. I’m just not good at telling the truth.”
This creates a cycle of abuse where the victim is constantly forgiving the narcissist, only for them to hurt them again and again.
Reasons why narcissists use déjà vu apologies:
- First, by constantly apologizing, they can convince themselves and others that they are not really to blame for their hurtful behavior.
- Second, déjà vu apologies help narcissists keep their victims in a cycle of forgiveness and betrayal. They can then break down their victims’ self-esteem and make them more vulnerable to gaslighting.
- Third, déjà vu apologies can help narcissists avoid consequences. Like avoiding a divorce after being caught repeatedly cheating, or, avoiding getting fired for repeatedly missing work.
9. The Self-Pitying Apology
In a “Self-Pitying Apology,” your narcissist details their suffering from being victimized. They are tearful and overemotional in a way that makes you feel sorry for them.
They tell you how depressing the situation is for them, how they are always misinterpreted, or how they have been wronged in the past.
You may even feel guilty to have asked them to apologize—they can have that effect.
- “I’m sorry. It’s been hard for me. People have always misunderstood me.”
- “I know I made a mistake; I’d been personally struggling for some time now.”
- “I know I should have known better, but I’m just not in a good place right now.”
- “I’m so sorry for letting you down; I am so overwhelmed and overworked these days.”
Self-pitying apologies keep the focus on them, making it all about their needs and struggles. Of course, it lets them sidestep taking responsibility for the hurt they caused you.
Narcissist: “I’m so sorry for cheating on you. I know it’s wrong, but you’ve been acting different lately, and that hurt my self-esteem. I was really struggling. I guess I just needed to feel loved and respected.”
10. The Apology That Never Was: “Ghostpology”
It is when narcissists refuse to apologize at all, even when they are clearly wrong. This showcases their lack of empathy and the belief that they have nothing to apologize for.
They are very reluctant to admit that they were wrong.
- First, they fear that apologizing would make them vulnerable and exposed to future criticism.
- Second, apologizing would make them take responsibility for their actions, which they hate to do.
- Third, narcissists have a grandiose sense of self-importance and think they are superior to others. They are afraid that their superior and perfect image will be shattered if they apologize and admit their faults.
So, they never apologize. They may show a few good gestures like buying presents or inviting to dinners.
10 Features of A Narcissist’s Fake Apology
- They Act Like They’re Doing You a Favor: The apology feels transactional. It’s less about taking accountability and more about maintaining control or ending the conflict on their terms.
- They Focus on Your Feelings, Not Their Actions: Instead of owning what they did, they try to soothe your emotional response without addressing the root issue. It’s about calming you, not correcting themselves.
- They Admit Just Enough to Shift Blame Back to You: You may hear something like “I’m sorry you got upset” followed by “but you pushed me.” The partial admission is only a setup to redirect the fault.
- They Evade Responsibility With Excuses or Circumstances: Rather than saying “I was wrong,” they’ll talk about stress, bad moods, or what someone else did. Everything but themselves.
- They Pretend to Feel Bad, But Their Words Ring Hollow: Apologies are flat, forced, or overly dramatic. There’s no consistent follow-through that matches the emotion they’re faking.
- They Keep Hurting You the Same Way: A true apology means changed behavior. Narcissists often repeat the same actions, proving they were never truly sorry.
- They Blame You for “Making” Them Apologize: You may hear, “Fine, I said sorry, what more do you want?” The apology comes with resentment, not reflection.
- They Show No Effort To Repair the Harm: They rarely ask, “What can I do to make it right?” or follow through if they do. There’s no rebuilding, only rushing past the damage.
- They Refuse to Name the Harm They Caused: A narcissist avoids direct admissions like “I lied” or “I betrayed your trust.” Their language stays vague to dodge real accountability.
- They Use Apologies as Tools for Manipulation: Sometimes, they apologize to win you back, avoid consequences, or confuse you into staying. It’s a tactic, not a turning point.
“Finally, the DSM V accepted what I have been saying for decades: that narcissists can have an “inferiority complex” and feel worthless and bad; that they go through cycles of ups and downs in their self-evaluation; and that this cycling influences their mood and affect.” – Sam Vaknin, foremost authority on Narcissistic Personality Disorder
FAQs
What happens that makes a narcissist apologize?
1. Rare remorse: Occasionally, genuine regret for their actions.
2. Testing boundaries: Gauging how much they can get away with.
3. Manipulation: Using insincere apologies to deceive and exploit others.
4. Reestablishing power: Attempting to regain control in the relationship.
5. Self-preservation: Apologizing to maintain control and avoid losing narcissistic supply.What happens when you ignore a narcissist’s apology?
1. Frustration: Narcissists may feel irritated by the lack of attention.
2. Escalation: They might intensify their attempts to regain control.
3. Smear campaign: Spreading rumors or lies to tarnish your image.
4. Discard: Potentially ending the relationship if they feel threatened.
5. Self-reflection: In rare cases, your ignoring may lead them to introspect.
Final Words
- Narcissists are good at saying what others want to hear, and use apologies for this purpose.
- Keep your calm and avoid getting defensive or emotional when they offer you fake apologies.
- If you accept a narcissist’s apology, clearly spell out the consequences for their repeat misconduct.
√ Also Read: 20 Signs of A Narcissist: The Definite Red Flags of Narcissism
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