📅 2 May 2025 • 📖 7 min read
— By Dr. Sandip Roy.
Narcissistic mothers see their daughter as a reflection and extension of themselves, not a separate and independently functioning person.
These daughters spend most of their growing-up years servicing their mothers’ demands, putting their own needs in the background.
As adults, many of them develop “mommy issues” like low self-esteem, difficulty setting boundaries, fear of rejection, and people-pleasing. They are often highly fearful of what others will say and have an indecisive nature.
How Narcissist Mothers Treat Their Daughters?
1. They see their daughters as reflections of themselves
Daughters of narcissistic mothers often feel like they’re seen as an extension of their mom, not as their own person. This can mess with their sense of identity and self-worth.
This study (‘My life felt like a cage without an exit’ – narratives of childhood under the abuse of a narcissistic mother) found that many adult daughters of narcissistic mothers felt they had difficulties defining their selfhood and self-identity.
2. They emotionally neglect their daughters
Narcissistic mothers are so focused on themselves that they can’t give their daughters the emotional support they need. This leaves the daughter feeling emotionally starved and neglected.
3. They lack empathy and concern for their daughter’s well-being
Narcissistic moms often don’t understand or care about their daughters’ feelings. This lack of empathy creates emotional distance and makes the daughter feel like her emotional needs don’t matter.
4. They constantly judge, criticize, and belittle them
Daughters may feel like they’re always being judged and criticized by their narcissistic mothers. This can lead to low self-confidence and a fear of failure.
5. They do not let their daughter develop a self-identity
The narcissistic mother does not see her daughter as a separate person.
She teaches her to act and react the way she “should,” not the way that’s right for her.
The adult daughters of narcissistic mothers do not have a self-identity separate from her mother. They have a hard time figuring out who they are, what their true choices and needs are.
The narcissistic mother is a control freak and does not easily relinquish good and reliable sources of “narcissistic supply” (admiration, adulation, attention of any kind). It is the role of her children to replenish this supply, the children owe it to her. To make sure that the child does not develop boundaries, and does not become independent, or autonomous, the narcissistic parent micromanages the child’s life and encourages dependent and infantile behaviors in her offspring. Such a parent bribes the child (by offering free lodging or financial support or “help” with daily tasks) or emotionally blackmails the child (by constantly demanding help and imposing chores, claiming to be ill or disabled) or even threatens the child (for instance: to disinherit her if she does not comply with the parent’s wishes). The narcissistic mother also does her best to scare away anyone who may upset this symbiotic relationship or otherwise threaten the delicate, unspoken contract. She sabotages any budding relationship her child develops with lies, deceit, and scorn. — Sam Vaknin, “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited”
6. They prioritize their own needs over her daughter’s
Narcissistic mothers often put their own needs and wants first, leaving their daughters feeling neglected and emotionally hungry.
They use emotional blackmail and manipulation to maintain control over her children.
This can result in feelings of insecurity, anger, and resentment.
7. They keep their daughter craving for unconditional love
Daughters of narcissistic moms often grow up without experiencing empathetic, unconditional love. This can make them vulnerable to people who offer a false sense of love and security.
8. They pass on their narcissistic traits to their daughters
Sometimes, narcissistic traits can be passed down from mother to daughter, creating a cycle of distorted ideas about love and mother-daughter relationships. This is called Generational Narcissism.
9. They control every aspect of her daughter’s life
Narcissistic mothers often want to control every aspect of their daughter’s life, from what they wear to who they hang out with.
Narcissistic mothers control and micromanage their daughters’ lives to maintain supply.
This can make the daughter feel trapped and harm her self-esteem.
10. They indulge in bad parenting practices
Narcissistic moms may neglect their daughters’ emotional needs or be overly critical. They may even use their daughter’s achievements to boost their ego.
Narcissistic mothers encourage dependent and infantile behaviors while maintaining control.
11. They always put pressure on their daughter to excel
Narcissistic mothers may force their daughters into activities or pursuits that the daughter has no interest in. This can lead to stress and negatively affect the daughter’s mental health.
12. They push their daughters into a high risk of mental disorders
Research shows that daughters of narcissistic mothers are more likely to experience anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Support and validation are crucial for these daughters to cope with their parent’s behavior.
How To Deal With A Mother’s Narcissistic Behavior
Dealing with a narcissistic parent can be emotionally exhausting and psychologically confusing, especially when it comes to a daughter dealing with her narcissistic mother.
Here are some ways to cope with a narcissistic mother’s behavior:
1. Set Strict Boundaries With Her
Setting boundaries is a must when you’re dealing with a narcissistic mom. Clear limits help you protect yourself from emotional harm. Narcissistic mothers often ignore these boundaries, so be ready to stand your ground.
2. Protect Your Physical Self & Mental Peace
Your well-being comes first. You might feel like you have to look after your mom’s feelings, but that’s not your job. Make sure you’re taking steps to shield yourself from emotional harm.
3. Provide Validation Only To Calm Them Down
Sometimes, giving a little validation can calm things down. Narcissistic moms often crave attention and validation.
But remember, don’t let this step over your boundaries. Don’t always validate their actions, as it would only enable their narcissistic attitude.
4. Learn to Say No More Often
It’s okay to say no to your narcissistic mother. In fact, learning to say No is one of the most valuable human skills you can learn.
This helps you maintain your autonomy and prevents you from getting sucked into her manipulative tactics. Saying no can be empowering and is a form of self-care.
5. Read About Narcissistic People & Behavior
Get to know why narcissistic moms act the way they do. This isn’t to excuse their behavior, but it can help you deal with it more effectively. Knowledge is power, after all.
6. Seek Support From People Besides Your Mother
Don’t go it alone. Reach out to friends, others in your family, or even a therapist.
A support system offers you a safe space to talk and get advice. Therapists can also guide you on how to deal with your mom’s toxic behavior.
Final Words
The narcissist mom’s talks are only about herself and her issues, unconcerned about her kids’ issues. They obstruct their children’s emotional development.
Both boys and girls suffer arrested emotional growth when brought up by narcissistic mothers.
In the case of a narcissistic mother-son attachment, the son may struggle to establish his own identity and sense of self-worth.
However, it’s always much tougher for a daughter dealing with a narcissistic mother. As the mother makes it a point to transfer her attitudes and thinking patterns as ‘training the daughter into a woman.’
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√ Also Read: 6 Reasons You Cannot Fix or Change A Narcissist, Ever
√ Please share it with someone if you found this helpful.