Do you hesitate to utter the word No at work, to your friends, your family members? Are you a people-pleaser, and find it hard to refuse anyone? Then here are some useful tips to help you learn how to say No without hurting anyone, or feeling guilty.
Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough. — Josh Billings, English navigator and explorer
Why Can’t You Say No: Fear or Guilt
How often have you wanted to say No? The answer is probably “many times.”
You fail to say No because you’re afraid you would sound rude to the other person, and make them feel hurt? And if you were to say No, you fear it would make you feel guilty. See that double-edged dilemma?
You realize you ought to speak No to save yourself from painful demands on your time and energy. Still you can’t bring yourself to do it as often as you’d like it.
Suppose you are planning to plug into your hobby project, or spend some alone-time all by yourself, when your friend rings you up to come over. Now, as you cannot say No to them straight to the face, you let your little plan get ruined.
What happens there is this: For the fear you might hurt him by saying No, you end up hurting yourself by saying Yes.
Dancing to someone else’s tune costs you your energy and time. And that is something you need to save yourself from at times. To do that, you must learn to say No when you want to say No, without letting your social etiquette stopping you.Dancing to someone else's tune costs you your energy and time. Click To Tweet
How To Say No But Not Hurt Feelings
You can learn to refuse, decline, and deflect, without hurting anyone.
These 9 useful tips will help you refuse more often. Read on.
1. Tell Your Reason For Refusal
For once, just sit back and think how a simple No could improve your life.
Suppose you were ready to go out with your daughter when your boss calls you and asks to check a corporate assignment. Now, instead of taking it up and blowing your plan, you could say a No telling him your reasons.
The idea is to keep your reasons straight and ready.
I’ve to go out with my daughter.
Focus more on the little things in your life that give you joy. And let go of some of the bigger things you get pushed into.
Later on in life, you’ll realize how important were those little things. Then you’ll regret why didn’t you pick them over tasks others asked of you. Keeping this always on your mind will keep you sharp in refusing with politeness, even when it is tough to do so.
I’ve to watch a movie.
You meet people who are pushy enough to force their ideas on you. They trap you, and make you feel obligated to agree to their offer.
In such situations, as we said, stay sharp. Stop yourself from getting carried away in such situations. Instead, explain in a calm voice why you cannot take up their offer — it can be any reason, good, bad, or lame.
I’ve to feed my goldfish.
2. Just Blurt It Out
One highly effective way is this. When someone asks you to change your well-set plans for them, refuse while being your polite self. Just say a courteous No and walk away.
I’m sorry, but I can’t.
Do not wait for a later time; say No immediately. The more time you take, the more chance they get to add to your pressure by dropping hints. Tell them straightway you won’t be able to accommodate them.
Sorry, but I can’t.
Let them know you would have loved to do what they ask, but some of your important commitments are coming in your way. The thing is to speak what you really feel like speaking out, right away.
Sorry, I can’t.
Your honesty might disarm them, or not, but you will have saved your plans.
3. Suggest A Later Time
Now, from time to time you may feel cornered and find it hard to sneak away from their string of proposals, offer them your best option:
I need time.
You could ask them to postpone the plan while offering to make it some other time. This would finally bring both of you to an agreement, and you will be saying a halfway No.
If there’s one quick practical tip to kick-start your habit of declining, it’s this: Postpone saying Yes or No right away. Instead, say you need some time to decide.
Don’t ask their permission if you could get back to them sometime later. Make it plain and clear you will inform them when you have thought it over.
I need time.
4. Stop Feeling Guilty To Say No
A No to the face can make you feel guilty at times. But sometimes it is alright to feel so to save yourself from compromising your plans. You also have your priorities to sort out before agreeing to others’ plans.
Also, stop feeling afraid because you think they might refuse you when your time comes to ask them for a favor. Your saying Yes doesn’t obligate them to return the favor. In any case, they are of free will to decide what they want to do when the time comes, as are you.
The guilt of a No evaporates as you begin to take joy in the positive payoffs of your choice.
When you feel the guilt of saying No, ask yourself:
What are you saying No for?
Once you answer yourself that above, you’ll no more feel guilty to say No.
You’ll realize your polite refusal has made room for your priorities in life. You now have more time to do things that give your life meaning. You now have more energy to spend on your family and your close ones.[A bestseller by psychologists and leadership experts Henry Cloud and John Townsend on learning when to say yes and how to say no is: Boundaries.]
5. Pleasing Everyone Is Not Your Forte
You simply cannot please everyone, and that’s a truth you need to accept fast. In trying to please all, you not only take on unnecessary pressure, but also ruin your happiness in the long run.
People-pleasing is never a very healthy habit. People-pleasers are addicted to others’ approval, low on self-esteem, and emotional co-dependents. They often suffer from a feeling they haven’t done enough for others.
Trying to please all will exhaust you. In the end, there will always be a few who will stay unhappy.
The truth is no matter how hard you try, you can not make everyone around you happy. There are fault-finders and trolls everywhere. Even your best intentions and utmost efforts will fail to make everyone pleased. You need to accept that truth.
There is another way to look at it. People-pleasers are also seen as manipulators who are putting up an act to collect approvals.[Here’s a research-based book on this problem by psychologist Harriet Braiker: The Disease To Please.]
6. Know Your Self-worth
If you fail to recognize your worth, there’s a good chance you say yes to any proposal that comes your way. So, it is vital to fix your self-worth first. It would improve your confidence.
As your confidence grows, you start to figure out the downsides of agreeing to everything thrown your way. This further strengthens your resolve to say No. And you gradually find it easier to refuse the more persuasive people.
In the final run, you add quality-time to your life.
7. Be Assertive
The more you say Yes to every offer and every person, the more people start to size you up as a malleable person. But once you become assertive and start saying No more often, people start to see you as such.
Once people realize you’re well capable of saying a strong No, they won’t try to push their agenda on you.
By putting your needs first, you also cut your chances of meeting those who can persuade people to death.
8. You Are Not The Last Resort
Realize this. Your withdrawal from their plans would not affect either of you too much. Once you realize that, it will be easier for you to say No.
So, don’t put yourself in the situation where you have to say yes when you really want to say No. Your agreeing to their proposal might leave you with resentment and anger. And in the long run, it might burn you out.
9. Learn Where To ‘Not’ Say No
You have to be careful to assess the situations where you need to say Yes, and analyze what will happen if you say no.
If it’s going to have some far-reaching consequences when you say No, then you’re better off saying Yes. For instance, you would not like to provoke an irritable boss who would most likely retaliate.
Think about the consequences of your No. Analyze if your denial would lead to something disastrous. It would help you taking the right decision at the right situation. It might save you, yourself, from getting hurt.
Make a note of all things that come first in your life. Then downright reject everything else when it comes to fulfilling those. Shake off your inhibitions and start saying No.
Don’t give space in your life to the inconvenient demands of others.
You should celebrate the success of the little refusals you will be making in the coming weeks. That would keep you motivated. Also, do not forget to celebrate the joys you will be getting after taking the “NO” way.
Now, at this point, if you have learned to finally say the golden word, then bingo! You have taken a step forward in giving priority to your happiness.[Do you know what’s the science behind the law of attraction? It’s this: Self-fulfilling Prophecy.]
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Authors’ Bio: Shirley Brown is an experienced lifestyle orator and academic expert associated with MyAssignmenthelp. Sandip Roy is psychology writer, happiness researcher, and medical doctor. Founder of Happiness India Project, and chief editor of its blog.
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