— Reviewed by Dr. Sandip Roy.
Why is it difficult to confuse a narcissist?
- First, narcissists are manipulative, so they prey on others. Yet, they are insecure, thinking others are also plotting to prey on them. So, they’re very alert to people trying to trick them.
- Second, though they don’t fully understand other people’s emotions, they work hard at it. Over time, they get smooth at predicting and reacting normally to situations. This lets them put up a believable show of empathy.
Those make it tough to derail them into a state of confusion.
But you can throw them into a tailspin, using their personality quirks against them.
Read to find out how — it is a fascinating read!
How To Confuse A Narcissist (And Drive Them Nuts)
Narcissists need admiration to maintain their inflated sense of superiority. They arrange their lives such that people around them predictably praise and obey them.
To confuse a narcissist, you have to push them into an unpredicted situation.
Nudge them into a state in which they are not sure how to respond, and they can get utterly dazed.
Here are some good ways to confound a narcissist:
1. Ask them an unanswerable question.
This one is easy — Ask them an unanswerable question.
See these examples:
“Were you always this self-centered, or you became this recently?”
“Have you ever considered suing the empathy part of your brain for non-support?”
“Do you still love yourself, despite what it did to you?”
Build a personalized list of unanswerable questions to use against your narcissist, and use them from time to time.
2. Give them an ambiguous insult.
A narcissist’s self-esteem is almost non-existent, and they realize this. Because of this, they are extremely sensitive, easily hurt, and do not tolerate criticism.
You could toss them these nasty, confusing taunts:
“Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn’t have given you worse advice.”
“I don’t mind you talking for so long, as long as you don’t mind my not listening.”
“I don’t think you are a narc. But then, what’s my own humble opinion against thousands of others?”
They realize that these insults demean their self-esteem, but the cognitive dissonance they create in their minds makes them befuddled.
3. Play the Gray Rock game.
Using the “gray rock” technique with a narcissist means you do not respond to their provocations, accusations, or reactions. As if all your responses were coming from a boring gray-colored rock.
Simply stand non-responsive in the dominating presence of your narcissist. And give them little to zero reaction to their questions, behaviors, and requests.
“Hmm.”
“K.”
“.”
The last one is the Sound of Silence, something no one can misquote.
It may seem somewhat fearful to stay expressionless against their fearmongering tactics. Your gray-rock act may puzzle and provoke them.
If you have to talk more than monosyllables, then keep your talks strictly transactional. Don’t share anything more than necessary.
Your gray rock technique also baffles them because they no longer see what they are used to seeing, and you burst out in emotions to their behavior.
Use your courage. Courage is about you — you standing up against fear, not you needing to bully others.
Courage is the ability to do things that you find frightening.
Sages and the scientists both agree that courage is being afraid and still doing it.
4. Go “No Contact” with them.
Stop talking to them. Block them everywhere.
Stop going to places where they usually hang out.
Demolish all channels of communication between them and you.
Just do not let them contact you via any mode, themselves or through their flying monkeys.
This confuses them because going “no contact” is what narcissists are known to do in a passive-aggressive treatment of you.
5. Say “No” to everything they say.
Narcissists train people to praise them and do things for them.
They get extremely upset when any of their “pets” abandon them because they have to train another one.
So, they get confused when you, their “yes-guy,” start refusing their demands and requests.
They are more confused when you decline to accept their gifts, compliments, and favors.
You can say “No” with your actions too.
Suddenly break contact and walk out of their presence. Leave the room mid-sentence, whether it is you or they talking.
6. Set and enforce boundaries with them.
Boundaries in a relationship are rules that prevent one person from invading another’s personal space.
Without boundaries, we risk mistaking our needs and desires for those of the other person, leading to codependency.
Codependency is an unhealthy relationship in which one person makes excessive efforts to meet the needs of the other, often at the expense of their own well-being. They can sacrifice their own needs, feelings, and desires to please the other person.
The truth is that a healthy relationship cannot exist without clear boundaries. Building strong boundaries is about being the gatekeeper of your life, to keep yourself safe and well.
Narcissists hate boundaries because boundaries take away their influence on their victims. It makes their victims no longer codependent on them.
In fact, they love to trample over the normally understood boundaries of any relationship.
Grandiose narcissism is associated with heightened use of assertive but not defensive self-presentation tactics. Vulnerable narcissism was associated with heightened use of both assertive and defensive self-presentation tactics – Hart, Adams, & Alex (2016)
So, set strict boundaries for the narcissist in your life. This will confuse them to no end since they always thought that you were accessible to them whenever they wanted.
Get them to repeat they understand what they must not do. Otherwise, they will breach your boundaries bit by bit over time.
Remember, setting a boundary is not just instructing them to not do something. It must also involve telling them what you shall do if they violate your instruction.
I have had a case in which the woman was woken up at odd times in the night whenever her husband had to go to the bathroom. He would switch on all the lights, bang against things, and swear out loud until she woke up startled. Over the years, she had become a light sleeper, always waking up at the slightest sound.
FAQs
Can we control a narcissist’s pattern of thinking so that they are unable to manipulate us?
No, you cannot change a narcissist’s bloated sense of self-importance, make them truly empathize with others, or own up to their mistakes.
If you’re in a relationship with an abusive narcissist, the best thing to do is to focus on self-care and self-preservation.
Set boundaries with this abusive person and point out that you will not tolerate their manipulative or abusive behavior.
Get help from a mental health expert to protect your well-being, understand how the relationship will evolve, and ways to deal with its challenges.
Suppose my friend is a narcissist. How can I talk to them so that they do not feel bad?
If your friend is a narcissist or has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, approach them with empathy and alertness.
Your empathy will explain why the narcissist cannot seem to understand and aptly respond to your feelings. Focus on listening to them and accepting their perspective.
Remain patient and non-judgmental. Avoid confronting or challenging their beliefs and opinions, as this can often turn into a bad situation.
Stay alert to their attempts to manipulate and control you. Tell them clearly that you can support them as long as they don’t use their tactics on you. Also, tell them that you won’t be an “enabler” for their unhealthy behavior.
If they overwhelm you, seek support from a relationship expert trained in narcissism who can guide and support you in handling your relationship.
Final Words
- Narcissists show more aggressive behavior than normal people (Penney & Spector, 2002).
- It has also been shown that narcissists are only aggressive when provoked (Baumeister, Bushman, & Campbell, 2000).
So, setting out to confuse a narcissist is not entirely risk-free — they could read it as a call to show their anger. It could push your relationship into a cruel abuser-victim dynamic. Take care of your safety at all times.
Three reasons why you should avoid provoking a narcissist:
- First, a narcissist could have an undiagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), which is a serious mental health condition that requires professional therapy.
- Second, you might throw them into a fit of narcissistic rage, and then be running for your own safety.
- Third, it is unfair to play their dirty game of manipulation.
√ Also Read: What Triggers Narcissistic Rage? What Happens During It?
√ Please spread the word if you found this helpful.
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