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People buy from us when they like us, as The Science of Influence tells us. So, isn’t it logical that narcissists are like others who mirror their traits?Of course, narcissists are comfortable being their rude, bragging, and arrogant selves. They accept their own narcissistic traits as things useful to have (Carlson, 2013).
But, should we count on narcissists to be accepting of these same narcissistic traits in others? We will explore this in a while.
A fascinating fact first: Two occasions when narcissists really like each other.
- When two narcissists meet first, they feel validated that narcissistic traits are good to have.
- “Ordinary” narcissists seek contact with powerful, high-status, or attractive narcissists.
Now, let’s make a quick dive into this fascinating human behavior. And find out, do narcissists like other narcissists.
Do Narcissists Like Other Narcissists?
The answer is a little more complex than a straightforward Yes or No, as research suggests.
One side: Mutual Dislike
Due to narcissists’ tendency to be easily offended, generally dislike others, and view other narcissists as competitors, it is reasonable to say that narcissists are less accepting of narcissistic traits in others.
Research supporting “Narcissists Dislike Other Narcissists”:
- Narcissists are likely to demean someone with a narcissistic reputation as they are particularly offended by typical narcissistic behaviors, like being aggressive, rude, insensitive (Bushman & Baumeister, 1998, Rhodewalt & Morf, 1998, Stucke & Sporer, 2002).
- They have a better memory for others’ transgressions (McCullough & Emmons, 2003). They find it more difficult to forgive others’ transgressions (Exline & Baumeister, 2004).
- Narcissists are overall less agreeable people (Paulhus & Williams, 2002). They are less accepting of other narcissists due to their generalized inclination to regard others negatively (Buss & Chiodo, 1991, Holtzman, 2010).
- They have contemptuous mistrust of others (Rhodewalt & Morf, 1995). And tend to use more of derogatory interpersonal language (Adams & Florell, 2014).
Other side: Mutual Liking
Since people generally tend to like others who are similar to themselves, and narcissists are aware of and appreciate their own narcissistic traits, it makes sense that they would be more accepting of narcissistic traits in others.
Research supporting “Narcissists Like Narcissists”:
- People tend to feel a sense of kinship with others who share similar attitudes, and were more willing to help others who were similar to them (Park & Schaller, 2005).
- Narcissists might not be bothered by the narcissistic traits that often come with being high-status, like being aggressive, selfish, vain, or egotistical (Foster et al., 2009, Foster and Trimm, 2008). As a result, they may not mind when others display similar narcissistic behaviors.
- Narcissists are more likely to seek out individuals who possess qualities such as high status and physical attractiveness (Campbell, 1999, Campbell et al., 2002).
- Narcissists are likley to get attracted to people who gave them an opportunity to boost their self-image(Tanchotsrinon, Maneesri, & Campbell, 2007).
- Those who reported high levels of narcissistic traits were more tolerant of others with similar traits. Moreover, the connection between narcissism and tolerance for narcissistic traits in others was influenced by how much narcissists recognized these traits in themselves (Hart & Adams, 2014).
So, the final answer: Do Narcissists Like Other Narcissists?
Narcissists tend to be more lenient toward others with similar narcissistic traits. This leniency may explain why narcissists are drawn to people who possess high status and physical beauty. And are more accepting of the selfish behaviors of these people.
What might give rise to their interpersonal issues is that narcissists are attracted to the very qualities that can frustrate and upset them. These problems are often the result of their insensitivity and tendency to misinterpret others’ intentions as bad (hostile-attribution bias).
So yes, narcissists tend to like other narcissists.
What happens when two narcissists get together?
When two narcissists get together, it’s usually a recipe for conflict and emotional turmoil.
1. The Power Dynamics
Power Struggle: There’s constant competition between them. Each person tries to outdo the other, which creates a stressful situation. This can be especially tough if there are kids involved, as they can feel the tension.
Two narcissists can’t balance the power-play in the relationship. Each gets annoyed when the human who reflects their values, beliefs, and interests also wants them to serve them selflessly.
Narcissists have an inflated sense of self-importance and a strong need for admiration. They often seek out others with similar traits, believing that shared values will foster understanding.
However, relationships between two narcissists tend to become competitive and conflict-ridden, as both narcissists strive for control and admiration. This often results in lower commitment levels and a lack of effort to sustain the relationship.
This study found that people scoring high on narcissism were less likely to be committed to their current relationships. They were more likely to think that they could find someone better. They were also more interested in other dating partners. This makes them put in less effort to maintain the current relationship.
So, while narcissists may initially like other narcissists, sustaining a healthy relationship is a low possibility.
2. The Emotional Costs
Competition and One-Upsmanship: These relationships are all about trying to be better than the other. Both narcissists will brag about their achievements and downplay what their partner does, creating a toxic environment filled with rivalry and insecurity.
Relationships between two narcissists can be highly competitive.
The competitive need to look successful, charismatic, and confident, bores them out soon. This control factor becomes even more pronounced when two narcissists date.
Narcissists seek constant emotional validation, leading to high rivalry, envy, jealousy, and a strong tendency to be on up on the other
Their focus on individual needs creates obstacles to emotional intimacy and trust, leaving both partners feeling unfulfilled.
Over time, this can cause high emotional damage, leading some of them to withdraw from all real-world social interactions.
Some others may choose non-narcissists high on empathy and exploit them with high vengeance.
3. The Stressful Volatility
Volatile Relationships: When two narcissists are in a relationship, it can be unstable and destructive. They both have a strong need for control and attention, which leads to constant fighting for power.
Narcissists often seek out relationships with other narcissists since they feel that a mutual understanding of each other’s traits will reduce friction and dislike.
They are drawn to those who not just understand but also appreciate their narcissistic behavior, expecting to have fewer power struggles and competition for control.
However, beyond the initial period of peace, there is increased tension and conflict, as both struggle for dominance every time they talk to each other.
When both are talking to a third person, the stress shows up as both compete to draw more attention to themselves.
The narcissist-narcissist relationship is marred by a constant battle for control that often results in an unstable and volatile relationship.
4. The Control Factor
Destructive Tactics: To keep control, narcissists often use manipulative tactics. They might play mind games, shift blame, or project their own issues onto their partner. This only makes the relationship more toxic and unhealthy.
We see everyday narcissists in love with the big narcissists who rule over them. Every dictator seems to have a huge fan following.
Narcissists eventually come to hate each other’s need for praise, grandiosity, self-importance, and lack of empathy. Bickering starts as each strives to gain more power, control, and admiration from their mutual relationships.
In essence, narcissist-narcissist relationships often serve as a means to an end, and they can do whatever it takes to maintain their position of superiority.
So their fights are highly acidic. The narcissist couple’s neighbors correctly attest to the climate of the relationship between them.
5. The Jealousy Angle
Narcissists’ relationships with other narcissists can become a source of envy, jealousy, and drama.
Narcissists approach other narcissists with two assumptions:
- One is that they are the smarter one among the two narcissists.
- Two is that they can peacefully adjust to another narcissist, giving them occasional control in the relationship.
In a narcissist-narcissist coupling, a volatile mix of competition, jealousy, and drama turns the relationship into a breeding ground for toxicity.
Narcissists lack empathy, meaning they struggle to understand or share the feelings of others. This makes no one soften their stand to understand the other’s pain.
This results in frequent misunderstandings, arguments, and high drama.
The inflated sense of self-importance makes both hell-bent on maintaining they are right and the other as wrong, amplifying their negative aspects
Since both vie for validation and admiration, a complaint both have in these relationships is, “She/He does not even praise the troubles I took for him/her.”
The continuous need to outshine the other and claim the upper hand can create an environment ripe for jealousy and envy.
If one perceives the other as gaining more attention or admiration, it can trigger a power struggle.
Moreover, their relentless pursuit of superiority leads to manipulation and game-playing in the relationship.
This can create a cyclical pattern of drama, as each party continually tries to assert dominance over the other.
6. The Weak Spots
Narcissists are often known to gather other people’s weak spots so they could attack them at places that hurt the most.
As narcissists often guard their own vulnerabilities tightly while seeking to exploit those of others, the knowledge of mutual vulnerabilities can sharply influence the relationship’s dynamics.
Both know that the other’s vulnerability lies in their fragile ego. What remains is collecting the points in each other’s past that will sting them when they are least expecting it.
When both know each other’s vulnerabilities, it can lead to insecurity, defensiveness, and even rage.
Each may go to great lengths to deny or hide their vulnerabilities, even more since they know their partner is an expert in exploiting these vulnerabilities.
So, narcissistic relationships soon escalate in terms of raised voices.
These people are so obsessed with keeping themselves safe from being hurt that their high-tempo voices upset other people to avoid them.
Narcissists are more focused on their own needs and less concerned with their partner’s needs. This makes them more likely to engage in exit, voice, and neglect behaviors in their romantic relationships (Campbell & Foster, 2002).
- Exit refers to the tendency to withdraw from conflict or to end the relationship altogether.
- Voice refers to the tendency to express one’s needs and concerns in a direct and assertive way.
- Neglect refers to the tendency to ignore one’s partner’s needs and concerns.
Moreover, in a narcissist-narcissist relationship, each one’s lack of empathy means they will not respond with understanding or support when faced with the other’s vulnerabilities.
Instead, they may dismiss, ignore, or take advantage of these vulnerabilities, leading to an absence of emotional safety and trust in the relationship.
As the likelihood of manipulation increases and trust diminishes, these relationships seem to end in bitter splits.
[Find out 10 Facts About Narcissistic Love: Can A Narcissist Love?]
7. The Dance of Symbiosis
Symbiosis is a relationship of mutual benefit.
Narcissists tend to have relationships with other narcissists because they start out with the feeling that each will be defended by the other, as both are in traits, opinions, and beliefs.
When two narcissists enter into a relationship, they often form a unique, complex, and volatile symbiotic bond.
It’s a dynamic that can be seen as mutually beneficial while being more destructive for their mutual enemies.
A narcissist-narcissist relationship can be viewed as symbiotic in the sense that both parties understand and mirror each other’s desires for admiration, dominance, and control.
They recognize their shared need for validation and often provide it for each other, at least initially.
They appreciate the grandiosity, charisma, and self-importance reflected in each other. This mutual understanding and validation can lead to a deep connection, where each narcissist feels seen and appreciated for their true self.
The symbiotic element is based on their shared narcissistic traits rather than a genuine emotional connection or mutual respect.
However, this type of relationship can also be highly toxic as both partners may be more interested in teaming up to harm their mutual enemies.
And when all against them have been dealt with, they get to assert their own dominance, threatening the other’s sense of superiority. The relationship can then quickly devolve into conflict and power struggles.
Over time, the symbiotic relationship can become a zero-sum game, where the success or dominance of one narcissist is perceived as a threat by the other, leading to jealousy, resentment, and a cycle of mutual manipulation and retaliation.
Some studies on narcissism:
- Watson et al., 1984. Narcissism and Empathy: Validity Evidence for the Narcissistic Personality Inventory.
- Bradlee & Emmons, 1992. Locating Narcissism within the Interpersonal Circumplex and the Five-Factor Model.
- Bushman & Baumeister, 1998. Threatened Egotism, Narcissism, Self Esteem, and Direct and Displaced Aggression.
- Campbell & Baumeister, 2001. Is Loving the Self Necessary for Loving Another? An Examination of Identity and Intimacy.
8. The Long-Term Harms
When two narcissists end a relationship, the aftermath can be particularly destructive and harmful for both.
One of the worst harms that narcissists may face post-breakup is an erosion of self-esteem and a crisis of identity.
Narcissists often derive a large part of their self-worth and identity from the validation, admiration, and dominance in their relationships.
When a relationship ends, especially in a competitive or hostile manner, it can pose a direct threat to their inflated self-image and lead to a deep sense of loss and insecurity.
The breakup of a narcissist-narcissist relationship can also lead to a lot of psychological distress and repercussions.
The intense power struggles, competition, and emotional manipulation common in these relationships can cause lingering feelings of anger, betrayal, resentment, and guilt.
These acerbic emotions can worsen existing mental health issues, such as depression or anxiety, and lead to harmful coping strategies, such as substance abuse or self-harm.
When two narcissists break up, they move away without closure and with memories of many unresolved conflicts.
Since narcissists do not take responsibility for their actions, it is difficult for them to process the end of a relationship, accept their role in the breakup, and achieve closure.
The lack of closure and unresolved conflicts can lead to a long period of bitterness, blame, and a refusal to move on. This can further block their emotional growth and their ability to form healthier relationships in the future.
As they say, “Hurt people hurt people.”
Finally, the end of a narcissist-narcissist relationship can reinforce their toxic patterns of behavior and make them become more harmful in future relationships.
Takeaway: Narcissist-Narcissist Equation
Overall, there are both benefits and drawbacks to a narcissist being in a relationship with another narcissistic person.
Two potential benefits:
- Each may feel understood and validated by the other. Both realize that society looks down on narcissists, so being a narcissist is difficult in a normal world.
- Both partners can give each other the constant attention and admiration they crave.
Two potential drawbacks:
- The relationship may be highly competitive and conflictual, as both partners are constantly vying for attention and control from each other as well as from others (like mutual friends).
- The relationship may lack emotional intimacy and trust, as both partners are primarily focused on their own needs. Emotional aloofness and envy complicate things further.
“Narcissists are often fans of other, bigger narcissists. But two narcissists making a healthy relationship together is nearly impossible.”
Final Words
Narcissists rarely do self-reflection, so they do not see the need to mend the wrongs in their behavior.
How to spot a narcissist? There are 20 signs.
When two narcissists end their relationship, they are more likely to seek soft targets who are kind and empathetic, and in need of emotional care.
Despite their grandiose sense of self-importance, they can do better in life and society if they seek psychological counseling to manage their challenges in working/cohabiting with others.
√ Also Read: How To Argue With A Narcissist: 7 Ways To Beat Their Tricks
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