Today's Sunday • 7 mins read
— By Dr. Sandip Roy.
Most narcissistic apologies are so fake that they trigger you to go defensive or hostile.
Narcissists offer excuses, blame-shifts, and victim-shaming, not genuine remorse in their apologies.
A narcissist’s fake apologies can range from nonpology to ghostpology. Their apologies often come with conditions attached, like “I’m sorry, but I was just joking, and you should have understood!”
So, dealing with a narcissist’s apology can mean facing emotional blackmail, half-truths, or gaslighting.
Here’s how to protect your peace and stay grounded when that happens:
1. Expect Some Element of Insincerity
A narcissist’s apology is hard to come by. Moreover, when they say sorry, they’re not really sorry.
They do not apologize to repair the hurt or make amends for their mistakes. They do so to escape the consequences of their actions. That’s the harsh truth.
Don’t assume they’re remorseful just because they said “sorry” with tears in their eyes. Instead, take time to see the manipulative intent in those words.
Trust patterns, not promises. Process their words with caution.
2. Stay Realistic About Who They Are
They lack empathy by default. You can’t force insight or empathy into someone who isn’t wired for it. So, always keep your expectations realistic when dealing with a narcissist.
Don’t expect growth where there’s denial. Don’t expect them to change all of a sudden just because they said the right thing.
You cannot change their behavior, so avoid arguments over “their versions of the truth.”
Don’t forgive them for their non-apologies, those “Sorry, but …” apologies. Instead, keep your interactions with them transactional, stop expecting them to change, and guard your sanity.
3. Keep Your Boundaries Non-Negotiable
Whether you accept their apology or not, make sure you clearly tell them about your boundaries.
Tell them what you will not tolerate moving forward. Get them to agree.
If possible, ask them to repeat your boundaries in their own words.
That’s not for their clarity; it’s for the record. Narcissists typically fear going back on their recorded statements.
- Find time to read this: 8 Ways To Keep Your Cool Around A Narcissist.
4. Focus on Behavior, Not Words
A narcissist may say anything to restore their image. So, when your narcissist apologizes, don’t rush to believe it.
Watch what they do next. In fact, tell them you’re not convinced by their words and will keep watch on their future actions.
Don’t explain yourself. Be curt with your words. Let their actions speak louder than their words.
Do they follow through? Or do they keep crossing the same lines?
5. Don’t Take The Bait
Fake apologies from a narcissist come laced with blame, excuses, or provocations.
Stay calm. Realize and remind yourself that narcissists love drama; it gives them importance.
They want you to react emotionally so they can flip the script. Don’t get pulled into arguments.
If needed, give a short response or no response at all. Your calm is your strength.
6. Document What Happens
Keep a personal journal. It’s not just for venting.
It helps you fact-check your reality when they gaslight you later. Writing down what was said, done, or promised creates a trail you can trust when doubt creeps in.
You can also use it to track their behavior around your personal space and boundaries, and to identify patterns and habits.
Moreover, those notes can also be helpful if you want to divorce your narcissist and deal with the legal side of things.
7. Find Emotional Nourishment Elsewhere
There are at least 10 reasons why dealing with narcissists is emotionally draining.
Narcissists rarely provide emotional safety or empathy. Worse, from early in the relationship, they try to cut you off from your social circle.
So, stay connected to others. Find people who will listen and understand you without judging you. Do not lose touch with your friends, family, and others who support you.
If you start to feel isolated, consider joining a narcissist survivor group. They can validate your experience and help you see through the narcissist’s relentless gaslighting.
Your healing depends on more than just surviving this relationship. You need to save your future mental sanity.
8. Don’t Try to Teach Them
Do not try to fix, treat, or sort out your narcissist; you’ll fail at it.
You may be tempted to explain how a real apology works or what they should have said. But this rarely goes well.
They’re not looking to understand. They’re trying to maintain control. Save your energy. Focus on your safety and clarity instead.
9. Reinforce Change Only If It’s Genuine
If you do notice consistent, respectful changes in behavior, acknowledge them, without over-investing emotionally.
Validation can be helpful, but only when the change is real and sustained over time.
Never reward crumbs. This is over and above the urge to respond to their triggers for drama.
10. Prioritize Your Safety
If you feel unsafe or at risk, consider it an emergency. Act on it without announcing it.
Telling them you’re feeling unsafe may make them think you might leave them, and they’ll lose control over you.
Narcissists, when they sense a loss of control, can escalate their abuse, explode in narcissistic rage, or become inhumanely cruel.
They can play you until the last moment your divorce is finalized. Your (and your children’s, if you have them) well-being matters more than their comfort.
Get support from friends and family before moving out of the relationship.
Make an exit plan, and even get a restraining order if needed.
4 Main Ways To Respond To A Narcissist’s Apologies
Most narcissistic apologies are so fake that they trigger you. The correct way is not to defend, not to engage, not to explain, and not to personalize.
1. Don’t Defend
A narcissist’s fake apology can trigger feelings of hurt or frustration. Stop rushing to defend your feelings or actions in response to their insincere words. Since narcissists often twist your words to suit their narrative, trying to defend yourself can expose you to more manipulation and conflict.
2. Don’t Engage
Don’t engage with the narcissist’s apology, like pointing out how it’s fake. Engaging can give them the attention they seek and prolong the interaction. They can then resort to gaslighting and tone-policing. And may wear you down with their word-salad that you may give in to accepting their fake apology.
3. Don’t Explain
There’s no need to clarify your perspective or feelings. Narcissists do not genuinely understand or care about your explanations. So, doing so can only lead to unnecessary frustration and emotional exhaustion.
4. Don’t Personalize
Their apologies are almost always self-serving and other-blaming. So don’t take their words as personal insults; they’d do the same for others in your place. Resist getting drawn into an argument. Instead, maintain your boundaries to protect your self-esteem and avoid emotional turmoil.
Final Words
If you refuse to accept their apologies, the narcissist may recruit third parties to advance their agenda. Be cautious.
Called flying monkeys, these can be friends, colleagues, and family members who come and tell you to forgive the poor narcissist.
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√ Also Read: What Triggers Narcissistic Rage? What Happens During It?
√ Please share it with someone if you found this helpful.
