Today's Thursday • 6 mins read
The person you’re dating for a long time pulls away when you try to get too close or intimate. Psychologists say this could be because they have a Fearful Avoidant (FA) attachment style.
They have a strong “fear” of rejection, and so tend to “avoid” too much closeness.
It’s like, “Let me stay distant before we get too close, and you break up, reject, or abandon me.”
What might have caused their rejection sensitivity?
Can you find out if your avoidant partner loves you?
5 Signs That A Fearful Avoidant Loves You
A fearful-avoidant has a strong desire for intimacy along with a deep fear of abandonment. Because they “fear” being rejected and abandoned, they “avoid” intimacy.
They can still love, but they express it uniquely due to their attachment style. These are the signs that they are in love:
1. They allow themselves to be vulnerable with you.
Fearful‑avoidants usually stay emotionally guarded. But when they begin to love, they slowly open up.
They start to share feelings, private thoughts, or painful memories. This shift from guardedness to honest vulnerability is a clear sign of trust.
Example: They tell you about a shameful childhood memory they never discussed before. That admission matters more than grand declarations.
A downside: this deliberate exposure can make them feel more clingy or dependent as they test whether closeness will hold.
2. They share secrets that used to be private.
When an avoidant feels a strong connection, they begin to share honest details about their lives that they normally keep to themselves.
Trust shows in what someone chooses to reveal. Their sharing of secrets, hopes, or long-term worries or dreams with you is a signal that you are part of their trusted circle.
Note: this is not a single event. Look for repeated disclosures over weeks or months.
3. Their nonverbal cues become warmer in public.
They avoid the obvious public displays of affection (PDA), but their small public gestures are meaningful.
They can start to hold your hand in a crowd, make steady eye contact, or make a protective movement that signals attachment. They may be physically closer or gently touching you more often in public.
These behaviors are subtle because overt affection can feel threatening. So notice the small, consistent gestures.
4. They prioritize time with you and show up.
When avoidants start canceling other plans or setting aside time for you, it means they are choosing you over others.
They are making time for you and showing up. They are trying to get closer by committing to meeting you and sharing quality time with you.
Then, when you notice them being mindfully present during conversations and follow through on plans, it shows their actions match their affection.
5. They try to meet your needs, even when it’s uncomfortable.
A fearful avoidant often avoids emotional labor. But when they step in to ease your stress or help solve a problem, it shows they value your well-being.
Watch for changes in behavior that show genuine concern: checking in after a rough day, remembering your small preferences, or offering practical help without being prompted.
They try to make you feel safe and secure. They are present when you need them. They notice changes in your mood, show interest in your life, and actively try to know what makes you happy.
“A“though they might still struggle with emotional intimacy, putting your needs first is a sign that they are committed to and willing to work on the relationship.”
Why Fearful Avoidants Avoid Closeness In Relationships
Fearful avoidants (FA) usually have a history of being hurt or abandoned in relationships.
They might have been unexpectedly abandoned by their parents, guardians, partners, or other intimate relationships.
This might have made them fearful of being left alone and hurt again. It often leads to a push-pull pattern in their relationships, where they reach out, but retreat when intimacy feels too close yet uncertain.
They are hyperalert to signs of rejection or abandonment, which can lead to anxiety and intimacy avoidance.
How To Respond To A FA Without Pushing Them Away
Fearful avoidants (FA) need help to feel psychological safety and certainty before building a close bond.
If you see signs that your avoidant partner loves you, and you want the relationship to grow, use three actions to build safety without pressure:
- Be reliably available. Small, consistent actions matter. Show up at agreed times, respond predictably to texts, and follow through on promises. Reliability reduces anxiety more than emotional speeches.
- Set clear, kind boundaries. State what you need in simple terms. For example: “If plans change, I need a text 24 hours in advance.” Boundaries signal that you respect yourself and create predictable patterns for both partners. In any case, all relationships should have seven boundaries.
- Use low-pressure check-ins. Replace urgent confrontations with neutral check-ins: “I liked how we handled dinner last week. How did you feel about it?” Keep questions open and nonjudgmental.
When The Push-Pull Pattern Turns Unhealthy
Love from a fearful avoidant doesn’t fix every relationship issue.
If you’re always the one reaching out after they withdraw, giving up your needs to keep the peace, or feeling drained from trying to meet their emotional demands, the pattern has become one-sided.
Watch for repeated cycles where you rush to ease their anxiety, or where their retreat turns into chronic distance.
To get clarity, ask yourself these:
- Have they shared a painful memory with you? Yes or no.
- Do they try to reduce your stress without being asked? Yes or no.
- Do they choose time with you when they could do otherwise? Yes or no.
Three “yes” answers suggest love that’s moving toward trust. Fewer than three suggest affection that’s still guarded.
If the relationship keeps leaving you depleted, consider therapy. Emotionally-Focused Couple Therapy may be especially indicated to enhance the intimate life of individuals with fearful-avoidant tendencies (Johnson, Lafontaine, & Dalgleish, 2012).
Final Words
Quick Checklist: The main characteristics of fearful avoidant people are:
- Trust issues and hypervigilance.
- Inconsistent and unpredictable behavior.
- Fear of intimacy and deep emotional connections.
- An imbalance between the need for dependence and independence.
A fearful-avoidant’s love differs from the warmth or steadiness of normal emotional expression. It is cautious and often quiet.
Recognize the signs that matter: vulnerability, private sharing, small public cues, priority time, and meaningful help.
Respond with consistency, clear boundaries, and gentle curiosity about how to make intimacy feel safe.
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√ Also Read: 10 Tips To Make Someone Fall in Love With You Again
√ Please share this if you found it helpful.
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