Trauma Bonding In Relationships: Signs That You Are In One

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Trauma bonding is a mental and emotional bond between a victim and their abuser, in which the victim feels attachment, comfort, security, or even gratitude toward the abuser.

Trauma bonding is sometimes compared with Stockholm syndrome because both involve emotional attachment to an abuser. However, they are not identical.

Stockholm syndrome is usually discussed in hostage or captivity situations, while trauma bonding is more often used for ongoing abusive relationships.

In both cases, the abusive person does not respond to the victim’s goodwill with consistent care or healthy affection.

What is trauma bonding in relationships?

Trauma bonding is a strong emotional attachment that can develop between a victim and their abuser. It is a survival-driven response to cycles of abuse, fear, and brief periods of affection or relief. The victim may feel gratitude, relief, or hope when the abuser is temporarily kind or nonviolent (Reid & Haskell, 2013).

Trauma bonds can keep a victim connected to the one who harms or exploits them. Over time, the victim may feel grateful for small acts of kindness, internalize blame for the abuse, and become more attached when the abuser is briefly caring or nonviolent.

Why trauma bonding occurs in relationships

Psychologists think trauma bonding develops when the abuser alternates between cruelty and brief periods of kindness, affection, or relief, a pattern known as intermittent reinforcement.

The unpredictable pattern can make the victim hope that if they behave differently or try harder, things may improve and the abuser may hurt them less or show them kindness.

Even in the face of ongoing abuse, the victim may feel loyalty, attachment, or love toward the abuser because the occasional positive moments make the bond feel stronger.

The victim may keep seeking the care they believe the abuser is capable of giving and may hope that love or patience will eventually lead to lasting change and an end to the abuse.

Trauma bonding can also function as a coping mechanism, helping the victim rationalize the abuse and hold on to the belief that the abuser may change.

Types of relationships that develop trauma bonding

Trauma bonding can occur in any type of relationship, including romantic, familial, and professional relationships.

Victims forming emotional attachments to their abusers have been seen in intimate partner abuse, child abuse, hostage situations, organized human smuggling, and religious cults.

It is often a coping reaction to endure constant abuse in the expectation that the abuser will change for the better and the relationship will not fall apart.

The Betrayal Bond

Trauma bonds usually involve an intense, high-stakes relationship in which trust or power is exploited.

Psychiatrist Patrick Carnes developed a comprehensive framework for understanding trauma bonding in his work on betrayal bonds (Carnes, 1997). In The Betrayal Bond, Carnes takes a close look at why these relationships form, who are the most susceptible ones, and how the bond becomes hard to overcome. 

Signs of Trauma Bonding In A Relationship

Some common signs of trauma bonding in a relationship:

1. Emotional turmoil

You may feel constantly on edge, like you’re walking on eggshells, or never know what mood your partner will be in. This can create a lot of anxiety and make it hard to relax. You may feel relieved when things are calm, but that calm may not last long.

2. Difficulty asserting yourself

You may struggle to make decisions or stand up for yourself, and often defer to your partner even when it conflicts with your values or needs. Over time, you may begin to doubt your own judgment. You may also feel afraid that disagreement will lead to conflict or punishment.

3. Difficulty leaving

Even if you’re unhappy, it may feel very hard to end the relationship because of emotional attachment, fear, or hope that things will change. You may keep focusing on the good moments and ignore the harm. Leaving can feel emotionally and practically overwhelming.

4. Rationalizing abuse

You may make excuses for your partner’s harmful behavior or believe they are going through a rough time and will eventually change. This can help you make sense of the situation and reduce distress in the moment. But it can also keep you stuck in the cycle.

5. Social isolation

You may feel cut off from friends and family, especially if your partner discourages contact with people who support you. The less outside support you have, the harder it can be to see the relationship clearly. Isolation can also make you more dependent on the abuser.

6. Low self-esteem

Ongoing criticism or belittling can leave you feeling unworthy, inadequate, or not good enough. You may start to believe the negative things your partner says about you. Over time, this can make it harder to trust yourself or imagine a different life.

Stages of trauma bonding in relationships

There is no established framework for the stages of trauma bonding in a relationship. But some experts suggest that it can involve the following stages:

1. Attraction and idealization (love bombing)

At the beginning of the relationship, the abuser may shower the victim with attention and affection, creating a strong emotional connection.

2. Trust building & co-dependency creation

The abuser may become servile to their intended target to impress them and win their trust. Gradually, they may take away most of their responsibilities to make the other person dependent on them.

3. Manipulation and gaslighting

The abuser may begin to mistreat the victim through verbal abuse, physical abuse, neglect, or other forms of control. The victim may try to rationalize the abuse and believe the abuser will change.

4. Neglect, isolation, and intermittent reward

The abuser may suddenly stop paying attention to the victim, leading the victim to feel abandoned and alone. This may be followed by a return to the “honeymoon” phase, where the abuser again showers the victim with affection.

Victims of narcissistic abuse may feel isolated and alone, as the narcissist may try to control who they see and talk to, or discourage them from spending time with people who could support them. They may also experience low self-esteem or self-worth, as the narcissist may constantly criticize or belittle them.

This may lead to a state of resignation and a loss of self-identity in the victim.

5. Entrapment and attachment

As this cycle repeats over time, the victim may become deeply emotionally attached to the abuser, even in the face of ongoing abuse. They may feel a sense of loyalty or love towards their abuser and have a hard time leaving the relationship.

However, not all relationships involving abuse or neglect will follow this exact pattern, and the stages of trauma bonding may vary from person to person.

Trauma bonding in narcissist relationships

A trauma bond with a narcissist can involve a range of emotions and behaviors.

Narcissistic individuals are characterized by a lack of empathy, an inflated sense of self-importance, and a need for admiration from others.

They may manipulate and exploit others to achieve their own goals, and often have a distorted sense of reality.

In a relationship with a narcissistic partner, the victim may feel a strong emotional attachment to the abuser, even in the face of ongoing abuse or neglect.

The narcissist may alternate between showering the victim with attention and affection and then subjecting them to criticism, manipulation, or abuse.

This cycle can create a strong emotional bond, as the victim may feel a sense of loyalty or love towards the abuser and hope that they will change their behavior.

Final Words

It can be very difficult for the victim to break the trauma bond and leave the abusive relationship. They may feel a deep emotional attachment to the abuser and fear for their own safety or well-being if they try to leave.

If you are in a relationship where you feel like you are being mistreated or abused, seek help from a trusted friend, family member, or professional. There are resources available to help you get out of an abusive or unhealthy relationship and rebuild your life.

√ Also Read: What Happens When A Narcissist Knows You Love Him/Her

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