Today's Sunday • 6 mins read
Confronting someone with narcissistic traits rarely goes the way you expect.
Most people approach these conversations hoping for acknowledgment, an apology, or at least some recognition of the harm caused.
Sadly, what they get instead is a psychological warfare where the rules shift mid-game and the goalposts move every time you think you’ve made progress.
Your confrontation attacks the specific image they build on their self-concept. This often results in narcissistic injury.
7 Things That Happen When You Confront a Narcissist
Narcissists process criticism and accountability very differently from normal people. While most of us feel discomfort when confronted with our mistakes, narcissists see that as something closer to an existential threat.
These are the common ways narcissists respond to being confronted about their mistakes or misdeeds:
1. Denial, The Initial Phase
The first response is almost always flat denial.
Not the “let me think about what you’re saying” kind, but an immediate, categorical rejection of your entire premise.
They’ll tell you it never happened, you’re misremembering, or you’ve completely misunderstood the situation.
This isn’t strategic lying in most cases. Many narcissists genuinely can’t hold two contradictory images of themselves in mind at once, so they reconstruct events to fit their self-narrative.
You’ll notice they don’t address your specific points. Instead, they attack the foundation of your claim.
If you say they insulted you at dinner last week, they’ll question whether you were even at dinner, whether other people heard what you heard, or whether you’re confusing this dinner with another event entirely.
The idea is to make you doubt your own perception before the conversation can progress to the actual issue.
2. Turning of the Tables
Once denial stops working, the script flips. You came to discuss their behavior, but suddenly you’re defending your own.
They’ll bring up times you were late, moments when you said something thoughtless, or instances where you failed to meet their expectations.
These examples often have nothing to do with the current issue, but that’s the point. The conversation is no longer about accountability. Now they want to establish that you’re equally flawed and therefore have no standing to criticize.
This tactic serves two purposes.
- First, it relieves the narcissist of the uncomfortable feeling that comes with being confronted.
- Second, it tests whether you’ll abandon your original point to defend yourself.
Many people do, and the narcissist learns they can redirect any future confrontations the same way.
3. The Victim Narrative
If you persist in your confrontation past the deflection, expect the victim card.
The very person who hurt you will reframe themselves as the one who’s been wronged.
Your narcissist will label the confrontation as evidence of your cruelty, your lack of understanding, or your vindictive nature.
They’ll focus on how your words made them feel, how hard they’ve been trying, or how unfair it is that you’re “attacking” them when they’re already struggling.
This phase is particularly disorienting because it contains some kernels of emotional truth. Yes, being confronted feels bad. Yes, they probably are experiencing distress.
Their manipulation lies in using those real feelings to avoid the original issue.
Your valid complaint gets reframed as you causing them pain, and suddenly, you’re comforting them instead of receiving an apology.
4. Gaslighting Your Reality
Narcissists are masters of gaslighting. They will escalate their gaslighting during confrontations because the stakes are higher.
They’ll tell you that you’re too sensitive, you’re overreacting, or you’re imagining problems that don’t exist.
Your narcissist will cite other people who supposedly agree with them, creating a false consensus that makes you question whether you’re the problem.
The phrasing is often subtle: “I don’t think anyone else would see it that way” or “You’re the only person who’s ever complained about this.”
The psychological impact of gaslighting gets embedded in your mind over many confrontations.
Each time you walk away questioning your own judgment, it becomes harder to trust yourself the next time. That’s not a side effect of gaslighting. That’s the purpose.
5. The Charm Offensive or Rage Response
Narcissists typically have two modes when their other tactics fail: charm or fury.
Some will switch to excessive niceness, agreeing with everything you say, promising to change, and showering you with affection or attention.
This isn’t genuine remorse. It’s a strategy to end the uncomfortable confrontation and return to equilibrium.
The changes they promise rarely materialize because the goal was to placate you, not to actually address the underlying patterns.
Others go the opposite direction. They’ll raise their voice, storm out, give you the silent treatment, or unleash a verbal assault on your character.
Narcissistic rage serves as punishment for daring to challenge them and as insurance against future confrontations. If confronting them means facing their anger, you’ll think twice before doing it again.
6. The Aftermath and Pattern Recognition
The conversation ends, but the consequences continue.
If you maintained your boundary despite their tactics, expect punishment through withdrawal, passive aggression, or a campaign to turn others against you.
They may bring up the confrontation repeatedly, each time recasting themselves as the victim of your unreasonable behavior.
If you backed down or accepted their version of events, they’ve learned your breaking point. Future confrontations will follow the same script because it worked.
The pattern becomes predictable: you build up courage to address an issue, they deploy their standard tactics, and nothing fundamentally changes.
7. Why Traditional Conflict Resolution Fails
Most relationship advice assumes both parties want to resolve the conflict and maintain the relationship.
Narcissists don’t. They often lack one or more of these elements: good faith, mutual respect, or a shared understanding that both people’s feelings matter.
They’re not trying to reach understanding. It’s a zero-sum game for them. They’re trying to win, to protect their self-image, or to maintain control.
This explains why therapy with a narcissist rarely produces lasting change unless they genuinely want to address their patterns.
The therapist’s office becomes another stage for impression management, not a space for genuine self-examination.
They’ll agree with insights that make them look self-aware while dismissing anything that truly challenges their self-concept.
Final Words
Confronting a narcissist teaches you more about them than anything else. Their response tells you they are incapable of the self-reflection that’s needed to repair relationships.
Most people get that answer within the first few minutes of the conversation, though you may take a few confrontations to accept what you see.
So, should you confront narcissistic behavior? Yes. Sometimes you need to speak up for your own self-respect or to set a necessary boundary.
The question is what you’ll do with the information their response gives you. If someone consistently responds to valid concerns with deflection, denial, and attacks on your character, they’re showing you who they are.
Your next move should account for that reality rather than the person you wish they could be.
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√ Also Read: How To Leave A Narcissist, With No Money (And Be Free)
√ Please share this if you found it helpful.
