Today's Saturday • 7 mins read
Confronting someone with narcissistic traits rarely goes the way you expect.
Most people think these conversations will be resolved by the narcissist acknowledging their mistake and offering an apology, or at least some recognition of the harm caused.
Sadly, what the narcissists bring is a psychological game you can never win. They change the rules and the goalposts, leaving you frustrated and confused.
When you confront them, you strike at the grandiose self-image they have built around their self-esteem. And that makes them react in many ways.
7 Things That Happen When You Confront a Narcissist
Narcissists process criticism and accountability very differently from us. Most of us feel discomfort when shown our mistakes, but narcissists see it as something like an existential threat.
These are the common ways narcissists respond to being confronted about their mistakes or misdeeds:
1. Denial, The Initial Phase
Their first response is almost always a flat denial.
Not the “let me think about what you’re saying” kind, but an immediate, categorical rejection of your entire premise.
They’ll tell you it never happened, you’re misremembering, or you’ve completely misunderstood the situation.
This isn’t strategic lying in most cases. Many narcissists genuinely can’t hold two contradictory images of themselves in mind at once, so they reconstruct events to fit their self-narrative.
You notice they don’t address your specific points. Instead, they try to belittle you, point out your past mistakes, or invalidate the very foundation of your claim.
If you say they insulted you at dinner last week, they’ll question whether you were even at dinner, whether other people heard what you heard, or whether you’re confusing this dinner with another event entirely.
The idea is to make you doubt your own perception before the conversation can progress to the actual issue.
2. Turning of the Tables
Once denial stops working, the script flips. You came to discuss their behavior, but suddenly you’re defending your own.
They’ll bring up times you were late, moments when you said something thoughtless, or instances where you failed to meet their expectations.
These examples often have nothing to do with the current issue, but that’s the point. The conversation is no longer about accountability. Now they want to establish that you’re equally flawed and therefore have no standing to criticize.
This tactic serves two purposes.
- First, it relieves the narcissist of the uncomfortable feeling that comes with being confronted.
- Second, it tests whether you’ll abandon your original point to defend yourself.
Many people do, and the narcissist learns they can redirect any future confrontations the same way.
3. The ‘Hurt One’ Narrative
If you persist past their deflection, expect them to pull out their trump card: that they are the hurt party and you always hurt them like this.
The very person who wronged you will reframe themselves as the hurt one. They will tell you that your confrontation is evidence of your cruelty, lack of understanding, and vindictive nature.
They’ll focus on how your words made them feel. That is, how unfairly you treat them while they are already struggling and working hard to adjust.
This phase is particularly disorienting because it carries some kernels of truth. Yes, being confronted feels bad (you would too). Yes, they are feeling distressed (you would too).
But their dark genius lies in blowing up those feelings to bypass the original issue.
Instead of receiving an apology, you are now the one who caused them pain and should apologize.
4. Gaslighting Your Reality
Narcissists are masters of gaslighting. They will escalate their gaslighting during confrontations because the stakes are higher.
They’ll tell you that you’re too sensitive, you’re overreacting, or you’re imagining problems that don’t exist.
Your narcissist will cite other people who supposedly agree with them, creating a false consensus that makes you question whether you’re the problem.
The phrasing is often subtle: “I don’t think anyone else would see it that way” or “You’re the only person who’s ever complained about this.”
The psychological impact of gaslighting gets embedded in your mind over many confrontations.
Each time you walk away questioning your own judgment, it becomes harder to trust yourself the next time. That’s not a side effect of gaslighting. That’s the purpose.
5. The Charm Offensive or Rage Response
Narcissists typically have two modes when their other tactics fail: charm or fury.
Some will switch to excessive niceness, agreeing with everything you say, promising to change, and showering you with affection or attention.
This isn’t genuine remorse. It’s a strategy to end the uncomfortable confrontation and return to equilibrium.
The changes they promise rarely materialize because the goal was to placate you, not to actually address the underlying patterns.
Others go in the opposite direction. They’ll raise their voice, storm out, give you the silent treatment, or unleash a verbal harangue on your character.
Narcissistic rage serves as punishment for daring to challenge them and as insurance against future confrontations. If confronting them means facing their anger, you’ll think twice before doing it again.
6. The Aftermath and Pattern Recognition
The conversation ends, but the consequences continue.
If you maintained your boundary despite their tactics, expect punishment through withdrawal, passive hostile behavior, or a campaign to turn others against you.
They may bring up the confrontation repeatedly, each time recasting themselves as the sufferer of your unreasonable behavior.
If you backed down or accepted their version of events, they’ve learned your breaking point. Future confrontations will follow the same script because it worked.
The pattern becomes predictable: you build up courage to address an issue, they deploy their standard tactics, and nothing fundamentally changes.
7. Why Traditional Dispute Resolution Fails
Most relationship advice assumes both parties want to resolve the dispute and maintain the relationship.
Narcissists don’t. They often lack one or more of these elements: good faith, mutual respect, or a shared understanding that both people’s feelings matter.
They’re not trying to reach understanding. It’s a zero-sum game for them. They’re trying to win, to protect their self-image, or to maintain control.
This explains why therapy with a narcissist rarely produces lasting change unless they genuinely want to address their patterns.
The therapist’s office becomes another stage for impression management, not a space for genuine self-examination.
They’ll agree with insights that make them look self-aware, while dismissing anything that truly challenges their self-concept.
Final Words
Confronting a narcissist teaches you more about them than anything else. Their response tells you they are incapable of the self-reflection that’s needed to repair relationships.
Most people get that answer within the first few minutes of the conversation, though you may take a few confrontations to accept what you see.
So, should you confront narcissistic behavior? Yes, but only after ensuring your safety and having planned how to deal with it if it escalates.
When you stand up for your self-respect or set boundaries with your narcissist, the main question is what you’ll do with what they return.
If they always respond with deflection, denial, or demeaning language, it may be time to consider breaking up with your narcissist.
There’s no use tolerating a relationship where you feel unseen, walk on eggshells, or constantly try to prove your worth.
√ Also Read: How To Leave A Narcissist, With No Money (And Be Free)
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» You deserve happiness! Choosing therapy could be your best decision.
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