How To Practice Self-Compassion (+ Self-Compassion Quiz)

• Modified: Jan 28, 2025 • Read in: 10 mins

— By Dr. Sandip Roy.

What thoughts cross your mind when you make a mistake? Does your inner voice sound like a caring, supportive friend—or like a pestering, harsh critic?

Are you harder on yourself than you would be on a friend?

We are usually tougher on ourselves than we are on others. We think self-criticism motivates us to success. But beating ourselves up often makes an already tough situation even more stressful.

There is a science-backed way to reverse your constant self-negativity: self-compassion.

Self-compassion means being kind to yourself and understanding that everyone struggles at times.

First, take the self-compassion quiz (based on the scientifically validated Self-Compassion Scale developed by Kristin Neff et al., 2009).

Self-Compassion Assessment

Please answer each question honestly, considering how you typically respond to difficult times in your life.

1. I try to be patient and understanding toward aspects of my personality I don’t like.

2. When I’m feeling down, I tend to obsess and fixate on everything that’s wrong.

3. When things are going badly for me, I see the difficulties as part of life that everyone goes through.

4. When I’m feeling down, I try to approach my feelings with curiosity and openness.

5. When I think about my inadequacies, it tends to make me feel more separate and cut off from the rest of the world.

6. I try to be loving toward myself when I’m feeling emotional pain.

7. When I fail at something important to me, I become consumed by feelings of inadequacy.

8. When I’m down and out, I remind myself that there are lots of other people in the world feeling like I am.

9. When something upsets me, I try to keep my emotions in balance.

10. When times are really difficult, I tend to be tough on myself.

11. I try to see my failings as part of the human condition.

12. I’m kind to myself when I’m experiencing suffering.

Your Self-Compassion Score

Some people are naturally self-compassionate, but those who aren’t can learn this skill.

How To Practice Self-Compassion

Here are 4 ways to treat yourself with kindness and concern, especially when going through a challenging time:

1. Take A Self-Compassion Break.

A self-compassion break just takes 5–7 minutes.

It has 3 steps: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness.

Mindfulness: This helps you focus on your experience without judgment.
- Begin by recognizing the stress or emotional discomfort you’re feeling. Pay attention to how it manifests in your body or mind: is it a tension, frustration, or sadness?
- Acknowledge the moment with a simple, validating phrase like: “This is a moment of suffering” or “This hurts.”
- Mindfulness involves naming your emotions and being fully present, rather than avoiding or over-identifying with them.
Common Humanity: This builds connection and reduces feelings of isolation.
- What you’re feeling is part of being human. Everyone experiences pain, challenges, faults, mistakes, setbacks, and negative feedback. Remind yourself, “Many others have felt this pain too. We’re all in this together.”
- Normalize challenges by telling yourself: “Everyone struggles at times. This is part of being human,” or “I’m not alone in feeling this way. Others have faced similar challenges.”
- Reframe the self-pitying “Why me?” into curiosity: “What can I learn from this experience?” or “How might this help me grow or connect with others?”
Self-Kindness: This lets you give yourself permission to be imperfect at times.
- Show yourself the same compassion and understanding you’d offer to a friend in distress. Replace the self-critical voice with gentle encouragement and patience.
- Use a supportive inner dialogue, such as: “I’m doing the best I can, and it’s okay to feel this way.”

3 elements of Self-compassion — 3 Parts of Self-compassion

2. Give Yourself Some Supportive Touch.

This is an even quicker way to be self-compassionate: give yourself some supportive touch.

Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and embrace yourself with a warm, squeezing hug.

Even better, as you wrap your arms around yourself, and whisper, “May I be kind to myself. May I find strength within.”

Deep breathing activates your vagus nerve, which reduces your heart rate and decreases your cortisol (“stress hormone”) level. Physical touch like a self-hug triggers the release of oxytocin (“love hormone”).

Another way to give yourself supportive touch: Give your shoulders and lower back a gentle rub, relieving tension and promoting relaxation.

3. Write Yourself A Self-compassion Letter.

To write a self-compassion letter:

Identify the Issue: Focus on what’s troubling you. Write it down, letting your emotions out.
Imagine An Unconditional Friend: Now, imagine a friend who loves you unconditionally. Write a letter to yourself like you would write to this friend who is struggling.
Secure and Reflect: Finally, put the letter away. Bring it out and read it again after a few days. You’ll be surprised at how this can cultivate self-compassion within you.

A sample self-compassion letter:

Hey [Your Name],
Just a friendly reminder that you are my best friend.
I’ve seen how you’ve always been there for others, offering your unwavering support and understanding. Now, it’s time to turn that kindness inwards, to yourself.
Let’s get one thing straight – nobody’s perfect, not even you. And that’s okay. Mistakes happen; it’s part of being human. So, no more beating yourself up. You’ve got me on your side.
You have a list of achievements to your name. And you’ve done many wonderful things for others without a second thought – take pride in that.
Let’s tackle this challenge together. I’m here to cheer you on, one step at a time. Focus on the next step, not the entire journey ahead.
How about treating yourself? Go catch that new movie, take a solo adventure, or have a spa day.
Just so you know, I’m your biggest fan and your most devoted supporter. You’ll always have my love and encouragement, even when no one else is around.
With love and unwavering belief in you,
– [Your Name]

See more on how to write self-compassion letters.

4. Treat Yourself As You Would Treat Your Friend.

Self-compassion is essentially extending the same kindness to yourself that you offer to your dearest friend or loved one.

Here’s how to do it:

Recall Joyful Moments: Reflect on the times when you’ve taken your friend to a place that filled them with joy and excitement. Now, imagine if you have taken yourself to visit that same place and savor the happiness it brings.
Write It Out: Grab a piece of paper and jot down what you would say and do for a close friend who’s going through a tough time. Then, compare it to how you treated yourself the last time you made a mistake. Take note of the differences in your responses.
Imagine a Better Approach: Next, envision how things would improve if you treated yourself with the same compassion and support you gave to a close friend. Just embrace the idea that it’s perfectly okay to be human, make mistakes, and be imperfect. Making those occasional, even deliberate, mistakes is a gentle reminder that you’re not alone in your imperfection.
Watch Your Self-Talk: Be watchful about your self-talk. If the words you say to yourself aren’t something you would utter to a friend in bad times, reconsider them. Choose kindness and understanding, just as you would for a dear friend.

Benefits of self-compassion

Why practice self-compassion? Because self-compassion opens the door to self-love and self-empathy. It helps us realize we are not perfect, and so, we must be kind to ourselves when facing life’s challenges.

Neff, Rude, and Kirkpatrick (2006) found that self-compassion has positive associations with happiness, optimism, positive affect (mood), wisdom, personal initiative, curiosity and exploration, agreeableness, extroversion, and conscientiousness.

Self-compassionate people are mindful, highly conscientious, and intrinsically motivated.
They are less fearful of failures, and more resilient, cheerful, curious, and optimistic.
They can handle difficult emotions with greater ease.

Mindful Self-compassion

Mindful self-compassion (MSC) is a new approach to deal with anxiety, stress, and depression, based on Buddhist philosophy. According to the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion, MSC is “an evidence-based approach to cultivating self-kindness and compassion for oneself in difficult situations.” It helps cultivate a loving-kindness attitude toward self.

Final Words

Let’s close this with a beautiful insight from the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion:

Self-compassion is a practice of goodwill, not good feelings.
With self-compassion, we mindfully accept that the moment is painful, and embrace ourselves with kindness and care in response.
This allows us to hold ourselves in love and connection, giving ourselves the support and comfort needed to bear the pain.

√ Also Read: How To Forgive Yourself For Hurting Someone Unintentionally

√ Please share it with someone if you found this helpful.