Today's Wednesday • 15 mins read
Many of us think loneliness only affects those who live alone, but it can affect anyone, whether they are by themselves, with loved ones, with family, or in a crowd.
The holiday season can be especially tough for those who live alone. This is often when feelings of loneliness become stronger, as they see images of togetherness on social media and in their neighborhoods.
These books can help you view your loneliness as a strength and find ways to cope with the holiday blues when you’re alone.
In the end, the most helpful book will probably be the one that connects with your personal experience of loneliness. I believe one of the books on this list can do that.
1. “Solitude: A Return To The Self” – Anthony Storr
- Amazon link: “Solitude: A Return To The Self” – Anthony Storr
Anthony Storr’s book, “Solitude: A Return to the Self,” presents some surprising benefits of being alone. His ideas can shift how you think about solitude, showing you how to appreciate time by yourself and use it for personal discovery and growth.
First published in 1988, the book redefines solitude as a tool for personal growth and self-discovery. The 13th chapter, “Getting It Right,” can be especially helpful if you are struggling with loneliness, with its step-by-step guide.
Storr challenges the notion that relationships can be the only source of human happiness, proposing that solitude and isolation can be just as important. He says time spent alone can allow us to be more creative, innovative, productive, and happy.
He introduces us to the lives of some world-famous artists, writers, and thinkers like Beethoven, Kant, and Kipling, who used solitude to produce some of humanity’s greatest works.
Two quotes from the book:
- “The capacity to be alone is a valuable resource when changes of mental attitude are required. It is a source of energy and strength which enables us to undertake difficult tasks.”
- “The creative individual is more likely to be found in solitude than in groups.”
Loneliness is different from solitude. Loneliness is a sad and stressful feeling of being left out, whereas solitude is a chosen, peaceful state of being alone.
- Loneliness = involuntary, painful, external judgment (you’re excluded).
- Solitude = voluntary, peaceful, internal choice (you choose it).
2. “Loneliness” – John T. Cacioppo
- Amazon link: “Loneliness” – John T. Cacioppo
Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Connection is a vital book on the science of loneliness and its impact on our physical and mental health.
John T. Cacioppo is a professor of psychology at the University of Chicago. This book documents his life’s work on loneliness. The book is part of his legacy.
Cacioppo’s research shows that loneliness is not just a subjective experience, but rather a biological and social phenomenon.
Social Effects of Loneliness:
- Evolutionary Need: We evolved as social creatures. Loneliness is a signal that our evolutionary need for social connections is not being met.
- Social Comparison: We constantly compare ourselves to others. If we perceive that our relationships are less than those of others, we may feel lonely even if we have enough social connections.
- Social Isolation: While loneliness is a personal feeling, physical and emotional distance from others (social isolation) can increase the likelihood of feeling lonely.
- Cultural Factors: Some cultures champion individual achievement (as seen in this popular adage, “You’re all you’ve got”), which can sometimes lead to feelings of isolation.
Biological Effects of Loneliness:
- Neurochemistry: When we feel lonely, our brains react similarly to how they do when we experience physical pain. The same regions of the brain light up.
- Hormonal Changes: Loneliness can lead to changes in hormone levels, such as increased cortisol (the stress hormone) and decreased levels of oxytocin, which is associated with bonding and social connection.
- Immune System: Chronic loneliness can weaken the immune system, making lonely people have higher levels of inflammation and more susceptible to illness, disease, and severe health outcomes.
Loneliness has been found to have health effects comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day.
Thankfully, the book also offers practical guidance on how to deal with loneliness:
- The best way to handle loneliness is to build meaningful social connections.
- The lonely person can explore and reframe their fears about social situations.
- Set goals for social outreach and meeting people, like joining groups and volunteering.
- The focus should be on building a few high-quality relationships, not having many friends.
Cacioppo says humans need real people in front of them: talking, laughing, sharing, and learning from each other. We need to see their faces, feel their emotions, read their body language, and feel their touch.
Here are two quotes from the book:
- “Real relief from loneliness requires the cooperation of at least one other person, and yet the more chronic our loneliness becomes, the less equipped we may be to entice such cooperation.”
- “The data tell us that loneliness seriously accelerates age-related declines in health and well-being, yet the idea of promoting connection is rarely discussed alongside the heated issues of the cost of pharmaceuticals and other medical interventions necessary to deal with an increasingly lonely, isolated, and aging population.”
Daniel Gilbert, the author of “Stumbling on Happiness,” says, “This book is one of the most important books about the human condition to appear in a decade.”
3. “The Loneliness Companion” – Shrein H. Bahrami
- Amazon link: “The Loneliness Companion” – Shrein H. Bahrami
The Loneliness Companion is a practical guide for anyone struggling with loneliness.
Shrein H. Bahrami, a marriage and family therapist in San Francisco, shares how a lonesome person may improve their self-esteem, find comfort in oneself, and cope with feelings of alienation and isolation.
She shares how the lonely person may heal their past, feel worthy of platonic and romantic love, and embrace solitude while avoiding self-isolation.
And how to build healthy relationships and find comfort communities in our hyper-connected but hyper-isolated modern world.
- The book is easy to read and understand.
- The exercises are practical and actionable, providing real solutions.
- The author’s personal experiences make the book relatable and engaging.
Here are two quotes from the book:
- “Loneliness is not a disease, but it can be a symptom of something deeper going on within us. It can be a sign that we need to take a closer look at our lives and make some changes.”
- “The key to overcoming loneliness is to learn to love and accept ourselves for who we are, flaws and all. When we can do that, we open ourselves up to the possibility of deeper connections with others.”
4. “Whereabouts” – Jhumpa Lahiri
- Amazon link: “Whereabouts” – Jhumpa Lahiri
This is a collection of stories by the Pulitzer Prize-winning author Jhumpa Lahiri.
“Whereabouts” portrays the daily wanderings and inner workings of a solitary, unnamed woman in her mid-40s working as a teacher, who lives alone in an unnamed Italian city.
The narrator is a complex and introspective character. She is deeply aware of her solitude, but she also finds solace in her own company. Observant and thoughtful, she reflects on the world around her in a stunningly insightful way.
Written in 46 short vignettes, each captures a moment in her life, exploring urban solitude, alienation, loneliness, and growing old. The reader feels the narrator’s melancholic sense of nostalgia.
One of the pensive moments is when she eats alone in a restaurant with other people also eating alone, with no one exchanging words. She looks at the swimming pool and observes,
“the water in the pool isn’t so clear after all. It reeks of grief, of heartache. It’s contaminated (…). It burrows into my soul; it wedges itself into every nook of my body.”
Lahiri’s prose is a beautiful and evocative ode to an ordinary life. She captures the city’s atmosphere with precision and artistry. The novel is rich in sensual details, from the taste of morning coffee to the scent of the rain.
It is a novel about the human condition of solitude, alienation, and the search for identity in an alien city. The book offers a stylish and therapeutic release, and it is a beautiful novel by Lahiri.
Whereabouts stays with you long after you have finished reading it.
5. “On Love and Loneliness” – Jiddu Krishnamurti
- Amazon link: “On Love and Loneliness” – Jiddu Krishnamurti
Jiddu Krishnamurti’s “On Love and Loneliness” is a deep look into human philosophy. He argues that our true relationships can only occur when we understand what separates and isolates us, focusing away from our self-centered selves.
“Loneliness comes when all our days are spent in self-centeredness. The very activity of self-centeredness is producing loneliness. Because it is narrowing my whole, or the vast extraordinary existence of life, into a small little me.”
He invites readers to look within and pay attention to their own possessiveness, jealousy, desires, and insecurities, to free themselves from the unconscious disputes these create.
Surprisingly, Krishnamurti argues that love and loneliness cannot coexist. He says when there is a feeling of loneliness, love is not present, and vice versa.
He points out that people often confuse the artifacts of love with love itself, mistaking actions such as hugging, kissing, and holding hands for love.
He suggests love is an active, living process, and says, “Love is something totally new every day, but pleasure is not, pleasure has continuity. Love is always new, and therefore it is its own eternity.”
Overall, the book offers a compelling case for investigating our intimate relationships with ourselves, others, and society, stripping away the layers of conditioning and socialization.
6. “Uninvited” – Lysa TerKeurst
- Amazon link: “Uninvited” – Lysa TerKeurst
Lysa TerKeurst’s Uninvited explores rejection and abandonment, and the resulting loneliness, from a Christian living point of view.
The author shares her own rejection and loneliness, offering readers comfort and inspiration, and helping them face the fight and bounce back.
The book is well-written and engaging, making it easy to read and understand. The author speaks directly to the reader. This makes the book like listening to someone and helps readers feel less alone.
The book is inspiring, offering helpful insights on how to deal with rejection and loneliness, encouraging the reader to see themselves as loved and valuable.
- “Honesty isn’t trying to hurt me, it’s trying to heal me.”
- “The mind feasts on what it focuses on.”
The downside to Uninvited is that some readers may find the religious and God-focused aspect of the book too heavy-handed, while others may not relate to the stories in the book.
7. Together – Vivek H. Murthy, MD
- Amazon link: “Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection In A Sometimes Lonely World” – Vivek H. Murthy
Dr. Vivek H. Murthy, the 19th and 21st Surgeon General of the United States, brings us a book about the epidemic of loneliness and how it affects our health, and how we can heal our social world.
He shares how loneliness has assumed epidemic proportions, with nearly half of all grown-ups in the United States reporting feeling lonely at some point within the past year.
Dr. Murthy says loneliness and isolation are serious threats to our health and well-being. But we can solve this by taking small steps to strengthen our social connections. The resulting sense of belonging can lead to better physical and mental health, lower risks of aggression and illegal activities, increased resilience to stress and adversity, and a greater sense of purpose and meaning in life.
Dr. Murthy has generously added a last-minute “Author’s Note” to the book literally minutes before its release, with four recommendations addressing the social strains of loneliness we are experiencing:
- Spend time each day with those you love, at least 15 minutes.
- Help and be helped. Give and receive service to strengthen our social bonds.
- Focus on each other and give one another undivided attention. No multitasking.
- Embrace solitude. Connecting with yourself is a prerequisite for connecting with others.
Two quotes from “Together”:
“To be at home is to be known. It is to be loved for who you are. It is to share a sense of common ground, common interests, pursuits, and values with others who truly care about you. In community after community, I met lonely people who felt homeless even though they had a roof over their heads.”
“While loneliness engenders despair and ever more isolation, togetherness raises optimism and creativity. When people feel they belong to one another, their lives are stronger, richer, and more joyful.”
Bonus Recommendations
Each of these books are a powerful write-up on loneliness:
• “The Art of Stillness: Adventures in Going Nowhere” – Pico Iyer
Iyer says solitude is a state of being in which we are fully present with ourselves, not simply the absence of other people. If we learn to manage it well, solitude can be a time for reflection, creativity, and spiritual growth.
Iyer’s tips to cultivate the art of solitude:
- Find time for solitude each day, even for a few minutes.
- Create a space where you can be alone and undisturbed.
- Gently allow yourself to experience the emotions that accompany loneliness.
- Do things that help you to focus on the present moment, such as meditation, yoga, or time in nature.
• “A Biography of Loneliness” – Fay Bound Alberti
- Amazon link: “A Biography of Loneliness” – Fay Bound Alberti
Alberti, a historian of emotions, argues that loneliness is not a universal or timeless emotion, but rather a product of history and culture. She says that loneliness emerged in the 18th century because of the Industrial Revolution, which led to the growth of cities and broke up traditional communities.
Here are some key takeaways from the book:
- Loneliness emerged as a distinct emotion with the rise of individualism and the decline of traditional social structures.
- Loneliness has been used to justify both social exclusion and social reform.
- Loneliness has been both stigmatized and idealized throughout history.
• “The Vanishing Neighbor” – Marc J. Dunkelman
- Amazon link: “The Vanishing Neighbor” – Marc J. Dunkelman
Marc Dunkelman says that American neighborhoods are less connected now than they used to be.
Traditional neighborhoods had the “middle ring,” the people outside family and friends who gave us a sense of belonging, helped us build social capital, and fostered a strong sense of community.
Dunkelman says that the technological revolution has made it easier to connect with people from all over the world, but harder to connect with people who live next door. Suburbanization has worsened this by creating more isolated communities.
Dunkelman calls on us to find ways to rebuild the middle ring. He suggests we take on more roles in neighborhood gatherings, volunteer, and make efforts to get to know the people who live around us.
• “A Christmas Carol” – Charles Dickens
Amazon link: “A Christmas Carol” – Charles Dickens
Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol is a powerful story about loneliness, love, and redemption, cherished by readers of all ages for over 150 years.
It is the story of Ebenezer Scrooge, a miserly old man. He is visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve, who show him his past, present, and future. Scrooge realizes that it’s never too late to change and share his heart with others, despite his mistakes.
Scrooge is an anti-hero who, driven by greed and selfishness, lives a lonely, unhappy life. His turn from miser to philanthropist is one of the most satisfying character arcs in all literature.
The story is full of heartwarming and humorous moments.
Psychology of Loneliness
- Psychologists consider loneliness to be a stable trait. That is, people who feel lonely keep feeling lonely for most of their lives, except for some slight changes during different life circumstances.
- A 2006 report by the American Sociological Review found that 25% of the people felt they had no close friends in whom they could confide. This figure was double that of a 1985 report.
- Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is the most effective treatment for loneliness.
Final Words
Some facts about loneliness:
- Loneliness can create a feeling that no one needs you or cares about you, and that you have no one to turn to when you need help. At its core, loneliness points to the lack of meaningfulness in your social connections.
- A lonely person feels that the people and connections they have in their life are not what they truly want. This gap between their real and desired connections may be real or perceived.
- Loneliness is not a fear, but it can lead to feelings of anxiety, discomfort, and fear, especially for those who have a fear of being alone (autophobia).
- Lonely people often hesitate to discuss their loneliness with others, thinking they might be labeled as “weak” or “negative-vibe” people. This can make them engage in self-criticism and self-blame.
√ Also Read: Are You Lonely In A Relationship?
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