Today's Saturday • 7 mins read
Have you ever confronted someone about their harmful behavior only to come away feeling like the villain? This twist often stems from DARVO, a tactic coined by psychologist Jennifer Freyd in 1997.
DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
Freyd identified it in her research on how perpetrators of intimate violence pass on accountability to the victim.
Today, it has been found to occur in many power-imbalanced relationships. Narcissists often use it as a psychological defense to avoid responsibility.
DARVO may seem like a heated argument or emotional overreaction. But underneath is a series of moves designed to confuse the victim, shift blame, and protect the offender’s ‘holier-than-thou’ image.
How DARVO Works
DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. This is how the tactic unfolds.
1. Deny
Picture this. You confront a narcissistic partner about their cutting remarks, and they insist it never occurred. The flat denial comes as a shock, clashing with your sense of reality.
This step is their first line of defense.
They do this by using phrases like “You’re imagining things” or “That never happened.” Or the more common, “You misconstrued,” or “I was just joking; why so serious?”
Denial forces you to second-guess your memory. You are taken aback, wondering, “Was I mistaken?”
Their aim is clear. To erode your confidence in what you saw happen. Over time, you start doubting your perception of right and wrong.
2. Attack
Once denial isn’t enough, they shift into attack mode.
Attack is the pivot to shift the focus away from them.
They can use subtle jabs, sharp criticism, or bring up past faults of yours. You hear things like “You always overreact,” “You always twist everything,” or “The real issue is you.”
These barbs distract you from their actions. The deeper idea is to make you feel small and guilty.
Suddenly, you are on the defensive. You’re shouting things like, “No, I’m not overreacting,” “No, I’m not twisting things,” and “No, the real issue is you, not me.”
The original issue of holding them accountable has moved into the background. As you’re “losing your mind,” they resume control.
3. Reverse Victim and Offender
The final move flips the entire script. The narcissist positions themselves as the injured party. And paint you as the aggressor.
Statements like these pour in: “How dare you accuse me when you’ve been worse,” or “After all I’ve sacrificed, this is my thanks?”
It’s a calculated reversal. It’s designed to confuse you and silence your voice.
This stage isolates you further. Friends or family might even side with the narcissist. The emotional toll builds, reinforcing their power.
Why Narcissists Use DARVO
Narcissists cling to a polished image of themselves. They can use many unfair ways to keep this carefully crafted, perfect image. DARVO is one of those ways to shield this image from any dents.
Control and superiority form the core of a narcissist’s world. They fear losing those.
They fear that admitting fault will shatter the illusion of flawlessness they spent years cultivating. And once their admirers discover their flaws, they will withdraw their approval.
The narcissist’s lack of empathy also plays a role. They may not even recognize the hurts their actions cause. So, when confronted, they view it as a personal affront.
DARVO is their survival reflex. It preserves their ego, entitlement, and self-importance.
Psychological Effects of DARVO On Victims
DARVO can feel like an emotional whiplash, putting you in a confused daze.
- You went to your narcissist seeking clarity and resolution, but you left feeling like a guilty party. The reversal stings deeply.
- Over repeated encounters, self-doubt creeps in. Then guilt turns into anxiety and shame. Your grip on reality loosens.
- DARVO also heightens your vulnerability. You start to apologize before sharing even your simplest opinions or ideas.
- Long-term, it erodes trust in your own instincts. You minimize your presence, making yourself invisible and unheard to avoid being labeled as the offender again.
Persistent exposure to DARVO can raise the risk of depression, as ongoing invalidation wears down self-worth, according to insights from trauma psychology. It may also trigger PTSD-like symptoms, such as hypervigilance or flashbacks to abusive moments, mirroring patterns seen in emotional abuse research.
Recognizing DARVO in Real Life
DARVO isn’t limited to close relationships. It can show up in families, offices, courtrooms, and online spaces.
Stay aware and notice the pattern:
- You express hurt → they accuse you of hurting them.
- You try to leave → they claim you’re abandoning or abusing them.
- You bring up something they did → they accuse you of overreacting.
Take special note of the intensity or contempt in their voice or gestures. Overreactions to mild feedback stand out. Intensity often escalates quickly.
Some examples of DARVO in real life:
- A friend might deny borrowing money without repaying it, then attack your memory as unreliable, and finally claim you’re the selfish one for bringing it up.
- In the workplace, a boss could deny missing a deadline they caused, lash out by calling you incompetent, and reverse by saying your complaints are sabotaging team morale.
- Public figures often use it in scandals, like denying allegations in interviews, attacking the accuser’s credibility, and portraying themselves as victims of a smear campaign.
- Even in family settings, a parent might deny harsh criticism, counter by blaming your sensitivity, and flip to say they’re the ones suffering from ungrateful children.
Track these red flags. Journal interactions for clarity. Sharing with trusted others reveals the tactic’s hold.
How To Protect Yourself From A DARVO
Spotting DARVO mid-conversation breaks its grip. Without awareness, you may get pulled into the spin cycle of guilt, confusion, and self-blame.
These are some ways to handle DARVO:
- Stay grounded in your truth: it’s not your fault.
- Don’t apologize for the mistakes of your narcissist.
- See getting attacked for setting your boundaries as a red flag.
- You have the right to your feelings and experiences; no one can say that your experiences are wrong.
- Use the “gray rock” method by responding with minimal emotion or detail to starve them of reaction fuel.
- Leave the scene as soon as the manipulation intensifies; this is when your narcissist senses a loss of control and is likely to explode.
Build support networks to help validate your experiences. Therapy can help you see new ways to rebuild confidence. Consider apps like Day One or Journey for journaling and tracking abusive incidents, to build evidence for support.
If DARVO is a recurring pattern in your relationship, consult a therapist to find out why you keep getting drawn into such relationships.
Final Words
DARVO is a toxic blend of denial, blame-shifting, and emotional gaslighting.
DARVO is a toxic blend of denial, blame-shifting, and emotional gaslighting.
It’s not always easy to spot DARVO as it happens, especially when it’s coming from someone you love, respect, or depend on. But once you name the pattern, you take away some of its power.
Reflect on your own relationships today. If DARVO rings true, reach out to a trusted friend or professional for perspective. Sharing your story safely can be the first step toward breaking free.
√ Also Read: How To Respond To A Narcissist’s Irrational Anger?
√ Please share this with someone.
» You deserve happiness! Choosing therapy could be your best decision.
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