How To Forgive A Cheating Spouse, And Move On

✅ Today's Saturday • 📖 13 mins read

— By Dr. Sandip Roy.

Relationships have many little white lies. The worst betrayal, however, is lying after infidelity, whether physical or emotional.

• 20% of married men and 13% of married women report having had extramarital relations while married (General Social Survey, ongoing).
• Infidelity significantly raises the risk of divorce, but 60% to 75% of couples stay together after discovering an affair (American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, 2012).
• Nearly 46% of unfaithful partners and 36% of betrayed partners believed their relationship ultimately improved after working through the affair (Nickerson et al., 2023).

Cheating can have a devastating effect on relationships. However, it is not always an automatic sign that the relationship is over. Time, effort, and renewed promises can help couples move past infidelity and rebuild their trust.

How To Forgive A Spouse Who Cheated On You

There is no “one size fits all” for forgiving a cheating partner.

Some couples choose not to ever talk about the incident. Others may cheat as retaliation, start behaving harshly, or become emotionally neglectful. Still others may prepare for a breakup or divorce.

Here are some helpful tips to forgive your cheating partner:

1. Decide whether to forgive the cheating partner

We have all been on the receiving end of a trust-breaking event sometime in our lives.

And you may have heard that forgiveness is the key to healing. But is forgiving the person you’re cheating on the right thing to do?

Or is there a healthier way of solving the issue, like breaking off for good if the offending partner is a narcissist or gaslighter?

For some, it’s a one-off stray. You know they will work hard to revive the relationship. So it’s easier to extend an amnesty.

Some are serial cheaters. Forgiving them and inviting them back into your life changes nothing. They would cheat again, only this time, they would be more careful.

Sometimes people break off after a partner cheats but choose to stay friends. Then, after years of staying connected, they might decide to re-partner again. So, after deciding not to forgive, they finally forgive.

Forgiveness after infidelity can come late, and reconciliation may come even later. And finding the loose ends of a lost trust may take even longer.

2. Ask your partner why they cheated on you

If you discover they have cheated on you, you may spend days wondering why they cheated at all.

So, why do some people cheat on their partners and spouses? Is it the thrill of the chase? Does it stem from an inability to cope with life’s pressures? Was it a mere indiscretion? What was missing in the relationship?

• Some common reasons are a simple desire to have physical intimacy, do more of it, or explore an exciting take on it. Perhaps it was a safe opportunity or an unmet physical or emotional need.
• Some odd reasons could be a challenge to test their desirability, probing the durability and strength of the relationship, or having a revenge affair after their partner’s cheating, whether imagined or real.
• Usually, women tend to cheat for emotional reasons, like falling into romantic love or finding an intense connection. Whereas men tend to cheat more for physical reasons, like boredom in their intimate lives or finding someone way more attractive.
• According to Sophie Miura in Bride magazine, there are four main traits that make someone more likely to cheat, namely: they’re low on agreeableness and conscientiousness, their lives are not interwoven, they see their differences as flaws, and they have become narcissistic.

Whatever might play on your mind, the best way is to set aside your guesses and get them to say it for the record.

3. Rebuild trust after your partner cheats on you

Often, the trouble starts with some sort of breakdown in communication. For a long time, you didn’t ask if there was anything wrong, and they didn’t tell you if anything was bothering them.

That’s the cue to rebuild trust in a relationship.

You talked less. So now, talk more. Take active steps to fill the gaps and exchange more information about each other’s feelings and thoughts.

If they have cheated on you and then left you or even ghosted you for a while, you may have a few questions buzzing through your head:

• How should you act in front of your partner, so they don’t see your frustration or vulnerability?
• What can you do to get them back in your life without appearing too desperate?
• How could you have known beforehand he/she was an unfaithful person?
• How can you give it another try and rebuild trust with your partner?

Now, you may have heard a good deal of advice from friends, but you may not know which way to go for rebuilding trust with your partner.

One effective way is to spend more time doing activities together, like redoing your living quarters or going on outdoor adventures. Find out some other ways to rebuild trust.

4. Get them to assure you they won’t cheat again

The greater onus to build a stronger relationship falls on the person who cheated. But a simple promise rarely stops cheating long-term.

Without root fixes, assurances not to cheat again often fail.

Relationship imbalances, like one partner feeling unheard, raise infidelity odds far more than time spent listening. A study in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that power disparities predict betrayal in couples.​

The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy suggests focusing on therapy instead. Their data found 60-75% of couples rebuild successfully post-affair through honest work (AAMFT, 2012).

Get it in writing that they will cut off the affair partner and clarify future intentions. They may have been wonderful before, but trust demands proof.

5. Agree on precisely what to do if they cheat again

When your trust is violated, you get hurt twice. First, it feels like you lost your entire investment in the relationship. Second, you do not understand how to trust them again.

You even wonder if you could ever trust people in any of your other and future relationships.

One of the most common reasons couples cheat is due to one person wanting to end the relationship. They have been wanting it for some time, but could not bring themselves to announce their intention.

So this infidelity was their way of breaking loose from the relationship by getting caught.

Whatever the case, get them on record, spelling out clearly what treatment they expect if you catch them again.

Let them know if they behave defensively and try to justify their betrayal of trust, you will end the relationship.

6. How to ask for a breakup or a separation

Breaking up is a tricky act; you have to sail through a storm of emotions and reactions. Break-up advice can come from your family, friends, and even strangers on news media.

There is no one right way to do it, or the right person to do it with. Here are some observations to guide you:

• Breaking off and going on a rebound affair is almost always the wrong path. It gives you an ego boost but also comes with its own set of compromises and oversights. In time, you’ll likely regret it.
• First, deal with the leftover emotions from the previous one. Settle the question of what did you expect from the relationship. Analyze how much you received of what you wanted.
• What lessons did you take from it all? Do you really want to walk out of the relationship for good, or do you want some time off? How would you go about losing a significant other?
• If they changed drastically after being found out and admitting their mistake, ask them point-blank if they want to leave the relationship. Allow them a few days to think it over, but get a definite answer from them.

Then, get ready to sit down and discuss a breakup.

The difficult thing about breaking up is how to go about it, especially if you believe your partner is the soulmate you’ve been looking for all your life.

Breakups can cause hopelessness, helplessness, emptiness, mutual depression, prolonged distress, or adjustment disorder.

Often, instead of talking about ending the relationship, one turns their partner into a villain. They behave erratically and keep justifying their irrational acts as being prodded on by their partner. They might even resort to stonewalling or show passive hostile behavior.

It is usually better to consult a relationship expert rather than trying on your own to end a long-term affair or mend one already fraying on the edges.

Before You Got Cheated Upon

We think couples are happy if they look happy together. However, many of them are surviving rather than thriving in their relationships.

Surprisingly, they do not ask each other whether they are thriving or barely surviving. That’s how they miss the early signs of the need to cheat.

Cheating is never the right excuse to deal with an unhappy relationship.

The best solution is to talk things over or see a relationship therapist together. If things don’t work out, consider ending the relationship.

Why People Cheat

According to LA Intelligence, 74% of men and 68% of women say they would cheat if they were sure they would never get caught. But why do people cheat?

Reasons People Cheat on Their Partners

• False Justification: Most cheaters justify their behavior by blaming their partners for not meeting their emotional, physical, or intellectual needs. Many justify their “right to be happy,” even if it involves seeking happiness outside the relationship.
• Opportunity: People are likely to cheat because they find the opportunity. Coworkers often cheat while they are traveling for work or spending time away for business reasons.
• Boredom: Some people admit to cheating because there was no spark in their relationship, so they went looking for someone new and exciting. This is more likely in long-term relationships.
• Emotional distance: Emotional distance can make couples more likely to cheat. This can happen whether they are not spending enough time together or not sharing their feelings and thoughts.
• Lack of communication: When couples do not communicate effectively or enough, they can feel disconnected and unfulfilled. This can lead them to seek attention and affection from someone else.
• Intimacy-related dissatisfaction: If one or both partners are unsatisfied with the intimacy aspect of their relationship, they may be more likely to cheat. This can stem from different desires, a lack of communication, or incompatibility.
• Modern reasons: In modern times, it is no longer entirely taboo to get a partner’s consent before seeking attention and affection from someone else. Another modern reason for infidelity is the rise of internet-based “infidelity” services like Gleeden and AshleyMadison.
• Emotional infidelity is also a form of cheating that involves seeking emotional support from someone not your partner. It is common, with 30% of long-term couples experiencing it.

How To Prevent Cheating

Cheating is a betrayal of trust, and it can be very painful. Here are some ways to prevent that:

• Communicate openly and honestly with your partner about your needs and wants.
• Be honest and upfront with yourself about your feelings and desires.
• Make time for each other. Ask what can nurture your relationship.
• Set moral and physical boundaries for yourself and stick to them.
• Seek professional help if you are struggling to stay faithful.

Whether it’s one-time infidelity or habitual cheating, the two truths you must face and accept are:

1. There would be reasons they cheated on you.
2. You may not be the only one they cheated on.

The next issue comes with deciding the course of action. There are three main options here:

1. How to get back at your cheating partner?
2. How to get over your cheating partner?
3. How to forgive your cheating partner?

Between Cheating And Forgiving

1. The Cheater’s Perspective

Cheaters often keep their feelings bottled up for a long time before they actually cheat. They may be feeling angry, resentful, or suffocated in the relationship. It is important to address these dark emotions before attempting to resolve the issue.

2. The Affected One’s Perspective

It is natural to feel angry, resentful, and betrayed after being cheated on. However, try not to get caught up in these emotions for too long. Holding on to anger and hatred will only hurt you in the end.

Even when it turns out to be a stupid mistake, it can be hard to believe that “they” could cheat on you. It hurts to be betrayed, and you may never fully get over it.

The worst part is that it’s even harder to forgive your partner when you still love them.

2. The Forgiver’s Perspective

Forgiveness means that we release our suffering over difficult situations; it does not mean we have to put ourselves back into hurtful situations. Forgiveness means that even though what happened is not okay, you can move on.

Forgiveness is hard. However, it gets easier when you realize that every forgiveness is for your own sake first, not for the offender.

Without forgiveness, you carry the grudge like a hot coal in your hand. With forgiveness, you release that burning coal and move on toward living a happy life.

The Cheater Who Doesn’t Deserve Your Forgiveness

Some cheaters cannot be forgiven because they show these signs:

• They are abusive or controlling.
• They blame you for their cheating.
• They show no remorse for their actions.
• They continue to cheat, even after being caught.
• They gaslight you or try to make you believe that you are crazy.

If you feel that you cannot forgive a cheater, it is okay; you do not have to forgive them.

Just reframe the process of forgiving as removing them from your mind space. This makes it easier to let go and focus on your happier future.

How To Move On After Being Cheated Upon

If a cheater refuses to make amends, you’d be better off breaking up with them. This may be difficult, but it is the best thing for you eventually.

Here are some tips to leave a cheater and move on:

• Plan for how you are going to live after leaving the relationship. This may include finding a new place to live, securing your finances, and getting emotional support from friends and family.
• Tell the cheater that you are leaving and that you are not coming back. Be firm and assertive. Do not let them talk you into staying.
• Cut off all contact with the cheater. This means blocking them on social media, deleting their number from your phone, and avoiding places where you know you might see them.
• Take care of yourself. Make sure you are eating healthy, getting enough sleep, and exercising regularly. Spend time with loved ones who support you.
• See a mental health expert if you feel overwhelmed.

Final Words

When a relationship ends, it’s hard to let go of the past. Every so often, you’ll never truly recover after a broken relationship. But you must learn to move on.

• Don’t dwell on the past
• Look to start a new chapter
• Find happiness and stay happy

Learn to trust again, love again. It is daunting to live in a world with no one to trust. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone who respects you and who is faithful to you.

√ Also Read: How To Forgive Someone Who Keeps Hurting

√ Please share this with someone.

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