Today's Sunday • 12 mins read
Violence sends out signals before it happens.
- Women who were attacked in their own homes later said they felt uneasy going in “that” day. But they brushed it off as stress.
- Someone reported feeling a sudden choking sensation when a stranger’s perfume passed by. Later, a woman was abducted from that very subway the same night.
You still can’t explain why you acted in a certain way in a certain scenario.
- You felt hollowed out before going on a date with this one person.
- Something bothered you when they were asked to meet at a certain place.
- You felt uneasy when this kind person offered to help you without you asking.
These signs are sent out by the survival instinct we call fear. The primitive part of our brain can sense life-threatening dangers much before the rational brain can fully process the situation.
7 Pre-Incident Indicators (PINs) of Violence
Violent and abusive people often have patterns.
Gavin de Becker, an expert on the protection of public figures, shares seven “pre-incident indicators” (PINS) of violence in his book The Gift of Fear. These signs indicate a predator’s malicious intentions.
They come before physical aggression and violence. Seeing these can help you stay alive before threats become obvious.
These are the 7 pre-incident indicators (PINS), or 7 things predators do to turn people into prey:
1. Charm and Niceness
Predators use charm and niceness to lure you. Because you were conditioned to be friendly and polite to a nice person, they are exploiting that weakness.
But charm almost always comes with a purpose. At its core, charm has plans to grab your attention and subtly control you through allure and charisma.
Charm is a verb—a calculated act to lower your guard and disarm your stranger-mistrust.
Same with niceness. Niceness is a deliberate decision. Violators choose to act nice to groom and manipulate their targets, turning social warmth into a weapon.
You might have heard of victims sighing, “He used to be so nice.” That nice man turned into a predator some time after that initial kindness.
So, watch out for niceness and charm that feel too eager or too out of place. Ask yourself, “Is this person trying to charm me?” If yes, turn away every time.
N.B.: Another form of this could be feigned helplessness. Ted Bundy used to pretend he needed help. At times, he would put his arm in a sling and ask a young woman for help. As soon as they came close, he’d kidnap them.
2. Forced Teaming
This hinges on creating a false sense of connection between the abuser and the victim.
The predator presents an urgent, shared problem or need, invoking “we” language to suggest an alliance that does not actually exist.
Like, “We’re both trying to figure this out,” or “No need to talk outside, let’s go in.”
This does two things: one, it gains the trust of the victim, and two, it imposes a false loyalty, making the victim owe allegiance to someone they supposedly share a common ground with.
Forced teaming pushes the agenda that collaboration must begin right away, trapping you in a partnership they never agreed to.
Rebuff this, even if it feels rude. Say something like, “No, we’re on different boats.”
3. Loan Sharking
The predator offers a series of help, favors, or gifts, most of which are unsolicited.
Undersurface, their generosity is a rising debt. They are setting up the victim to feel indebted and obliged to return the favor in some way.
That’s like what loan sharks do—lend money on very easy terms but at very high interest, ultimately using threats or violence to collect debts.
Watch out for the “unasked for” favors. If this person is buying you things or inviting you to do fun things without asking you first, it may be more than expressing interest in you.
They are likely going to wield control over you in the future. Worse, they can get abusive to make you repay the debt that you didn’t ask for in the first place.
This is similar to the foot-in-the-door technique, which starts with a small, easy-to-agree-to request that, once complied with, is followed by increasingly larger requests.
Unsolicited offers or gifts are ominous signs. Don’t accept what you didn’t ask for. “Thanks, but no thanks” can be a lifesaver.
4. Typecasting
The predator throws a mildly critical comment or insult at the victim, hoping to start a conversation. The idea is to make the victim feel challenged to prove the remark is not accurate.
For example,
- “Oh, I bet you’re too stuck-up to talk to a guy like me.”
- “There’s such a thing as being too proud, you know.”
- “You’re probably too busy to help.”
- “Too proud to accept help?”
The thing is that even the typecaster himself doesn’t believe what he says to be true. He has studied you to know that it will trigger your response.
The best response is no response. Do not even acknowledge the typecasting remark.
5. Discounting the Word “No”
Someone refusing to accept your denial, rejection, or boundaries is a red flag. It signals they are either seeking control or refusing to give it up.
When someone ignores your “no,” the worst thing you can do is to give them weaker and weaker refusals.
But women often make the mistake of making ever-weakening refusals before finally giving in. The wife of an abusive husband shared this: “He pursued me across three continents after I declined his marriage proposal, so I finally said yes.”
Accepting one refusal to “no” often opens a floodgate. More refusals start pouring in, from minor ones like asking you to dance, to buying you a drink, to joining you uninvited at your table, and serious things like touching you wrongly.
Negotiation is also a poor response to “You can’t say no.”
“‘No’ is a word that must never be negotiated, because the person who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you.” – Gavin De Becker
Don’t negotiate, don’t relent, don’t explain. Simply say, “I don’t need your help.”
6. Too Many Details
When people lie, they will often use “too many details” in their conversations. The idea is to distract from the truth and create a false sense of credibility.
It’s like this: They plan to deceive you later.
But now they must get you to trust them on what they know doesn’t sound entirely credible. So they use extra details to support their lie.
The information overload is to confuse you and numb your sense of defense. They don’t want you to think too much about how you might safeguard yourself against an unusual offer.
Say they invite you to a party at their home. Then add this: “Many friends from my old school are coming. My mother has overseen all the cooking and made sure each item is healthy. And she is eager to meet you more than all my friends.”
That extra information tries to show you the “genuineness” of their intentions so you don’t turn down their invitation right away.
Be alert the moment you hear extra details following an offer for you to consider. Decline until you’ve talked to other people about how safe it is.
7. The Unsolicited Promise
The basic reason behind every promise is to convince us of an intention. Promises are made when the listener has doubts.
An “unsolicited promise” is a promise to do (or not do) something when no such promise is asked for. This is a dire indication of a future offense.
When someone says, “I swear I’ll leave you alone after this” or “You have my word, I’m not going to hurt you,” they’re trying to settle your unexpressed worries. Be certain that they are already aware of your unease and are trying to manage it in advance.
- Unsolicited promises try to create a false sense of safety. The predator says things to make the victim think the abuse won’t continue or escalate. This makes the victim lower their guard and become less likely to fight or flee. But this is the exact sign that the predator is coming with a bigger attack.
“The unsolicited promise is one of the most reliable signals (of hidden agendas) because it is nearly always of questionable motive.” — Gavin de Becker
When you receive an unsolicited promise, ask yourself, “Why does this person need to convince me?”
Start looking for an escape when a predator volunteers a commitment without you asking for any.
Your Fear-Intuition Is Telling You Something
Our fear instinct is an internal alarm that warns us of imminent danger. Unfortunately, social conditioning often makes us ignore this very survival mechanism.
Timely interpreted, it can save our lives. That’s why Gavin De Becker calls it The Gift of Fear. And advises us (especially women) not to ignore these visceral signals that something is not right, as ignoring them can be fatal.
He writes, “Intuition is always right in at least two important ways: It is always in response to something. It always has your best interest at heart.”
Evolution gave us the gift of fear to detect threats that our conscious mind might miss or dismiss. Our ancestors who ran when leaves rustled, without waiting to see if it was a saber-tooth or the wind, lived.
“Real fear is a signal intended to be very brief, a mere servant of intuition. … Fear is not an emotion like sadness or happiness, either of which might last a long while. It is not a state, like anxiety. True fear is a signal that sounds only in the presence of danger.” – De Becker
Danger of Politeness: Nice vs. Good
A crucial part of personal safety is knowing the difference between being good and being nice.
We usually think that nice people don’t have bad intentions. Criminals, like psychopaths, also know this. So they use polite manners and nice behavior to disable your fear instinct.
Society teaches children, especially girls, to be polite to the nice behavior of others, even if it makes them uncomfortable. This very teaching can become dangerous.
“We must learn and then teach our children that niceness does not equal goodness. Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait. People seeking to control others almost always present the image of a nice person in the beginning. Like rapport-building, charm and the deceptive smile, unsolicited niceness often has a discoverable motive.”
- When we ask children to act politely despite feeling uncomfortable, we’re teaching them to ignore that nice behavior from others can mask danger.
- Social pressure to be polite and accommodating, particularly for women, can mute the life-saving warning signals that could save us.
Takeaway: Nice behavior is a red flag. People trying to be nice might not really be nice. So, teach kids not to trust anyone who acts nice.
The Different Fears of Men and Women
Then there’s a stark divide between how different men vs. women experience fear:
“Most men fear getting laughed at or humiliated by a romantic prospect, while most women fear rape and death.”
This shows why the same behaviors might be interpreted very differently by each gender. What men may perceive as merely annoying or disappointing behavior can register as potentially life-threatening to a woman.
That’s not paranoia, but a practical risk assessment based on the lived and shared reality of women.
Breaking the Cycle of Unwanted Pursuit
De Becker offers a valuable insight for young women dealing with persistent unwanted attention:
“There’s a lesson in real-life stalking cases that young women can benefit from learning: persistence only proves persistence—it does not prove love. The fact that a romantic pursuer is relentless doesn’t mean you are special—it means he is troubled.”
This reframing challenges the romantic notion that relentless pursuit demonstrates devotion. Instead, it recognizes such behavior as a warning sign of someone who prioritizes their desires over another’s boundaries.
The Myth of Universal Reactions
De Becker cautions us:
“Believing that others will react as we would is the single most dangerous myth of intervention.”
This insight applies not only to predicting a potential aggressor’s behavior but also to how bystanders might respond in potentially dangerous situations.
We cannot assume others share the same values and perceptions as us, or they would respond as we would. This is something to keep in mind when making a safety plan for going into a dangerous zone.
Managing Fear vs. Being Ruled by It
A critical distinction in de Becker’s work is between genuine fear (the “gift” that protects us) and anxiety (the chronic worry about what might happen).
The goal is not to live in constant suspicion. But to recognize when your fear is helping you avoid a danger, and when it’s holding you back.
As a general rule, fear is unhelpful when it persists beyond being a brief signal. When we remain in a state of fear long after an immediate threat has passed, it may become a mental prison and phobia.
Final Words
“You have the gift of a brilliant internal guardian that stands ready to warn you of hazards and guide you through risky situations.” – Gavin de Becker
De Becker’s main prescription is to never go against your gut feelings of instinctive fear. Our fear instinct is a useful tool, and our task is not to dismiss its messages.
Respect fear as a messenger rather than an enemy, and it transforms into a gift that can keep you alive.
• • •
Also see: 10 Reasons Why Being Around Narcissists Will Wear You Out Mentally.
√ Please share it with someone if you found this helpful.
