10 Ideal Ways To Help A Friend In A Toxic Relationship

Today's Friday • 11 mins read

“My friend’s toxic relationship is affecting me!”
“My friend is in a toxic relationship but won’t leave?”
“What to do when your friend keeps going back to a toxic relationship?”
“What advice would you give a friend who is in an unhealthy relationship?”

A toxic relationship starts with one partner taking control and the other feeling caged in.

Then it turns into outright abuse and violence. Leaving the victim lonely, stressed, terrified, depressed, and trauma-bonded.

How do you help that friend in a toxic relationship before it destroys their sanity and normalcy?

It is a delicate position to be in. You don’t want things between you two to fall apart. And you also want your friend’s toxic relationship gone. How do you achieve that?

Every relationship comes with an expiry date. Truer version: Every relationship comes with a finite period of normalcy and decency; beyond that, old habits take over the burdens of love and respect.

How To Help A Friend In A Toxic Relationship

First rule: Don’t insist on helping someone who doesn’t want your help; it’s not always wise. Get inputs from a few common friends and your friend’s family.

Second rule: Don’t hijack the conversation when your friend comes to talk to you. It’s about them, not you. So let them speak more.

Here are 10 things you may do to help a friend in a toxic relationship:

1. Listen Without Prejudice.

“Don’t judge them. You have not walked in their shoes, so do not judge them.”

Any relationship can turn toxic, and it often happens unexpectedly. It’s not their fault.

Toxic relationships don’t start out abusive. Mostly, the abuser starts with being charming, sweet, caring, and trustworthy. So, avoid judging or blaming your friend for not seeing the signs early on.

Don’t assume things about your friend (“She’s an idiot. Keeps falling for such people!”). Or about the toxic person they are involved with (“That man must have killed someone, I can tell you!”).

When you start to assume things during a conversation, you roll the dice of your judgment.

Don’t make them suffer more by labeling them stupid for making that decision.
Don’t tell your friend that you knew it or had guessed it a long time ago, as it’s disrespectful.

If they see or decide you are judging them, they will start closing their hearts to you.

They may even regret that you were not the right person to have come to for sharing a vital part of their life experience.

Actively listen to them. Don’t interrupt them as they speak, even when they take long pauses to hunt for the right words. Allow them to freely express themselves.

Don’t take things personally if they say a few things that link to your bad habits. Strong feelings may make it hard to think clearly.

Do not be too dramatic with your reactions, please.
Do not go “gray rock” with them.

2. Treat Them With Empathy.

“Put on their shoes and walk in them. Feel where it hurts, and how much.”

When your friend confides in you about their toxic relationship, they want to share with you their painful experience.

Be the person they expect you to be.

Give them your empathy. Empathy is feeling “with” others. It tells others they can trust you and confide in you, and that you care about them.

A trusted person’s empathy is one of the best ways to heal from the negative effects of a bad relationship. Let your friend keep that trust.

Your best help to them will come from empathizing with them, and never letting them feel unheard or irrelevant.

For all you know, all they want from you at this moment is a patient ear, not a solution.

3. Don’t Offer Unsolicited Advice.

“The biggest problem with unsolicited advice is that it’s usually bad advice.”

Unsolicited advice becomes a burden to the other person.

First, they may be uncertain or reluctant about whether they should follow it.
Second, they might worry that they might offend you if they don’t follow it.
Third, there is a chance that you would want them to follow it.

Save them the dilemma and keep your unasked-for advice to yourself. Unless they are seeking solutions from you, do not suggest any.

You can validate their emotions by assuring them, like, “I can see why you feel that way,” or “It makes sense that you feel that way.”

You could ask them, “How are you coping with it? Do you think someone could help you handle it better?”

Your unsolicited advice can also make them feel more guilty about themselves, even when they are not at fault.

“Most people don’t need advice, they need someone to listen.” – Roy T. Bennett

For friends in toxic relationships, don’t offer advice if it wasn’t asked for.

Just let them know that you are there for them.

4. Don’t Get Dragged Into Their Fight.

“Help them fight. Don’t fight for them if they’re sitting on the sidelines.”

It can be difficult to stop yourself from not feeling vicious toward the person who is torturing your friend.

No matter how great friends you are, remember that you are only listening to their version of the events. The other person involved with them may not actually be as your friend is making it out to be.

Support them, but don’t be overzealous to fight it out for them.

Listen to them, and support them morally and emotionally, but do not take sides.

Do not rationalize their point of view or offer manipulative solutions, even indirectly (like “I know a guy who did this in such a situation.”)

“They need you by their side. They’re not here to see your show of chivalry.”

Do not encourage their destructive plans for their partner. In fact, dissuade them from acting out their potentially harmful plans.

5. Don’t Try to Save Them.

“You are not their savior. They may not need your saving.”

You don’t need to hijack them from their situation and bring them to your house. And then, you don’t need to offer them your bed and take yourself to the couch.

Don’t get up from the conversation to mount your horse and fight their battle.

They are perfectly capable of deciding the right course of action without your intervention.

Be supportive, but never offer to help them by promising to go outside your capabilities.

Pray for them, but don’t be their Jesus.

Feel okay telling them to stop if they are repeatedly dumping their trauma on you, and traumatizing you.

6. Don’t Jump To Help.

“Stay ready to help, but don’t go overboard.”

You could be one of those people who are high on empathy (“empath”), and feel you must do something to help your friend. Resist acting on that thought.

You may not be the best one to help them. Their best help would most likely come from a mental health expert. You may encourage your friend to get professional help.

If they require the services of a professional, they will seek it out or ask you for a recommendation.

It is not up to you to tell your friend to end their relationship. Never forget that they do not want you to decide for them if they should leave the toxic person. That choice will always be theirs.

“Don’t be overenthusiastic to help; it can be counterproductive.”

Just because someone came to you to talk about their personal crisis doesn’t mean you have to help them proactively. For the most part, you don’t have to do anything.

They’ll probably get over it on their own and be their sweet selves again without your intervention.

This point applies to you, especially if you’re an empath.

7. Assure Them of Confidentiality.

“The strength of a secret lies in the degree of trust that it is kept with.”

Don’t break their trust. Keep confidential things confidential.

They trusted you with sensitive information, and it is unsaid that you must keep them private.

Do not be a gossip. Make it a point to maintain absolute secrecy about what your friend told you.

Do not mention their case even as a story with anonymous characters (like, “Someone I know went through this, but I can’t name them. So, what happened was…”).

People can track down links to your “anonymous someone” and identify that friend.

Please remember to tell them that you are going to keep every bit of information they shared privately. And do that.

“Loose lips sink ships.” – Old Adage

Your friendship is a sacred vessel. And your silent pledge of nondisclosure gives them the peace that you will keep it sacred.

8. Respect Their Boundaries.

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.” – Brené Brown

Boundaries in relationships keep them healthy.

If your friend wishes to discuss the matter, listen without prejudice. But if they do not wish to talk to you about it, accept their wishes, and stop your probing questions.

Respect your friend’s boundaries. Don’t try to talk them out of the relationship; it’s not your area to exercise control.

Boundaries in relationships are a part of self-care. They are healthy, normal, and necessary.

So, for your own mental health, maintain your own boundaries.

Let them know that you truly care about them and want the best for them, but you cannot cross your boundaries, and they should not expect you to do so.

9. Treat Them As Adults.

They are not kids who need to be taught how to handle every difficult thing that happens in their life.

Don’t tell them if you think they should get out of the relationship, even if they ask your “honestly brutal” opinion.

First, this could make things worse. The horror of horrors, your friend’s partner might come after you to unleash their monstrosity!

Second, they may work out their conflicts and cut you out of their friendship. Worse, since “you tried to split them apart,” you are now their common enemy.

Third, they might have already decided to leave that person, but are dithering to act, probably because they haven’t worked out the aftermath of the breakup. They might be thinking:

How can I possibly be safe after that?
How can I avoid becoming a target again?

And, since you’re not a cop or a mafia boss, you can’t secure their safety if their partner is an antisocial personality or a malignant narcissist.

So, when they say they expect your honest and direct opinion if they should leave them, tell them you cannot make or validate that decision for them.

10. Don’t Force Your Ideas On Them.

Don’t get pushy in persuading them to act. Don’t give them that “It’s now or never.”

It can be quite heartbreaking to see our loved ones in distress. We may be overly worried about how to help a friend in a toxic relationship.

Pushing them, however, can actually worsen their position. It may force them to make unwise and unsafe decisions.

Respect their fragile emotional state, and avoid pressuring them to act fast. Whether it’s to cut the ties, go to the authorities, or seek counsel, let them take their time.

Remember, their unhappiness is uniquely theirs; nothing else compares.

You should let them handle it in their own way and at their own pace. Forcing them in any way could cost you or hurt your friendship.

Simply be there for them.

Summary:

Telling someone they are in an unhealthy relationship can be difficult. Here are 5 tips to do so:

Be supportive and non-judgmental.
Use “I” statements to express your concerns.
Point out the specific behaviors that worry you.
Listen to their response and respect their decision.
Offer resources, such as counseling or support groups, and encourage them to seek help if needed.
If your friend’s discussions about their toxic relationship are hurting you, set boundaries. Limit your contact with them, or take a step back from the situation.

Final Words

Lastly, don’t approach or press your friend to discuss their toxic relationship. Wait until they come to you.

When they ask for your time to talk about “something very important,” be there.

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√ Also Read: Are You A Toxic Person? 7 Signs You Have Become Toxic

√ Please share this if you found it helpful.