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— by Dr. Sandip Roy.
- Can narcissists choose how they treat others?
- Is their “me-first” nature a mechanism for survival?
- Did something bad happen to them in their past that made them who they are today?
First, does the word “narcissistic” point to someone very selfish and self-absorbed? Or to someone who has been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)?
The answer is: Narcissists exist on a spectrum. Some are highly self-centered, some are severely harmful (especially, the malignant narcissists), while many fall in between.
Three common myths about narcissists:
- All of them are egoistic and self-absorbed — not always so.
- They can’t have genuine relationships with others — not always so.
- They don’t have any capacity for empathy or change — not always so.
Some narcissists can adapt to become a normal person in a normal crowd. Have they learned how to control their toxic nature?
Before reading on, answer this in your mind: Is Narcissism A Choice?
Survival-Based Choices To Automatic Narcissistic Habits
Narcissism may be a defense mechanism that arises from a blend of early life conditions.
This child may have had narcissistic caregivers, guardians, or parents. To cope with them, the child may have developed some strategies to guard their physical and mental security.
They may have:
- Begun showing excessive self-promotion or bragging, to gain the attention and approval often withheld by narcissistic parents.
- Learned to suppress their own needs and emotions, having learned that expressing vulnerability or asking for help is often met with criticism or neglect.
- Adopted an attitude of relentless perfectionism, striving to appear flawless to avoid criticism and to earn praise.
- Started mirroring the narcissistic behaviors of their caregivers, showing a lack of empathy and using manipulation to achieve their goals.
As the brain matured, these behaviors and thought processes may have become deeply embedded in the brain’s network. What started as adaptive behavior eventually became a fixed part of the brain’s structure.
Once these habits are established, they operate below the threshold of consciousness and become as automatic as breathing.
The adult narcissist may no longer see these patterns as choices, but rather as a part of what makes them, them.
So, strategies for navigating a tough life during the pivotal years can later morph into narcissistic habits.
Like it was for you and me when we first learned to drive a car. Everything, from accelerating and braking to turning the steering wheel and gauging speed, was a conscious decision. With practice, these actions receded into the background of our awareness.
- Now, if narcissistic behaviors are automatic, perhaps woven into their brain neurons, is there no scope for change?
- Or, once we make the narcissist aware of their tendencies, can it become a springboard for a transforming leap?
Is Being Narcissistic A Deliberate Choice?
At first glance, it seems like narcissism isn’t a choice, but a burden piled on the narcissist. It started from an interplay between a stressful environment and survival decisions.
The behaviors associated with narcissism, particularly Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), are not choices in the conventional sense. Rather, they are automatic, learned behaviors.
The narcissist today was shaped by a mix of genetics, environment, and faulty parenting in their childhood. It may not seem like there was much to do to prevent it.
Yet, the truth is that the narcissist has the choice to change their ways.
They can choose to discontinue their complex pattern of people-harming behaviors, They don’t have to act on their ingrained impulses and unconscious habits.
So, where’s the problem?
These:
- Narcissists may not fully recognize their own behavior as negative. The study “Guilt and Proneness to Shame: Unethical Behavior in Vulnerable and Grandiose Narcissism” found narcissists are more likely to engage in unethical behavior and less likely to feel guilty about it.
- Narcissists also tend to have a hard time accepting or handling criticism, which makes them resistant to embracing feedback or making changes.
How Can The Narcissist Choose Change?
The real choice for a self-aware narcissist is whether or not to move away from their ingrained behavior.
A narcissist may be right to think that their behavior patterns weren’t a choice they could afford not to have at the start. But to continue them would be an unhealthy decision.
To change, a narcissist requires two things:
- Self-awareness,
- Commitment to growth.
The first condition is fairly easy to meet these days.
The short video platforms allow us to see insights from real people in the real world, as well as simply-explained research findings. Today, we can see and hear many diagnosed NPD people talking about how they think in particular situations and analyze others.
Watching them, we can learn to identify narcissistic traits within ourselves. And how we might accept the problematic parts of our personality and go about changing these behaviors.
This change process might seem like learning to drive on a different side of the road after relocating from the US to the UK. It is a labor-intensive process that needs unlearning old habits and building new ones from the ground up.
- Why Do Narcissists Cry? The Answer May Surprise You.
- What Happens When A Narcissist Knows You Love Him/Her?
Final Words
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) might best be understood as a set of habits that are encoded in the brain.
These habits are largely automatic. They mostly operate without much of a conscious choice, and show up in ways that define the condition.
Once a narcissist realizes they are narcissistic, they now have a choice: to keep acting out these people-harming patterns or to start a journey of self-transformation.
So, yes, an aware narcissist continuing to be a narcissist is a deliberate choice.
√ Also Read: Do Narcissists Know They Are Narcissists?
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