📅 21 Mar 2025 • 📖 18 min read
Narcissists use hoovering to get you back into the relationship, starting when they sense you are pulling away or breaking up.They:
- suddenly flood you with affection, flatter you, and put you through guilt trips or dramatic crises to reel you back in.
- act like they are lost without you, show they are helplessly in love with you, and tell you they made the mistake of ignoring your worth.
The whole act is so overwhelming that it’s hard to see their real motive, which is, an attempt to retain you as their narcissistic supply.
If you’re setting boundaries, seeking support, or planning to leave, expect your narcissist to hoover. Recognizing these tactics is the first step to breaking free.
20 Narcissist Hoovering Examples: Unveiling Their Control Tactics
Usual hoovering strategies: love-bombing, guilt-tripping, showing a pitiful state, making false promises, pretending to have changed, and playing with emotions.
Hoovering is not love, but a way to manipulate you back into their toxic web. See it as the desperation of a person who’s losing control over you. Then it gets easier to resist it.
Here are the twenty common narcissist hoovering examples and controlling tactics:
1. Making Subtle Contacts
Narcissists often use subtle contact to sneak back into your life. Or at least, stay present in your not let themselves be out of your mind.
They might text you, “I was at this place and was just thinking about that funny moment we had when we were here.” Messages like that trigger nostalgia, evoke vulnerability, and tempt you to engage.
Another subtle contact tactic is un-ghosting. They suddenly “reappear” in your life with a casual message, as if nothing went wrong between you two. This can put you in deep confusion as to whether you should accept them back or stay away.
Social media stalking is another way. They “like” all your posts, drop a lot of friendly comments, and share your content often. All to make it seem like they still have a presence in your life.
If their subtle contacts feel like swaying you to go back to them, talk to your trusted friends and family, who understand your past with the narcissist. They can give you a reality check when you’re being hoovered.
2. Flattering and Complimenting You
Narcissists use flattery as a tool, not a genuine expression of admiration. Their compliments are designed to pull you back in by making you feel valued, desired, and irreplaceable.
They may shower you with praise about your looks, intelligence, or achievements, making it seem like they see something in you that no one else does. But beneath the sweet words lies a hidden agenda—regaining control.
Here’s how they do it:
- “You’re the best!” They might say, “You’re the only one who truly understands me” or “I’ve never met anyone as amazing as you.” This creates a false sense of exclusivity, making you feel irreplaceable.
- Comparing you to their exes. They’ll claim, “You’re so much better than my ex. No one has ever treated me like you do.” This sets up an unhealthy dynamic where you feel pressure to maintain their approval.
- Highlighting your strengths. They may focus on your talents or kindness, not to appreciate you, but to subtly make you feel like you need their validation to succeed.
Flattery from a narcissist isn’t about appreciation, but about control. Recognize it for what it is, stay grounded, and don’t let their words pull you back into their manipulative cycle.
3. Recalling Happy Memories & Deep Experiences
Narcissists use selective nostalgia to reignite your lost passion and pull you back in.
They may bring up inside jokes, joyful moments, or heartfelt conversations. They want you to get lost in the positive memories and shared experiences. So you question your decision to leave.
Interestingly, studies show that recalling happy memories can reduce symptoms of depression and improve our mental health when dealing with chronic stress:
“Together, our data suggest that activating positive memories artificially is sufficient to suppress depression-like behaviours.” — Ramirez & Liu, 2013
Be careful when they try to bond through emotionally charged conversations. Decline attention, set firm boundaries, and limit contact.
A few good memories with a narcissist don’t erase their harmful behavior.
4. Staging Accidental Encounters
Narcissists often stage “accidental” encounters to make you feel like “the world is a small place” and “destiny keeps bringing you together.”
They might “randomly” bump into you at your favorite coffee shop, workplace, or grocery store. These may seem unplanned, but they are anything but. They carefully plan these meetings to re-enter your life.
During these staged meetings, they may:
- Show concern: Ask about how you are doing and the well-being of your family and friends.
- Express remorse: Express regret for their past acts and gratitude for your forgiving nature.
- Fire up nostalgia: Stir up old feelings and ask if you could go for one last coffee together.
These encounters are never fate. Just say a cursory Hi, or even not that, and move out of their sight. Don’t let them pull you into their toxic cycle again.
5. Pledging A Brighter Future Together
Narcissists lure you back with promises of a perfect future. But these promises are mostly hollow.
They use your dreams as bait to hook you back in. They know that when you’re focused on the future, you’re less likely to question the present.
They may talk about marriage, kids, financial security, or dream vacations—whatever appeals to you most. If you’ve always wanted to travel the world, they’ll say, “We could have a month-long Europe trip!”
Watch for these signs:
- Their promises sound vague or too good to be true.
- They say things like, “You are my destiny!” but never act on it.
- They change their tune and delay doing what they promised, once you give in.
Before believing their words, ask yourself: Have they ever followed through on their promises? Will this time be any different?
Pay attention to what they did, not what they say they will do. They are masters of serving word-salad.
“Words can be twisted into any shape. Promises can be made to lull the heart and seduce the soul. In the final analysis, words mean nothing. They are labels we give things in an effort to wrap our puny little brains around their underlying natures, when … the totality of the reality is an entirely different beast.”
― Karen Marie Moning
6. Reaching Out On Special Dates
Narcissists use special dates to sneak back into your life.
Birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays become their excuse to reach out. They might send a “harmless” text or social media message, and follow it up with how you celebrated that day in the past.
On holidays like Christmas or Thanksgiving, they may:
- Invite themselves to your gathering.
- Send sentimental gifts to weaken your resolve.
- Make grand gestures to convince you they’ve changed.
This stirs up emotions, making you have second thoughts about your decision to leave. But it’s not love—it’s manipulation.
If they reach out, don’t engage. Instead:
- Remind yourself why you left.
- Re-vow that your peace is more important than this relationship.
7. Pretending To Need Help or Advice
Your narcissist may fake needing your help or advice to lure you back in.
They play on your kindness, asking for advice or assistance in areas they know you excel in. It’s a calculated move to make you feel obligated to engage.
Examples of how they do this:
- Your ex asks for career or financial advice, despite having other options.
- A narcissistic parent seeks guidance on a major life decision they could handle alone.
- A former friend pretends to be in crisis, hoping you’ll step in.
Never lower your guard around a narcissist you left. Ignore them completely. If you can’t, keep the conversation strictly business and transactional.
[Honest admission: A narcissist friend I broke up with tried this tactic. They kept messaging me to ask for my medical advice.]
8. Using Shared Hobbies or Interests To Reconnect
Distanced narcissists may use shared hobbies to pull you back in.
They might suddenly show interest in an activity you both enjoyed, like inviting you for a tennis match or discussing a book series you loved together. It seems harmless, but their goal is to create doubt about leaving them.
This reconnecting over mutual interests is actually about easing you into giving them back control over you. Once they go back, they can restart the cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discard.
What to Do:
- Be wary of sudden invitations tied to past hobbies.
- Recognize their intent—it’s not about the activity, but manipulation.
- Set firm boundaries and don’t let nostalgia override your decision to leave.
The more you know about these subtle tricks, the easier it will be to stop falling into their trap.
9. Requesting A Farewell Conversation
Narcissists may request a farewell conversation—perhaps over dinner or even a breakup party—to keep control over you.
They use this as a chance to guilt-trip you into rethinking your decision. They might say, “I don’t understand where things went wrong. We owe it to ourselves to talk.”
- They will also seek sympathy by emphasizing their pain since the breakup.
- They’ll claim they “fought the world” to support you—all to make you second-guess moving on.
- They’ll remind you of the struggles they endured for you and the sacrifices you never knew about.
Recognize this for what it is: an attempt to keep you emotionally tied to them.
If you choose to engage, expect manipulation. Set firm boundaries and stay focused on healing yourself.
10. Sending Gifts or Surprise Deliveries
Narcissists may try to hoover you with surprise gifts or unannounced deliveries.
It may seem thoughtful, but their real goal is to remind you of their presence and push you to respond. Once you do, they regain control.
They might send:
- Flowers, chocolates, or items you like.
- Gifts that remind you of shared memories.
- Surprise visits, showing up uninvited to force an interaction.
Stay firm about not engaging with them. The goal is to stop their manipulation, even if it means coming off as impolite.
Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
Keep that in mind. Don’t give them another chance to make you feel inferior.
The world feels good as long as you feel good.
11. Invoking Religious or Cultural Traditions
Narcissists exploit religious or cultural values to manipulate you.
They might:
- Shame you for “dishonoring” family traditions.
- Twist religious teachings to make you feel guilty.
- Use sacred texts selectively to justify their control.
This can create internal conflict, making you question your values and reconsider decisions based on their influence instead of your own beliefs.
Stay aware and:
- Recognize when they are using faith or culture as a weapon.
- Seek guidance from trusted religious or cultural leaders.
- Stay true to your values, not their distorted version of them.
“Narcissists are masters of illusion who trick, con, deceive, and regain control over their victims.”
12. Publicly Displaying Remorse or Change
Narcissists may stage a public apology to pressure you into forgiving them. They may say, “I’m so sorry for the way I treated you. I want to make it right.”
You may find them:
- admitting mistakes and promising to change for the better.
- apologizing dramatically in front of family or friends to gain sympathy.
- using social pressure to make you feel guilty for not giving them another chance.
Their remorse is often a tactic, not a transformation.
If they make a public display of regret, stay focused on their past actions, not their words. If unsure, seek input from trusted friends or a therapist to avoid falling into their cycle again.
13. Posing As A Changed Person on Social Media
Narcissists often use social media to appear transformed, hoping to hoover you in.
They might:
- Share quotes about growth and letting go.
- Post personal stories of “self-improvement.”
- Craft an online persona that does not match their real behavior.
True change requires effort and consistency, not just social media posts.
Do not let their carefully curated posts sway you. Trust your instincts, and limit exposure to their online presence.
If they were truly different, their actions—not their captions—would prove it.
14. Downplaying Their Past Mistakes & Mistreatment
Narcissists often minimize their past actions and mistreatment to avoid accountability.
They might dismiss your concerns with phrases like:
- “You’re overreacting. It wasn’t that bad.”
- “I didn’t mean to hurt you; you’re just too sensitive.”
- “I was just joking; I wish you knew how to lighten up.”
These are gaslighting phrases. Their goal is to get you to question your reality.
They may also express fake remorse to create false hope, only to repeat the same patterns.
Trust your instincts and don’t let them make you doubt what you experienced. Do not let them rewrite your lived history.
15. Enlisting A Third Party’s Help
[Suggestion: Make it more concise, remove redundancy, and clarify the role of third parties.]
15. Enlisting a Third Party’s Help
Narcissists may recruit mutual friends, family members, or acquaintances to get you back.
They might twist the truth, spread lies, or play the victim to turn others against you. This can leave you feeling isolated and doubting your own judgment.
They may also send in “flying monkeys” to pressure you into forgiving them.
To protect yourself:
- Share your side of the story with those who are open to hearing it.
- Keep records of interactions to counter false claims.
- Distance yourself from those who enable their manipulation.
Stay alert—narcissists rarely act alone when trying to regain control.
16. Retaining Your Personal Items
Another controlling tactic narcissists use involves retaining your personal items.
Holding onto your belongings can create a sense of dependency in you, and make it difficult for you to distance yourself from the relationship. Here are some ways narcissists may do this:
- Refusing to return borrowed items, such as clothes or books, even after multiple requests.
- Deliberately leaving their possessions at your home to maintain a physical presence.
- Claiming they lost or misplaced your belongings to avoid returning them.
Hoovering is ultimately a calculating scheme to ‘suck’ you back into their life, and not returning your personal items is another of their effective tool way to do so.
To counteract these tactics, consider the following actionable points:
- Keep an inventory of your belongings. Make a list of items you’ve lent to the narcissist or that they have left at your place.
- Communicate clearly and firmly your expectation that your items be returned, being specific about which items you want back.
- Set a deadline for the return of your belongings and be prepared to follow through with legal action if necessary.
Remember, narcissists often hoover a person to get them to resume contact.
Do not give them that chance. Keep your boundaries up and intact, and avoid their lure to be pulled back into the relationship.
17. Involving Children or Mutual Friends
This is the vilest part of the breakup with a narcissist. Narcissists frequently use children or mutual friends to maintain control over their victims.
They may deliberately involve them in arguments or leverage their feelings to manipulate you.
A narcissist may try to persuade your child to take their side in disputes, creating a divide in your relationship with your child.
This can trigger guilt and weaken your resolve, allowing the narcissist to maintain control over your emotional well-being.
Another trick a narcissist may use on you is by contacting mutual friends and sharing misrepresented stories or false allegations.
This tactic aims to isolate you from your support network, making you more susceptible to the narcissist’s control tactics.
Here are some clear signs of this tactic:
- Children are being used as messengers to relay emotionally charged messages.
- Attempts to manipulate your relationship with your child by playing the victim.
- Bad-mouthing you to mutual friends causes a rift in your friendships.
- Attempts to draw mutual friends into arguments, forcing them to take sides.
“Manipulation is an art, and narcissists are skilled in deceiving others.”
– Shannon Thomas, LCSW and author
Recognize these tactics and take the necessary steps to protect yourself and your loved ones.
Stay vigilant and evaluate information critically, especially if it comes from a narcissist.
Keep your relationships with your children and friends strong and open, ensuring that communication lines are unobstructed.
18. Undermining Your Self-Esteem
Narcissists have a knack for undermining your self-esteem in order to maintain control over you.
They tend to deploy various tactics aimed at manipulating your emotions and destabilizing your sense of self-worth.
One common tactic is to criticize you constantly, whether it’s about your appearance or your abilities. They might disguise this criticism as “honest advice” or “constructive feedback”, but in reality, they are aiming to chip away at your confidence.
Another way they might undermine your self-esteem is by comparing you to others, focusing on your weaknesses, and highlighting areas where you fall short. This can make you feel inferior and more dependent on their approval, which is always just out of reach.
Narcissists may often use a technique called “gaslighting” to distort your perception of reality.
They do this by flatly denying events or downplaying their own behavior, ultimately making you question your own memory or sanity. This tactic erodes your trust in your judgment and leaves you vulnerable to their manipulation.
“You are not the issue, it’s them. So do not take their behaviors personally. Do not try to fix them.”
As a means to regain control, remember to protect your self-esteem by seeking support from healthy relationships with people who understand your situation.
In your interactions, stay alert for these tactics aimed at undermining your self-esteem.
Recognizing them for what they are will make it easier to resist the narcissist’s pull and maintain your emotional balance.
19. Expressing Intimidating Threats
Intimidating threats are common tactics used by narcissists to maintain control over their victims.
These threats can come in various forms, and knowing this can help you protect yourself from breaking down mentally and emotionally.
A classic example of an intimidating threat is the narcissist making statements suggesting they will hurt you in a way that no one finds out, because they know you too well.
In fact, they can damage your finances, your reputation, and your image, both online and offline.
Many ex-narcissists can threaten to post your intimate pictures if you leave them or don’t comply with their wishes.
Threats like this can force you to give in to their unjust and cruel demands, out of fear for your and your family’s safety.
Another cruel tactic they use is to threaten the well-being of those close to you, your loved ones, friends, family, or even pets.
By holding someone or something else hostage, narcissists can use this leverage to manipulate you into doing what they want.
Narcissists often use subtle intimidation, like combat hoovering, to provoke emotional responses and gain power.
To handle these threats, recognize patterns and maintain firm boundaries.
Focus on your mental and emotional well-being, understanding that you can’t control the narcissist but can protect yourself and minimize their impact.
20. Threatening Self-Punishment or Self-Harm
One manipulative tactic narcissists use is threatening self-punishment or self-harm.
They might say they will hurt themselves if you don’t comply with their wishes or if you try to leave the relationship.
In my clinical experience, suicide threats have been used by at least three narcissistic clients to get back with their ex-partners. They were brought in for sudden abnormal behaviors like alcoholism, substance abuse, and violence toward their families.
These self-harm threats can be extremely sensitive issues and must be referred to expert centers (and legal authorities).
One main aim of these threats is to place the responsibility for the narcissist’s well-being on the victim. As a result, the victim might feel trapped and unable to decide their own best interest.
Consider the following examples of this hoovering technique:
- “If you leave me, I’ll have nothing to live for, and I’ll harm myself.”
- “There’s no reason for me to live without you. I’ll end my life if you don’t return.”
- “I can’t stand the thought of losing you. If you don’t come back, I won’t be able to handle it.”
When faced with these threats, it’s crucial to remember that you are not responsible for another person’s actions, especially when being manipulated by a narcissist. Here are some actionable points to handle threatening self-harm:
- Recognize the manipulation for what it is, and maintain your boundaries.
- Encourage the person to seek professional help if you believe the threats are genuine.
- Do not engage further or give in to their demands to avoid reinforcing the behavior.
It’s normal to feel concerned about someone’s well-being, but it’s essential to prioritize your own safety and mental health.
You cannot save or fix anyone, especially when manipulation is involved.
Stay strong and maintain your boundaries, while alerting the legal and health authorities and offering support from a safe distance.
Final Words
Finally, here are three take-home messages:
- Narcissistic hoovering often starts in the final stage of the narcissistic relationship cycle.
- Hoovering makes you feel as if the earliest (“rosiest”) days of your relationship are back.
- If you give in to hoovering, the narcissist will gradually re-play their abusive and degrading behavior.
• • •
√ Also Read: How To Trick A Narcissist Into Revealing The Truth?
√ Please share it with someone if you found this helpful.