Quiz: Are You Trauma-Bonded To Your Narcissist? Quick Check!

Narcissists, Psychopaths, Sociopaths
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Today's Sunday • 7 mins read

Trauma bonding often plays out like this: You love them. You hate them. But you can’t leave them. And you don’t fully understand why.

They mistreat you most of the time. They criticize everything you do, call you stupid, and blame you for their harsh behavior toward you. But your narcissist also shows moments of warmth and love.

You feel like you failed the relationship, unable to live up to their expectations. So you stay, try harder to please them, and sacrifice your needs for theirs.

You don’t realize that it is not a personal failing. Your narcissistic abuser trauma bonded you to them.

That push-pull feeling unconsciously binds you to your narcissist. You psychologically respond in the exact way they want in the relationship.

What Is Trauma Bonding?

Trauma bonding: a strong emotional attachment formed between an abuser and their victim through a cycle of abuse and inconsistent love.

Your narcissist hurts you for long periods. You walk on eggshells around them, trying to keep them happy. But they still get offended for some reason.

When you break down crying, they hug you, apologize, and show love. Over time, your brain starts to crave the relief that follows the pain, and that craving is what keeps you stuck.

Those tender moments feel so valuable that you get withdrawal symptoms every time you try to leave them.

trauma bonding quiz

Quiz: Are You Trauma-Bonded To Your Narcissist?

Trauma Bonding Checklist

This checklist is designed to help you identify signs of trauma bonding in a relationship. Trauma bonding occurs when cycles of abuse, intermittent reinforcement, and manipulation create a powerful emotional attachment to an abusive partner.

Adapted from: Arabi, S. (2023). Breaking Trauma Bonds with Narcissists and Psychopaths: Stop the Cycle of Manipulation, Exploitation, and Abuse in Your Romantic Relationships.

Go through each item below and select Yes if it describes your current or past relationship, or No if it does not. Your score at the end will tell you where you stand.

1. Love Bombing to Devaluation

The relationship started out with intense amounts of attention, affection, and praise. Now, it has shifted into hot-and-cold behavior that devalues and minimizes you, demeaning the positive qualities your toxic partner once praised, triggering your worst insecurities, and manufacturing new insecurities that never existed prior to the relationship.

2. Walking on Eggshells

You’re rarely sure which “version” of this person you’re going to get and find yourself walking on eggshells, trying to prevent their anger, and managing their moods to try to “predict” their actions.

3. Feeling Addicted to the Relationship

You feel addicted to the relationship, even when it feels dangerous. You may know this person is toxic for you, but a part of you feels inextricably attached to the person they presented themselves to be in the beginning of the relationship.

4. The Cycle of Abuse and Apology

Incidents of abuse, mistreatment, or betrayal in this relationship tend to be followed by periods of love bombing, displays of remorse, or hollow apologies, only for the cycle to begin again.

5. Obsessive Preoccupation

You’ve developed an intense preoccupation with this person and find yourself constantly thinking about them, fantasizing about them in loving ways, or feeling intense anger toward them. You may vacillate between these two states and find it difficult to understand or pinpoint who this person really is or how you authentically feel toward them.

6. Minimizing and Rationalizing Abuse

You find yourself minimizing and rationalizing incidents of cruelty, emotional or physical abuse, and betrayals, especially ones you found unacceptable before.

7. Compulsive Contact

You engage in compulsive behaviors to connect to, communicate with, or check up on this person, even when it seems irrational or harmful to do so.

8. Unable to Let Go Despite Evidence

You have overwhelming evidence that your partner is harmful, deceptive, or conniving, but you can’t seem to let go of the relationship.

9. Repeated Attempts to Leave

You may have tried several times to leave the relationship, but your partner has convinced you to come back or you have found it difficult to detach entirely. You may have left the relationship multiple times, only to go back to the abuser when they promised to change.

10. One-Sided Loyalty

You find yourself doing everything to please them and are loyal to a fault, even when they don’t reciprocate.

11. Defending the Abuser

You defend your abuser to people who express concern about your partner and the relationship. You may still do “favors” for your abuser or go out of your way to try to regain their approval.

12. Constant Overexplaining

You find yourself constantly overexplaining yourself to your abuser and other people, attempting to rationalize your valid emotions and reactions because of the intense amount of manipulation you’ve endured.

13. Self-Destructive Behaviors

You have begun engaging in self-destructive or reckless habits as a result of this relationship or even self-harm.

14. Loss of Self

You have lost your sense of self, worth, and value.

15. Jealousy and Approval-Seeking

You compare yourself to others due to the abuser’s constant attempts to provoke jealousy. You have become dependent on the abuser’s perception of you, even going so far as to try to “correct” this perception.

Your Score: / 15

Note: This checklist is an educational tool, not a clinical diagnostic instrument. It is meant to raise awareness and prompt reflection. If you recognize these patterns in your relationship, speaking with a licensed mental health professional who specializes in trauma or relationship abuse is strongly recommended. If you are in immediate danger, contact emergency services or a domestic helpline in your country.
breaking trauma bonds with narcissists arabi shahida
Breaking Trauma Bonds With Narcissists - Shahida Arabi

Origin of "Trauma Bonds"

Trauma bonds mostly form in relationships with an underlying power imbalance, with the weaker person feeling constant danger or betrayal.

Trauma bonding is the process of conditioning a victim not to leave their abuser.

The term "trauma bond" was first introduced by Patrick Carnes in 1997. He defined them as chains that connect a victim to someone who is dangerous to them.

Carnes reported trauma bonds can form in any exploitative relationship: between romantic partners, parent and child, family members, kidnapper and captive, and even cult members and cult leaders.

Stockholm Syndrome vs. Trauma Bonding: What Separates Them

Today, researchers and clinicians recognize it as one of the main reasons survivors of narcissistic abuse find it so hard to walk away, even when they know the relationship is harmful.

Final Words

If you checked several items on that list, you're responding to abnormal treatment just as any normal human would.

Trauma bonds are strong. But they're not permanent. Awareness is the first step. Once you can name what's happening, you can start to separate the conditioning from your actual feelings.

Caring for Aging Narcissists: 7 Hard Things To Expect

The next step is support: a therapist, a trauma-informed counselor, or even a trusted community. You don't have to figure this out alone.

And if you're not sure where to start, that's okay too. You already started by taking this quiz.

√ Also Read: How To Beat The Narcissist: 7 Strategies That Always Work

√ Please share this with someone.

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» You deserve happiness! Choosing therapy could be your best decision.

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