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— Reviewed by Dr. Sandip Roy.Limerence can make you intensely enamored with a particular person. But it’s not love. Then what’s it?
You may not be familiar with the term “limerence,” but you may have lived it. It is like a strong passion for someone, blurring the lines between infatuation and obsession.
This unreal love can turn your life upside down, making you laugh and cry based on how your person of interest treats you.
So, find out how to recognize when it’s happening to you, what might have caused it, and how you can get out of it.
What Is Limerence
Limerence is a mental state characterized by obsessive thoughts and intense longing for another person. It starts as a desire and can escalate into an uncontrollable craving for the person.
The person of interest is known as the limerence object (LO), and the one experiencing these strong emotions is called the limerent person (LE).
While often romantic, it can also be non-romantic.
Psychologist Dorothy Tennov coined the term “limerence” in the 1970s after interviewing 300 people about their experiences with romantic love.
Tennov identified a distinct form of “being in love” that many of her subjects described—an involuntary, overwhelming longing for another person’s attention and positive regard.
She found that this attachment was often unrequited, with the other person unavailable to reciprocate feelings. She wrote,
“The goal of limerence is not possession, but a kind of merging, a “oneness,” the ecstatic bliss of mutual reciprocation.”
Limerence can strike unexpectedly, leaving the individual flustered and consumed by their intense emotions for their object of fascination.
Do you think you’re emotionally damaged, but don’t know its signs?
Signs of Limerence
- Limerence has been compared to OCD and substance use disorder, as it shares features of both.
- In limerence, physiological states of excitement and fear co-mingle with paranoid expressions. The person tries to hide their interest in the idealized limerent object while seeking to interpret potential signs of emotional reciprocation (Tennov, 1979).
- Some signs of limerence include obsessive thinking, intrusive thoughts, constant daydreaming, a strong fear of rejection, mood swings, rituals that interfere with daily functioning, and idealizing the LO to an unrealistic degree.
1. Obsessive Thoughts and Preoccupation
People experiencing limerence are consumed with thoughts about the person of interest, even in their absence.
This intense preoccupation can lead to overthinking (rumination), consuming mental energy, and leaving them too exhausted to carry out everyday duties.
2. Inability to Focus On Anything Else
The obsession with the person of interest dominates thoughts and behaviors, making it difficult to concentrate on other aspects of life.
3. Idealization and The Halo Effect
When experiencing limerence, the person of interest is seen as flawless and perfect, an idealized version that may not align with reality.
This is known as the “halo effect,” as the mind creates an idealized version of the limerent object that may not align with reality.
This mindset often overlooks their faults and imperfections, further feeding the deep obsession.
4. Fantasy and Fond Hopes
Elaborate fantasies are created about a life with the person of interest.
They often imagine a future together and believe that they alone can make the person of interest happy.
5. Secretive Behavior
Limerence may cause individuals to hide their emotions from friends and family.
They become more secretive about their feelings towards the person of interest. This secretiveness can lead to a sense of isolation.
6. Stalking Behavior
One of the dangerous red flags of limerence is stalking,
This includes excessively monitoring the person of interest’s social media activity or even stalking them offline.
This obsessive behavior can have damaging effects on mental well-being, and professional or personal life, since the focus on the other person becomes all-consuming.
7. Possessiveness
Limerence is often marked by unrequited love.
The one-sided nature of feelings of intense desire to have them can cause severe emotional distress.
There’s a tendency to become possessive of the person of interest, viewing them as personal property and experiencing jealousy when they interact with others.
8. Unrequited Love
Limerence is often marked by unrequited love, causing severe emotional distress.
Despite a strong desire for intimacy and acceptance, the lack of reciprocation leaves individuals feeling inadequate and undeserving of affection.
9. Loss of Self-Esteem
As a result of unrequited desire, self-esteem may plummet, causing individuals to question their self-worth. This loss of confidence can lead to anxiety and depression.
10. Distress and Psychological Pain
The emotional strain of limerence can manifest as anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues.
Symptoms may include mood swings, inability to concentrate, and persistent feelings of sadness or hopelessness.
11. Physical Symptoms
Limerence can also result in physical symptoms, such as headaches, chest pains, stomach pain, or body aches, when thinking about or being in the presence of the person of interest.
These pains are often a response to the stress and emotional turmoil induced by the intense attraction and unrequited love.
Causes of Limerence
Numerous conditions have been associated with Limerence including Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD; Wakin & Vo, 2008) and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) (Willmott & Bentley, 2012), both involving excessive rumination (Curci, Lanciano, Soleti, & Rime, 2013; Horowitz, 1986).
Consistently, aspects of anxiety and depression, as well as addiction (Sack, 2012; Wakin & Vo, 2008; Willmott & Bentley, 2012) are noted in limerent individuals.
However, the extent and the relative expression of Limerence symptomology related to these conditions have not been assessed, with limited commentary on the subject warning of the potential error of oversimplification.
Four Stages of Limerence
- Early on, limerence can be thrilling and agonizing, as you become consumed with this person.
- Later, your passion and obsession may decay, and you may resume your normal life.
Limerence has at least four stages:
Stage 1: Crush
Crush is based on their physical looks or an ideal image you created in your mind. You’re attracted to them, but emotions are still manageable. Their thoughts have not consumed you yet.
Stage 2: Infatuation
You get more and more fixated on this person. You praise their good qualities and overlook their bad ones. When they’re close, you feel euphoric and can’t focus on anything else. You fantasize about a life together.
Stage 3: Frustration
The third stage is when frustration sets in. You become aware that they will not reciprocate your feelings. Anxiety and obsessive thoughts take over. The emotional turmoil makes you push them away.
Stage 4: Resignation
In the final stage, you resign. You accept that they will remain unattainable. You begin to disengage emotionally. Over time, your emotions fade and you regain control over your life.
How To Deal with Limerence
Limerence can have a significant impact on your life. However, the harsh truth is that many mental health clinicians are largely unaware of even the concept of limerence.
Limerence can be overwhelming and disorienting. Be gentle with yourself as you overcome limerence. Do not punish yourself for having strong emotions towards that one person.
1. Ground Yourself In Reality And Facts
You are not experiencing genuine love or admiration, but a crystallized mix of attraction, desire, and obsession.
- Take a step back and accept the facts of the situation. You can’t have them the way you want.
- De-fantasize yourself, and realize how you have unrealistic views and expectations of them.
- Be aware of your biased beliefs. They may call the police on you instead of welcoming you if you get too close to them.
- Realize they have their own relationships and priorities. They don’t need you to complete their life. So, you need to focus on other things in your life.
- Moreover, up close, they are not the perfect version of the person you are making out them to be. They have their flaws that you may not know of.
2. Slow Down And Don’t Rush Into Decisions
Rushing into decisions under the influence of limerence can lead to unintended consequences and regrets.
- Remain patient instead of making impulsive choices.
- Check yourself before making “life-changing” or “bold” decisions.
- Give yourself time to doubt your feelings and evaluate your options.
- Wait until your limerence has somewhat faded before rooting for your “emotional rights.”
3. Share Your Feelings With A Trustworthy Person
Your emotions are valid, even though you can’t control them. Sharing them with a trusted confidante can help you embrace your emotions without judging yourself.
- Your good friends and supportive family members are your sounding board and emotional support
- Talking about your feelings to them can provide a much-needed outside perspective on your issue.
- A non-judgmental listener can help you understand the difference between limerence and love.
- They can also dare to point out that you are wrong about your irrational feelings and cravings.
Sharing your emotional state can help you change your outlook on how relationships should be.
4. Seek Professional Help: Treatment of Limerence
Psychologists and therapists can help people with limerence by teaching them how to overcome the negative effects, develop healthy emotional bonding strategies, and improve their relationships.
There are not many clinical descriptions of limerence outside of Tennov’s book and Willmott and Bentley’s work “Exploring the Lived-Experience of Limerence: A Journey toward Authenticity” (2015).
- There are no diagnostic criteria or treatment protocols for limerence. Clinicians can use evidence-based treatment for Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD),
- Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) is a promising first-line treatment for limerence. Cognitive restructuring and behavioral activation can also be helpful in its treatment.
- ERP is a cognitive-behavioral therapy that involves gradually exposing the person to the feared stimuli while preventing them from engaging in compulsive behavior. The person realizes their feared stimuli are not dangerous. And learns to tolerate the anxiety that comes with exposure.
If you find it challenging to cope with limerence on your own, consider seeking help from a mental health professional.
Final Words
Sometimes, limerence can result in dangerous consequences:
- It can be a major cause of relationship and family breakdown, as well as being related to anti-social behaviors, including stalking and self-harm (Tennov, 2005).
- Rejection can cause the limerent person to develop a hypersensitive personality (HSP). Even the normal, daily rejections may cause them to react overemotionally.
- At its peak, limerence can make the person stalk or kidnap their love interest, or even hurt them.
√ Also Read:
- Celebrity Limerence: Why We’re Obsessed with Famous People
- Limerence and Midlife Crisis: Understanding the Connection
- 6 Common Limerence Triggers You Should Be Aware Of
- Here Are 10 Signs That Your Limerence Is Ending
- Summary of Tennov’s Book: Love and Limerence
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