Chapter-Wise Summary Of Dorothy Tennov's Love And Limerence

Dorothy Tennov’s groundbreaking book, Love And Limerence, is a fascinating dive into the psychology of a romantic emotion that has never been named.

The book remains a primary resource for understanding the complex emotions that arise in what is known as limerence.

Limerence grows on a different soil than love — it is mad love, more of an infatuation, that can ruin the lives of the victim and the target.

Tennov’s arbitrary coinage, limerence, explains the chemistry of this one-sided romantic attraction as a third kind of desire, separate from romantic love and erotic desire.
Tennov says limerence is not better or more important than other types of desires or attractions, but it is more powerful than others in almost all cases.
Limerence is often experienced by people who can’t frequently meet with, or talk to, the person they have these strong feelings for.
Limerence is usually unrequited or unspoken, but if feelings are reciprocated, limerent behavior stops and either loving or distancing behavior begins.

Tennov’s book is based on research and tells many real-life anecdotes that make the idea of a third kind of desire relatable and engaging.

Link to buy the book on Amazon: Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love by Dorothy Tennov.

A Quick Summary of Love and Limerence

Dorothy Tennov’s “Love and Limerence” explores an intense, irrational, and uncertain romantic obsession that is unlike love. Tennov named it limerence, a desire for attachment that can strike anyone regardless of age, sex, or background. It is often ended through consummation (mutual love), starvation (rejection), or transformation (transferring limerence to another person).

Chapter-Wise Summary of Dorothy Tennov’s Love and Limerence

Here is a chapter-wise summary of Love and Limerence:

The Beginning

I coined the word “limerence.” It was pronounceable and seemed to me … to have a “fitting” sound.” — American psychologist Dr. Dorothy Tennov

Tennov describes limerence as a desire for romantic love, not love. It is similar to the early stages of, but not the same as, falling in love. Limerence is not the product of human decision: It is something that happens to us.

The most disturbing characteristic of limerence is that it takes hold only in conditions that sustain both hope and uncertainty. The person feeling limerence has many types of strong feelings and desires towards their target person, who may not reciprocate any of those.

Limerence can start quickly and change the way the limerent person perceives someone, whether it’s an old friend or a new acquaintance.

The mystery of limerence lies in its unpredictability; it can strike at any time, towards any person, often when least expected.

Read: 6 Common Limerence Triggers You Should Be Aware Of

The Individual Experience of Limerence

Limerence enters your life pleasantly. Someone takes on a special meaning. It may be an old friend unexpectedly seen in a new way. Or it may be a new person, someone who only a week before, perhaps just yesterday, was unknown to you. …

You admire, are physically attracted, you see, or think you see (or deem it possible to see under “suitable” conditions), the hint of possible reciprocity, and the process is set in motion.

People who are in limerence are called “limerents” and those who are not are called “nonlimerents.”
The person for whom one feels limerence is called the “limerent object”(LO). The limerent person obsesses over their LO, craving reciprocation of their feelings.

Limerence typically starts as a slight interest in someone, and can quickly escalate into a powerful emotion of infatuation.

It is a complex mental process. The limerent person has a unique way of interpreting events related to their target person.

The limerent can go through a rollercoaster of emotions:

They can feel euphoria, concluding from certain actions of their LO that they ‘secretly’ reciprocate their feelings.
They can sink into despair when they feel their LO does not care about them, and their future together is uncertain.
When the limerence is strong, it can overshadow the limerent person’s all other relationships, alienating them from their long-term friends and confidantes.

The Other Sides of Limerence

Limerence can live a long life sustained by crumbs. Indeed, overfeeding is perhaps the best way to end it. It bears a definite resemblance to the condition of the laboratory rats and pigeons who continue to press the bar or peck at the disk even when the probability of food reward is gradually diminished.

Limerence can be a solitary experience, often unknown to even close friends of the limerent individual. However, when reciprocated, it can lead to a deep connection between two people.

Limerence is made up of:

Obsessive thoughts about the object of your affection (LO), who could be a romantic partner or even someone unaware of your feelings.
A strong yearning for reciprocation, a desire for the LO to share the same feelings.
Mood dependency on the LO’s actions, or more specifically, your interpretation of their actions in terms of potential reciprocation.
Fear of rejection and a sense of discomfort (heartache or chest pain) or shyness around the LO, particularly in the initial stages or whenever there is uncertainty.
A feeling of elation or buoyancy when it appears that the LO reciprocates the feelings.
A general intensity of emotion that overshadows other concerns, pushing other worries to the back of your mind.

Yet, the intensity of limerence can also lead to heartbreak, especially when the feelings are not reciprocated.

In some cases, the limerent person may even transfer their feelings to a new LO, starting the cycle anew.

The Social Effects of Limerence

Quite often, however, it is the limerent, rather than the nonlimerent partner who terminates the relationship. Very often the break is accompanied by a “scene,” which leaves the nonlimerent person saddened, distraught, and lonely.

Limerence can significantly impact a person’s social life:

Limerence can make people act in almost anti-social ways.
The desire to be with or around the LO can lead to changes in behavior that others may notice. The limerent may be frequently absent-minded.
Limerence can also cause emotional instability, with rapid mood swings from happiness to sadness.
In a way, limerence may infuse a sense of excitement into the lives of those who may otherwise find their existence dull and monotonous.

Limerence can also make the person focus intensely on self-improvement.

They may start an exercise or makeup routine to improve their looks.
They can start to upgrade their appearance and clothes to attract the LO.
They can become very interested in and knowledgeable about whatever is important to LO.

The Opinions of Philosophers, Psychologists, and Other Experts

In some ways, a woman’s limerence for a male psychotherapist is as difficult to escape from as is limerence for a brutal husband. It is an aspect of his socially agreed-on role that he be not only polite, but warm, understanding, compassionate, concerned, etc., and that he focus his attention on his “patients” in a very intimate and personal way. Furthermore, the very nature of the situation provides both obstacles and a rationalization for his reluctance to admit any positive feeling he may have for a “patient.”

Many philosophers and psychologists have explored the concept of limerence, often linking it to cultural influences.

Tennov feels that while culture may shape our understanding of love, it doesn’t necessarily dictate the experience of limerence. She mentions that psychologist Albert Ellis criticized limerence for its irrationality and potential harm.

Ellis advised therapists to help their clients abandon their limerent “philosophies.” He argued that his rational/emotive system (REBT) allowed a person to experience intense, even romantic, love while avoiding the usual drawbacks such as insecurity, anxiety, and grief.

Tennov also highlights the potential negative impacts of limerence, such as emotional dependence and the potential for obsession.

Limerence Among the Sexes

The image of woman as being in greater need of love could well result from a cultural upending of the actual inherent tendency. The social forces operating on her—and it cannot be denied that throughout modern history they have operated quite harshly—permitted no other role than one in which she required the protection of a male. If love were not a major concern, she might find herself literally left out in the cold.

Based on Tennov’s research, it seems likely that limerence affects both men and women equally, although societal pressures may influence how each expresses their feelings.

Men may feel the social pressure to not admit that they deeply love someone.

Research suggests a link between marital status and overall happiness, which may be shaped by societal norms, personal satisfaction, and relationship dynamics.

“Being married was 3.4 times more closely tied to the variance in happiness than was cohabitation, and marriage increases happiness equally among men and women. Marriage may affect happiness through two intervening processes: the promotion of financial satisfaction and the improvement of health. These intervening processes did not replicate for cohabitants.” — Marital Status and Happiness: A 17-Nation Study, Steven Stack and J. Ross Eshleman

The cultural roles of men and women can also shape the experience of limerence, with women often more likely to admit to emotional dependence.

Moreover, women are more likely to feel sympathy and compassion when they see other people in distress, and this could be mistaken for romantic love.

Limerence and Biology

The most consistent result of limerence is mating, not merely sexual interaction but commitment, the establishment of a shared domicile, a cozy nest built for the enjoyment of ecstasy, for reproduction, and, usually, for the rearing of children.

Limerence is not just a psychological phenomenon; it has biological roots as well. It often begins around puberty and can lead to intense emotional experiences.

From a biological and reproductive perspective, limerence has this advantage over someone who just might want a casual relationship and no marriage or kids from their lover.

Limerence can lead to mating and reproduction, suggesting a potential evolutionary advantage.

Can Limerence Be Controlled?

Limerence is not the product of human decision: It is something that happens to us. Its intrusive cognitive components, the obsessional quality that may feel voluntary at the moment but that defies control, seem to be the aspect of limerence in which it differs most from other states.

Tennov identifies only three things that can reliably end limerence:

Consummation: the bliss of reciprocation is gradually either blended into a lasting love or replaced by less positive feelings.
Starvation: even limerent sensitivity to signs of hope is useless against the onslaught of evidence that LO does not return the limerence.
Transformation: limerence is transferred to a new LO.

Controlling limerence can be challenging, especially once it reaches a certain intensity. Here are some ways to control it:

Understanding the nature of limerence may help, though knowledge of limerence will not prevent its occurrence. One may still fall into limerence despite knowing all about it.
Strategies include cutting off contact with the LO, focusing on personal growth, and seeking professional help if necessary.
One logical approach involves a detailed examination and listing of the faults, shortcomings, and flaws of the person one is obsessed with, that is, the LO. However, merely emphasizing the negative aspects of LO doesn’t necessarily lead to the end of limerence.

Tennov ends Love and Limerence with optimism for future research.

Related Books

Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel: On how to maintain desire in long-term relationships.
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman: On how different people express and receive love.
Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller: On how attachment styles in adults impact romantic relationships.
The Chemistry Between Us by Larry Young and Brian Alexander: On how biological factors drive attraction and attachment.

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Chapter-Wise Summary of Dorothy Tennov’s Love And Limerence