• Mar 29, 2025 • Read in ~11 mins
— By Dr. Sandip Roy.
“Flying monkeys” are remote-controlled narcissistic enablers. They do the narcissist’s dirty work. They are people who abuse the victim by proxy.
- Your alienated narcissist will send them to you to get you back into their web.
- They often arrive as a well-wisher or empathizer when you’re giving your breakup or separation.
- These third parties are often common friends or family, who play the narcissist’s toxic sales pitch.
The term “flying monkeys” comes from Frank Baum’s novel The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. In it, the Wicked Witch sends her winged monkeys to terrorize Dorothy and abduct her dog.
The narcissist’s flying monkeys do the same. They try to sway, threaten, and humiliate the victim on behalf of the narcissist.
First, spot them before they unleash their agenda. Second, stop them without hesitation. Find out how to.
How to stop a narcissist’s flying monkeys?
First, identify these flying monkeys. Then disable them to put an end to the narcissist’s abuse.
1. Stand by your lived experience.
Spot the narcissist’s flying monkeys as early as possible. They will, whoever this monkey is, will always advocate for the narcissist.
They can ask you to forgive the narcissist, tell you how he is suffering, or what a gem of a person he is.
Don’t let them gaslight you — it’s their way of messing with your mind. Only you know the true version. It is what you lived through.
Resolutely stand by your story, whatever the pressure from those flying monkeys.
Stand by your story.
They can remind you of the happier times you had with your narcissist.
Decline every version of a “good experience” that these monkeys ask you to recall. You did not have to remember or feel good about any experience with your narcissist abuser.
Tell them, “I know what I went through, and I won’t make it less toxic by remembering what good happened. In any case, the bad he did far outweighs the sum of all the good he ever did.”
2. Shut down a flying monkey.
Once you can read what they are trying to do, let them know.
Tell them you understand that they are trying to advocate for and put in a good word for your abuser.
And you want them to stop immediately. Else, you will break ties with them.
They may be naive, and may have no clues about being played against you. Educate them on how your narcissist’s brain works its tricks.
Even if they are a close friend or family member you would rather not distance yourself from, don’t mince words.
Tell them you stand by what happened to you and will not take their interpretation of the narcissist.
And that if they don’t stop their dirty tactics, you will break off your ties with them. Warn them that you may even report them to the legal authorities.
3. Refuse to react unemotionally.
Do not engage with the flying monkeys at an emotional level when it comes to them discussing your relationship with the narcissist.
Don’t show anger, frustration, or sadness. Don’t acquiesce to discussing the fond memories of the relationship with them.
You may talk to them as you would usually do for all other matters. However, disconnect emotionally at the first drop of a suggestion to patch up with the narcissist.
If they don’t get the hint, tell them frankly that you do not want to talk about the toxic relationship. Inform them that your decision to have broken away from the narcissist is final.
If, after all your explaining, they don’t change their ways, ignore them completely.
Use the “gray rock” technique to deflect them entirely. Learn how to gray rock a person. It will help maintain your calm.
4. Turn the flying monkey against the narcissist.
This may seem like reverse manipulation, but it’s poetic justice.
Tell them about the atrocities of the narcissist that they are not aware of. Let them know of the narcissist’s manipulativeness and how they have twisted your reality by gaslighting.
Tell the flying monkeys how they have been manipulated by the narcissist. Tell them how they can use and throw away any person/
Be clear: You don’t need a savior. And that their perception that the relationship needs saving is a figment of their imagination.
5. Offer them what the narcissist offers.
This is sweet revenge.
The flying monkeys are most likely to accept favors from the narcissist, like gifts, dinners, trips, praises, money, or other benefits.
Ask them what they are getting from the narcissist to act on their behalf. They tell them you can offer them the same, or even more, to stop doing what they are doing.
If they agree to accept benefits from you, you may play them against the narcissist.
Ask the flying monkeys to:
- Refuse the narcissist’s offerings,
- Oppose their suggestions, and
- Decline to act as they want.
Who are the flying monkeys of narcissistic abuse?
When a narcissist is abandoned by a close relationship, and cannot contact them directly, they use their flying monkeys.
They recruit their own or the victim’s friends, coworkers, and family to convince the victim to go back to the narcissist.
The flying monkeys of a narcissist are people taken over by the narcissist, through charm and charisma, but at times through fear or intimidation.
These people become like drones for their masters, doing whatever they are told in order to gain their masters’ crumbs of favor.
Sometimes, the narcissist may recruit digital experts like hackers and detectives, or perverts like stalkers and thieves, to carry out their nasty agenda.
What types of people become flying monkeys?
1. Flying monkeys of covert narcissists
Some flying monkeys are gentle and benevolent and will reiterate what you gained from your relationship with the narcissist.
They will try to make you understand why “you two are soulmates” and that you should get back to them.
They may tell you, “He’s not as bad a guy as you decided. He has been very good with me.”
These narcissist enablers are often victims of a covert narcissist.
2. Flying monkeys of grandiose narcissists
The other type of flying monkeys are the vicious types who will abuse you on behalf of the narcissist.
They may shout at you in public places or when you are among your friends or coworkers. They can even blame you for being a gold digger, drawing benefits from the (narcissistic) person.
They label you as a selfish person who has deserted them because you have nothing more to gain from them. These enablers are often prey to the grandiose type of narcissist.
How do narcissists trap their flying monkeys?
Narcissists are masters of manipulation. Their lying stories are so beautiful that you fall to believe them even when you know they are lying.
They have an uncanny ability to attract people into their web of manipulation. They begin grooming the people close to you from an early stage in your relationship.
Often, the victim does not even know what has happened until it is too late.
Then, when the victim realizes their true nature and leaves the relationship, the narcissist sends in their flying monkeys to torture them and get them back.
These flying monkeys themselves do not realize that they have been taken over by the narcissist’s influence.
They fail to grasp that they have fallen victim to the narcissist’s charm and charisma. However, sometimes the narcissist may use fear or intimidation to tame these monkeys.
These people are remote-controlled by the narcissist, doing whatever they are told to stay in the good books of their master.
How do flying monkeys damage you, the victim?
Flying monkeys are great at gaslighting (by proxy) and denying your reality, getting involved in triangulation and gossip to keep the narcissist happy by generating more chaos. And getting caught up in ‘smear campaigns’ and other ways of besmirching you, that seems to keep them allied with the narcissist, or just enjoying the drama of it all.
— Dr. Ramani Durvasula, PhD and Clinical Psychologist
How flying monkeys operate and damage a narcissist’s victim:
1. Identity theft
The flying monkeys could be hackers and phishers that the narcissist may employ to steal their victim’s identity. They may use it to steal their money or defame them.
2. Hot potato pass
This involves a narcissist using their monkeys to dump their toxic emotions and opinions on the victim. Like, “You were never as good at your art as you claimed.”
3. Sadistic gaslighting
This is a given. They will use all kinds of lies and fabrications on you with resources supplied by the narcissist. They may even take to spreading gossip about things you never did.
[Gaslighting is different from brainwashing. The gaslighter manipulates the victim into doubting their own reality, thoughts, and feelings. This leads the victim into confusion and self-doubt, giving more control to the abuser over them.]
4. Silent treatment or no contact
The flying monkeys may try to go cold with their interactions with you just because you broke up with the narcissist.
This is especially painful if they are a close friend or family member you have always looked up to.
5. Jekyll and Hyde persona
Narcissists carefully craft a pleasing public persona to be well-liked. They wear a mask to hide their dark side. They teach this technique to their monkeys. Then these flying monkeys will abuse you brutally in private, but appear so gentle and polite with you in public.
6. Narcissistic triangulation
Triangulation is an essential tool of every narcissist. They use it to veneer over their insecurities and boost their self-worth.
They often train their flying monkeys into it. Skilled in the art of gossip and lies, their flying monkeys will then carry out this tactic, ready to turn people against you.
- One, they tell you how the narcissist has been so good to them and all others, that it is a mystery that you find them obnoxious.
- Two, they will tell others how selfish and nasty you are.
FAQs
Why do flying monkeys protect and believe the narcissist?
Flying monkeys work under the handed-down belief that the narcissist desperately needs his relationship to be saved. They believe the narcissist is deeply suffering without the person they love. These people also fear that they may do something self-harming if the other person doesn’t return to them.
They feel it is in the best interests of both people to stay in a relationship. So, they go out and coerce the victim to go back to the narcissist.
These flying monkeys are mostly unaware that they have been manipulated by the narcissist to do their dirty work. They are disillusioned that they are doing good for both parties and that the (toxic) relationship is worth saving.
What motivates flying monkeys to do what the narcissist wants?
1. The flying monkeys are made to think the narcissist’s relationship needs saving, and only they can make it happen.
2. They may be naturally toxic people who are desperate to harm another person to gain the narcissist’s favor.
3. They may be emotionally immature to realize that the narcissist has manipulated them; and
4. They might genuinely believe that their acts of cruelty would ultimately serve to benefit both parties.
5. The flying monkeys may not realize that they will be discarded by the narcissist once they have achieved (or failed in) their mission.
Final Words
Deep down, most narcissists feel worthless and miserable. Their fragile self-worth is open to jealousy and envy.
They covet to be as much loved by others as they love themselves. But when this does not work out, they unleash their revengeful nature as narcissistic rage and flying monkeys.
If you see a narcissist’s flying monkeys coming at you, get all the help that you can get. Do not let them convince you to reunite with the narcissist after leaving them.
Get out of their abusive influence and build a healthy life for yourself.
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√ Also Read: How To Respond To Narcissistic Hoovering?
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