Narcissistic Relationship Cycle — 4 Seasons of Torture

Reading time: 12 minutes

Narcissists are emotional leeches, but their charms can be hard to resist.

And once you fall for one, the four stages of the relationship form a slippery slope. Each stage, with a different season of emotional torture, blends into the next.

They make you dependent on them to the point where you can’t make your own decisions.

Even when you break up with them, a part of you strongly wants to go back to them (called trauma bond addiction).

The Narcissistic Relationship Cycle

The typical narcissistic relationship cycle has four stages – love bombing, devaluation, discard, and hoovering. They come in a cycle in that order.

1. Love Bombing: The Dreamlike Beginning

• What it is: Love bombing is when the narcissist floods their target with attention, affection, and over-the-top gestures.
• Why it happens: Narcissists need supply — people who will boost and maintain their grandiosity. So they love-bomb you to draw you into their fantasy world.
• How it feels: It’s like a whirlwind of charm, charisma, and love. It feels and seems like a fairy tale come true, much like when you meet your perfect partner.

Love bombing or the idealization phase of the narcissistic relationship cycle is intense. Its goal is narcissistic self-enhancement through gaining power and control over your life.

To work their charms on you, they will overwhelm you with excessive shows of love, constant attention, and extravagant gestures and gifts. This creates an illusion of a perfect relationship.

The most dangerous type of love-bombing is when they act self-deprecating while praising your qualities.

They may use phrases like “You’re way out of my league,” “I don’t know if I deserve such a beautiful soul like you,” or “I am sorry you have to put up with a failure like me.”

This weaponizes your empathy and triggers your savior complex — a psychological phenomenon that causes people to believe they are responsible for helping others.

As a result, you will have empathic episodes and make impulsive decisions to uplift them from their ‘poor’ state in life.

Start of Love Bombing

Love bombing starts from first contact. It goes through:

• Magnetic Allure: They will paint this phase with phrases like a “magical connection” or “whirlwind courtship.” Through their potent mix of charm, charisma, and confidence, it feels as though you’ve stepped into a dream. This stage frequently dazzles with expensive tokens of love, from unexpected travel trips to thoughtful gifts and ceaseless communication.
• Being Idolized, Yet Vulnerable: In this phase, you feel revered and idolized, as if set upon a pedestal. You don’t even notice that being so high up can unsettle you with the slightest push. The inevitable fall, when this phase begins to wane, is quite jarring.
• Dismissing the Warning Signs: The intoxication at this phase can cloud your judgment. Even if there’s an inner voice telling you that things are moving too fast, you silence those concerns. You even silence others who warn you from falling for the narcissist.

Strutzenberg & Wiersma-Mosley, 2017, explored love-bombing among 484 young adults. They found that love-bombing was positively correlated with narcissistic tendencies and insecure attachment styles (lack of trust or value in self and others), and negatively associated with self-esteem.

Evolution of Love Bombing

• Initial Intensity and Decline: Love bombing, while intense, is typically short-lived, typically lasting 6–12 weeks. As the narcissist senses your unwavering commitment, there’s a palpable shift. This leads to the devaluation phase where criticisms arise, diminishing your worth in their eyes. The culmination is the discard phase, marked by decreased attention, hostile messages, and a growing sense of unease.
• A Vicious Cycle: The allure of love bombing can be likened to an addiction, especially as you find yourself yearning for that initial euphoria. Beware, as some narcissists, sensing this vulnerability, might re-initiate the love bombing after a breakup, ensnaring you once more.
• Diminishing Returns: With each cycle, the intensity of love bombing wanes. The once extravagant gestures might dwindle to the point where even minimal affection feels rewarding, having been starved of genuine emotional connection for so long.
• Beyond Material Gestures: It’s crucial to recognize that love bombing extends beyond material gifts. It can manifest as possessive behaviors. Narcissists might demand incessant communication and quality time, which, while seemingly endearing at first, can quickly become suffocating.

2. Devaluation: The Hurtful Reality

Devaluation is a pivotal phase in narcissistic relationships. They simply detach from you, physically and emotionally.

It’s marked by a stark shift from adoration to contempt. What once felt like unwavering affection gives way to criticisms, scornful remarks, and emotional withdrawal.

This often jolting transition unveils the narcissist’s internal turmoil and their end of patience, projecting their self-loathing onto their unsuspecting partner.

• What it is: The shift from being placed on a pedestal to facing criticism and contempt.
• Why it happens: When the narcissist’s fantasy wanes, their self-loathing is projected onto their partner.
• How it manifests: Emotional turmoil, constant criticisms, and feeling bewildered by the sudden shift.

Start of Devaluation

• From Adoration to Contempt: The shift to devaluation starts once the intoxicating love-bombing phase fades out. The compliments now morph into criticisms and scornful remarks. Affection, which was abundant earlier, starts to wane.
• Emotional Projection: A significant driver behind this change is the narcissist’s internal struggles. Their inherent self-loathing gets redirected onto their partner, creating a tumultuous emotional environment.
• Jarring Transitions: The onset of devaluation often catches partners off-guard. It typically surfaces once they’ve become comfortable and settled in the relationship, making the sudden pivot from warmth to criticism particularly bewildering.
• Personal Vulnerabilities: Individuals from backgrounds marked by invalidation or past narcissistic abuse may be especially susceptible to the highs and lows of such relationships. For many, the feeling of finally being seen and acknowledged by the narcissist is powerful, especially if they’ve grappled with feelings of invisibility in prior relationships.

Evolution of Devaluation

• The Cycle Continues: Devaluation doesn’t remain static; it evolves. The initial criticisms become more frequent and cutting, and the moments of affection become rarer.
• Anticipating the End: As devaluation intensifies, the relationship is ushered into the discard phase. This period is marked by stark emotional distance, hostile interactions, and a palpable tension. It feels cold, often leaving the partner feeling rejected and discarded.
• The Victim Play: It’s not uncommon for narcissists to manipulate the narrative in their favor. Many will position it, so their partner feels compelled to initiate the breakup. This allows the narcissist to maintain a victim persona, deflecting any blame and responsibility.
• Seeking Answers: Partners often seek closure, attempting to understand the drastic shift in dynamics. Yet, this pursuit frequently proves fruitless, as narcissists seldom acknowledge, let alone understand, the pain they inflict.

3. Discarding: The Emotional Abandonment

Discarding is a suddenly served cold cut. The narcissist distances themselves and cuts ties, often without closure or explanation.

This sharp break is not just an emotional withdrawal but a complete severance, creating a void in the relationship.

This disconcerting casting aside shift is driven by the narcissist’s desire for novelty or a need to exert total control, leaving the discarded one feeling confused and abandoned.

• What it is: The narcissist often abruptly ends the relationship or becomes cold and indifferent.
• Why it happens: Triggered by boredom or a need for something novel.
• How it feels: Cold, abrupt, and often leaving the partner feeling lost and abandoned.

“When discarding a partner, they are ultimately discarding parts of themselves they are dissatisfied with by not addressing the realities which may be being presented to them.”

– Vickie Howard (2019) Recognising Narcissistic Abuse and the Implications

Start of Discard

• The Distinct Change: As the devaluation phase evolves, the relationship inevitably progresses into the discard phase. This stage is marked by a stark reduction in attention, increasingly hostile messages, and a prevailing sense of unease.
• Cold Abandonment: At the heart of the discard phase is the narcissist’s act of pushing the partner away, often with an air of indifference or even cruelty. This isn’t merely a phase of neglect; it typically feels like an active rejection.
• Underlying Triggers: Various underlying emotions and desires fuel this shift. It could be the narcissist’s growing boredom with the current relationship, an increasing sense of contempt for the partner, or a yearning for novelty and new experiences.

Evolution of Discard

• A Calculated Victimhood: One of the most challenging aspects of the discard phase is the way it often concludes. Many narcissists will manipulate the situation so that their partner feels compelled to end the relationship. This maneuver allows the narcissist to adopt a victim’s role, portraying themselves as wronged, even if their behavior was the catalyst.
• The Emotional Toll: The coldness of the discard phase is particularly jarring. Partners feel abruptly abandoned, left grappling with the stark contrast from the earlier phases of the relationship.
• Seeking Closure and Clarity: In the aftermath, the victim-partners seek closure and explanations, wanting to understand the reasons for the drastic change. This quest for answers, unfortunately, rarely provides clarity. Narcissists, entrenched in their self-centered perspectives, seldom offer genuine insights into why they broke up. And you can forget about their ever acknowledging the pain or the damage they caused.

4. Hoovering: The Manipulative Return

Hoovering in a narcissistic relationship is when the narcissist tries to pull you back in after a break or a cool-down period.
It can feel like the love bombing phase happening all over again, with attention, affection, and possibly gifts flooding in.

For many, it might seem like a genuine attempt at reconciliation. However, it’s often just another tactic for the narcissist to regain control and keep the relationship cycle spinning.

• What it is: A tactic to draw the target back into the narcissist’s web, sometimes resembling love bombing.
• Why it happens: To regain control, feel victorious, or respond to a perceived threat, like the target moving on.
• How it manifests: From insincere promises of change to showering affection, it’s a potent mix of guilt, hope, and manipulation.

Start of Hoovering

• Understanding Hoovering: At its core, hoovering is a manipulative tactic where narcissists seek to pull you back into the relationship.
• Re-engagement Tactics: It typically involves a revival of the love bombing phase. They will once again flood you with affection, promises, and gestures that wowed you in the first place. The aim is to fulfill your desire for validation while triggering guilt for the breakup.
• The Inauthenticity: While hoovering can rekindle hopes of a better future, it is never an authentic gesture. The narcissist is pretending to regret and fake-promising to mend their ways. As soon as you go back to them, they will restart the same toxic cycle.
• Familiar Patterns: The allure of hoovering can feel like an emotional roller coaster, evoking familiar feelings from your past, making the pull even stronger.

Evolution of Hoovering

• Empathic Vulnerability: Empaths, with their heightened sensitivity, can be particularly susceptible to hoovering. The weight of guilt post-breakup can make them prime targets for narcissistic manipulation.
• Not Just About Romance: Hoovering extends beyond romantic dynamics. It can manifest in family environments and workplaces, where narcissistic individuals might wield guilt, control, or fear as tools to reel you back into their influence.
• Underlying Motivations: At the root, narcissists hoover to reassert control and feel triumphant. In professional settings, this could translate to promises of promotions or better roles, but the underlying toxic dynamics often remain unchanged.
• Resisting the Pull: The key to breaking free lies in recognizing hoovering for what it truly is: a continuation of the narcissistic cycle. Succumbing to it merely perpetuates the cycle, setting the stage for further pain. Embracing self-compassion and prioritizing one’s well-being are essential steps to resist the allure of hoovering and chart a path toward healthier relational dynamics.

Breaking Free From The Narcissistic Relationship Cycle

1. Awareness is Key: Recognizing the distinct phases, from love bombing to hoovering, is vital to guard against the narcissistic cycle.
2. Prioritize Self-Compassion: Rooting in self-compassion offers clarity. This stance means valuing personal well-being above the maneuvers of the narcissist.
3. Seek Genuine Connections: Authentic relationships don’t lean on overpowering beginnings. Differentiating true affection from narcissistic allure is crucial.
4. Understand Vulnerability: Empaths or individuals from families with narcissistic histories might be more susceptible.
5. Recognize Emotional Traps: Hope and fear can bind one in the cycle, but comprehending their manipulative use can empower escape.
6. Embrace Boundary Setting: Knowledge of these cycles is essential, yet actively setting boundaries and emphasizing personal well-being is the key to liberation.
7. Maintain Perspective: Even when pulled back into the cycle, it’s essential to retain an objective viewpoint, understanding that a narcissist’s behaviors reflect their issues, not the worth of the target.

Breaking free from a narcissistic relationship cycle requires awareness and courage. While it might feel safe and tempting to go back to them, especially when the narcissist plays the victim, you must resist.

Beware, your being highly empathetic and forgiving doesn’t mean sacrificing your mental peace and emotional health.

Make yourself remember the past rough times more than the future times you think you can set things right.

Final Words

Twenge & Campbell, 2003, found that narcissists displayed heightened anger and aggression after social rejection compared to non-narcissists. They responded aggressively both directly to rejecters and indirectly to third parties, but did not show such behavior after social acceptance.

Finally, in both family and professional environments, challenging a narcissist’s authority can lead to toxic fallout.

So, recognize their complex power plays and set strict boundaries to safeguard your well-being and dignity.

• You cannot fix a narcissist. That’s the job of therapists, provided the narcissist seeks help.
• Don’t judge yourself by their standards, and stay open for healthy relationships.

√ Please share it with someone if you found this helpful.

√ Also Read:

• Narcissistic Injury: What It Means And Why It Happens?
• Do Narcissists Have Empathy (Truth About Narc-Empaths)
• What Is Narcissistic Mirroring (What Makes It So Distinct)
• How To Stop Narcissistic Triangulation (And Why You Must)

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