Today's Monday • 5 mins read
The selfish or the self-centered person will charm you quickly, but that first impression is often the most misleading part of them.
Most of us know someone who keeps the spotlight on themselves. The conversation drifts back to them. Favors flow one way. Feedback bounces off.
Before the list, one correction. Many people assume that someone who uses “I” constantly is self-absorbed, but the research does not support that shortcut. A 2015 study of 4,811 participants across five labs found almost no link between narcissism and first-person pronoun use (Carey et al., 2015).
Pronouns tell you about the topic of a sentence and very little about the speaker. The better option is to watch the behavior pattern instead.
5 Signs of A Highly Self-Centered Person
1. Their Charm Arrives Fast
Self-centered people often make a strong first impression.
In a 2010 study, university students who scored higher on narcissism were liked more when they first met each other. Outside observers reached the same judgment from video alone, and even from a photo of the person’s clothing (Back et al., 2010).
That early advantage does not always last.
Research on trait self-enhancement found that people who inflated their self-view impressed others at first, but the edge faded as small groups met repeatedly over several weeks (Paulhus, 1998). These studies are small, so treat the pattern as a reason to wait, not a verdict.
2. Effort Runs One Way
Keep a simple ledger. Notice whether they remember your birthday, ask about your week, or show up when you need them.
One strained month means little. A relationship where you give steadily and they take steadily tells you something about how they see the arrangement.
3. Feedback Meets Defensiveness
Try a small, honest concern. Then watch what happens.
Some people say “I hear you” and adjust. Others minimize, reverse the blame, or change the subject. A person who cannot absorb a minor correction will struggle with a larger disagreement, and you will feel that difference over time.
4. Their Schedule Sets the Terms
Plans shift to suit them. Your time is flexible. Their time is fixed. They pick the restaurant, the time to talk, and what counts as urgent.
Logistics seem trivial, but repeated one-sided choices reveal how someone values your time.
5. Credit Goes In, Blame Goes Out
Shared wins become their wins. Shared losses become your fault. Listen to how they describe group projects, family decisions, and mistakes. The story they tell about who did what tells you how they manage their self-image.
How to Deal With The Self-Centered Person
- Set limits on your own behavior. You cannot control what someone else does. You can decide how much time you give, what you will help with, and how you respond.
- Keep explanations short. Long justifications give the other person more material to argue with. Say what you need, once, in plain words.
- Reduce the time you spend together. Shorter visits and fewer shared projects protect your energy. With a coworker or relative you cannot avoid, limit contact to the parts of the relationship you must manage.
- Don’t wait for them to change. People can change, but change usually requires seeing the pattern and working on it over a long period. Judge the relationship by what they do, not by what they promise.
- Check your own read. Confident people earn trust quickly. A 2018 study found that people often mistake narcissistic traits for high self-esteem, which others value, and that the positive first impression can mislead (Giacomin & Jordan, 2018). Ask whether the trust you feel comes from repeated actions or from one strong moment.
Everyone acts self-centered now and then, especially under stress or grief. Look for patterns across months, not single bad days.
References:
- Back, M. D., Schmukle, S. C., & Egloff, B. (2010). Why are narcissists so charming at first sight? Decoding the narcissism-popularity link at zero acquaintance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 98(1), 132-145.
- Carey, A. L., Brucks, M. S., Küfner, A. C. P., Holtzman, N. S., Deters, F. G., Back, M. D., Donnellan, M. B., Pennebaker, J. W., & Mehl, M. R. (2015). Narcissism and the use of personal pronouns revisited. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 109(3), e1-e15.
- Giacomin, M., & Jordan, C. H. (2018). The misperception of narcissism as self-esteem: Why narcissists are well-liked at zero-acquaintance. Journal of Personality. https://doi.org/10.1111/jopy.12436
- Paulhus, D. L. (1998). Interpersonal and intrapsychic adaptiveness of trait self-enhancement: A mixed blessing? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 74(5), 1197-1208.
Final Words
One selfish moment does not define a person. A steady pattern does. Track what someone does over several months, protect your time, and decide what you will accept. If a relationship keeps costing you more than it gives, you can step back without a dramatic confrontation.
The people who draw us in fastest are not always the ones who stay generous over time. That gap between the first meeting and the long run is where most of the useful information sits.
√ Also Read: How To Be In Self-Love Before Being In A Relationship
√ Please share this with someone.
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