Loneliness: What Causes It & How To Overcome It

✅ Today's Thursday • 📖 9 mins read

— By Dr. Sandip Roy.

Loneliness is a state of mind. You don’t have to be physically alone to feel lonely.

The missing piece that drives loneliness is meaningful human connections. Lonely people crave authentic relationships, but get surface-level interactions.

“Loneliness is a feeling that occurs when there is something missing or lacking in a person’s social relationships, or when the quality or frequency of their relationships with other people is less satisfying than they would like.” — British Red Cross

Loneliness has become a hidden global crisis in our hyper-connected world. Despite the world’s population of 8.23 billion people, more people than ever before report feeling lonely.

How Many People Are Lonely

Loneliness is an ongoing health crisis. The numbers show how widespread this is:

• 18% of people reported feeling often or always lonely. 75% of people who are always or often lonely did not know where to turn for support. Only 20% said they never experienced loneliness (Co-op & British Red Cross 2016).
• Two-thirds of 44,000 college students felt “very lonely” at some point within 12 months (American College Health Association, 2017).
• 40% of 20,000 Americans in a 2018 Cigna survey lacked meaningful relationships and felt socially isolated (Cigna, 2018).

How To Overcome Your Loneliness

75% of people who are regularly lonely say they do not know where to turn for support.

Overcoming loneliness requires a mix of approaches, as there is no single solution; different people need different kinds of support depending on the level of their loneliness.

Why Some People Withdraw Further (And How to Avoid This)

Loneliness can make people feel anxious, guarded, and prone to interpreting neutral cues as hostile. The hypervigilance and defensive behavior often push others away, increasing the isolation.

Watch out for:

• Defensiveness: Are you snapping, using sarcasm, or pulling away when you feel uncertain?
• Hostility: Are you interpreting neutral actions as rejection or reacting with undue anger?
• Avoidance: Are you cancelling plans, skipping events, or steering clear of people to avoid discomfort?

Practical steps to break the cycle:

1. Notice the pattern. Pause when you feel prickly or shut down, and label the emotion (e.g., “I’m feeling anxious and defensive”). Do not avoid or ignore the emotion.
2. Challenge assumptions. Ask yourself: what alternative, benign intentions could explain this person’s behaviour? Do not assume others mean you harm until you’ve considered benign explanations.
3. Start low‑stakes. Rebuild social practice with brief, low‑pressure interactions like a hello, a short chat with a neighbour, or a one‑hour class. Avoid diving straight into deep social situations and close relationships.
4. Use soothing self‑talk. Replace “They’ll reject me” with kinder alternatives like “I can try, and if it doesn’t work, I’ll learn from this.”
5. Practice repair. If you snap, offer a short apology within 24 hours. Make a short, honest repair attempt, like “Sorry. I’m stressed; I didn’t mean that.”) It shows your goodwill.
6. Self‑compassion after setbacks. Treat missteps as learning moments, not proof you’re unlovable. Practice self-compassion.

Why Others Reach Out Successfully (And How to Follow Their Lead)

Some people convert loneliness into outreach by becoming more attuned to social cues and turning discomfort into purposeful action. They seek warmth, signal trust, and persist despite small rejections.

How to emulate them:

• Tune into warmth. Notice friendly tones, smiling eyes, or small kindnesses and respond to those cues.
• Act deliberately. Schedule one social action per week (message an old friend, go to a meetup, volunteer). Small, repeated steps build momentum.
• Be open, not needy. Share brief personal details to invite reciprocity without overwhelming others. Ask simple, non-intrusive questions. Listen actively.
• Learn from feedback. If attempts don’t land, tweak your tone or settings rather than giving up.

Practical Strategies That Work

• Recognize the Warning Signs.
  If you feel persistently disconnected, accept that recognition is one step forward. 75% of chronically lonely people don’t know where to turn for help, so it’s okay for you to seek help.
• Invest in Relationship Quality Over Quantity.
  Focus on deepening a few existing relationships rather than collecting new connections. Share meaningful experiences with people you trust. Stay positive, as negativity and defensiveness in your interactions may push others away when you need connection.
• Address Seasonal Loneliness.
  Winter months often intensify loneliness due to reduced daylight and social activity. If you struggle with seasonal depression, consider light therapy or seasonal strategies with a clinician.
• Break Your “Isolation Bubble.”
  If you’re living in a self-imposed isolation bubble, actively break out of it. Schedule specific social activities, like coffee with a person, a weekly group class, or visiting a local attraction. Treat them like important appointments.
• Manage Technology Use.
  Set device boundaries. Don’t let screen time replace human interaction. Do not use phones during meals or when meeting people. Use apps to arrange in‑person meetups, not as substitutes for face-to-face talks.
• Avoid “Busy” as a Loneliness Cure.
  Many lonely people try to drown their feelings in work. But this “busyness” just avoids dealing with the real issue that you need to build a meaningful connection. Redirect some of your time and energy toward social places where you may meet like-minded people, like clubs, classes, or volunteering.
• Maintain Healthy Sleep Habits.
  Regular sleep, with consistent bedtimes and wake times, provides the energy for social engagements and helps reduce social anxiety. Aim for 7-8 hours of nightly sleep.
• Seek Support:
  Peer support groups offer practical strategies shared by others who have experienced loneliness. Consider therapy, especially if your loneliness has links to depression, anxiety, or past trauma.

Small, Immediate Actions (Starter checklist)

• Send one friendly message today to someone you trust.
• Book a 30–60 minute local activity this week (class, walk group, café).
• Put your phone away for one shared meal with your friend or family.
• If you lash out at someone close, make a short repair within 24 hours.
• Schedule a brief check‑in with a therapist or community connector if loneliness feels chronic.

How Severely Loneliness Hurts

Loneliness causes more than just emotional discomfort or sadness. It can damage health faster than many physical diseases.

Loneliness could be as harmful to health as smoking (Holt-Lunstad & Smith, 2010), and as high a risk as obesity (House & Landis, 1988).

A study of 1363 Swedes found loneliness has a link to 27% more risk of early serious health outcomes when compared to non-lonely people.

Loneliness rewires the brain in ways that work against our well-being:

• Increases defensiveness: John Cacioppo’s brain-imaging studies show lonely brains tend to focus heavily on self-protection when social threats appear. This reduces the lonely person’s ability to empathize and open up to others.
• Triggers depressive symptoms: This self-preservation shift makes the lonely person less likely to socially engage in order to avoid possible disagreements, which creates further isolation.
• Elevates morning cortisol: Raised morning cortisol (“stress hormone”) keeps your stress response on standby, preparing for “another difficult day,” which keeps the body in a heightened fight-or-flight mode.

The physical toll is severe. Lonely people stop caring for themselves, may not wash for months, eat poorly, and live sedentary lifestyles.

Psychologically, loneliness creates feelings of sadness, irritability, emptiness, and worthlessness. Research links chronic loneliness to social isolation, depression, and poor social skills.

What Causes Modern Loneliness?

Loneliness occurs when you believe your current social relationships are not meaningful enough.

Loneliness results from many complex and multi-layered factors:

• Lack of Connections: Lack of close, trustworthy relationships increases loneliness. Weak friendships, distant family, or frequent disagreements mean fewer sources of emotional support. Even regular contact can feel hollow if it’s superficial or strained. Workplaces that are competitive or transactional reduce opportunities for meaningful bonds. Life transitions, like moving city, retirement, breakup, or bereavement, can break existing networks and increase the likelihood of loneliness.
• Social & Cultural Norms: Cultural norms or social trends that prize hyper-independence or stigmatize emotional openness discourage people from seeking others’ help. Economic stresses, like long work hours, insecure work, and long commutes, limit time for relationships. Housing patterns and urban design can produce minimal public space, reducing social contact and raising loneliness risk.
• Community Issues: Weak or inaccessible local networks drive isolation. Absence of community hubs like clubs, libraries, or faith-based groups can make it hard to meet others with shared interests. Poor transport, unaffordable services, unsafe neighborhoods, and a lack of activities for various ages and abilities can cut people off from long-term social life.
• Individual factors: Personal health, income, confidence, energy, or emotions. Personality factors like low self-esteem, introverted natures, or social phobia (difficulty initiating contact) also increase the risk of loneliness.
• Chosen Isolation: Social isolation, or living alone, can create loneliness, which can lead to shorter life expectancies and higher risks of depression, self-harm, Alzheimer’s disease, cardiovascular disorders, and cancer.
• Online Activities: The rise of digital contact over in-person interaction is another major cause. Heavy use of online content and social media results in fewer family conversations, smaller social circles, shallower relationships, and emotional isolation.

A common and crucial factor linked to loneliness is a disruption to a person’s identity. A study by the British Red Cross & Co-op Group (2016) determined six groups of people whose identity has been disrupted and who are therefore considered at a particular risk of loneliness:

1. People recently divorced or separated: 33% of people who are recently divorced or separated said they always or often feel lonely.
2. People with health issues: 32% of people with long-term health conditions said they always or often feel lonely.
3. People with mobility limitations: 30% of people with mobility limitations said they always or often feel lonely.
4. Young new mums: 32% of young parents said they always or often feel lonely.
5. People recently bereaved: 54% of people who are recently bereaved and are regularly lonely said they wouldn’t know where to turn for help.
6. Retirees or people living without children at home: 46% of retirees who are regularly lonely said they wouldn’t know where to turn for help.

Final Words

Stop treating loneliness as a personal failing or social stigma. Loneliness is a universal human experience that can affect anyone, regardless of their social status, personality, or circumstances.

“To end loneliness, you need other people—plus something else. You also need to feel you are sharing something with the other person, or the group, that is meaningful to both of you. You have to be in it together—and ‘it’ can be anything that you both think has meaning and value.” — Johann Hari

√ Also Read: Loneliness vs. Solitude: Why You Must Know The Differences

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