Pain hurts, causes anguish, brings tears. Then there are pains that you grow fond of, and pains that you never recover from. But there is one thing you have always known about pain.
Only you can fully understand your pain. Pain is an exact individual experience.
No one else can feel the bits of it the way you do it. Your pain can hurt you like it can hurt none other.
Can Happiness Be Bad For You?
Is it possible to be in pain when you’re happy? Can your happiness hurt?
The four ways happiness can hurt you in a bad way:
- Overdosed on Happiness: Mania of Bipolar Disease
- Drunk on Happiness: Hubris Syndrome
- Lonely in Happiness: Pursuit of Happiness
- Afraid of Happiness: Cherophobia
We know when pain strikes, happiness leaves unannounced. But when happiness comes, pain can become a stalker, following you one step behind.
A citizen of the happiest country in the world is a useless tag for a person who isn’t happy. To a sad Swiss, it doesn’t matter that Switzerland is one of the happiest countries in the world. Perhaps, the same goes for happiness as well. Only you can sense the full spectrum of your happiness.
And, as with pain, you can be happy in your own ways. You can be happy in your calmness, loneliness, and singlehood. And you can also be happy in your exhilaration, sociability, and relationships.
There are times when happiness can cause pain. Indeed, sometimes happiness does hurt and cause deep pain. But how does happiness bring about human pain? And how to know when it does?You can fake your pain. And you can fake your happiness just as well. Click To Tweet
1. Overdosed on Happiness: Mania of Bipolar.
How would you feel if you were way too happy all your waking hours?
In fact, you were so busy being happy and having frantic thrills that you hardly sleep more than 2-3 hours a day? Not right, I’d guess.
Now get this.
In reality, there is a dangerous mental illness called bipolar disorder. In this, the patients suffer from extreme mood swings. They go from one pole to the opposite pole of the happiness meridian, that is, from mania to depression.
As they go through episodes of mania, they seem to be ‘overdosed on happiness’. In such times, they show:
- unrealistically high self-esteem,
- unusual levels of optimism, and
- excessive urges to talk non-stop (logorrhea or ‘verbal diarrhea’).
They walk around restlessly, bursting with high energy. All the while making countless grand plans while staying awake for almost 20 hours a day. Trainloads of thoughts and ideas race around at lightning speeds inside their heads. Also, sometimes they hallucinate — see and hear things that no one else does.
A person in a manic episode is deep into pleasureful acts. Now, most of their such acts often carry painful after-effects. They are into doing only those things that give them pleasure, whatever the cost or danger.
For example, they often go into uncontrolled donation sprees — giving away everything they own. It’s not only their money or possessions, they might even give away their pets and children.
They go on limitless shopping binges (well, as much as their credit cards would allow). They eat like they’re forever hungry and revel in sexual recklessness.
Sometimes, they even live out their fantasies — as wearing the Superman dress and cape, and jumping off high places.
You have to come across just one such hapless person, and you will redefine your whole idea of happiness. Their happiness will make you sad.Suicide is a real risk in bipolar, even in a manic phase. Click To Tweet
Suicide is a real risk for those with bipolar disorder, and it can happen even when they’re in a manic episode. Studies have shown that 25-50% of people with bipolar try to kill themselves.
There is also a milder form of this illness — hypomania. In this, patients work out of a “hyper-happiness” mode. They get into high-risk behaviors such as heavy drinking, binge eating, relentless dancing, sexual leching, and drug abuse.
This happiness hurts the most.
2. Drunk on Happiness: Hubris Syndrome.
Bertrand Russell called it an intoxication of power. But you and I may call it being drunk on power. That’s hubris.
Hubris originates from the Greek word hybris — so Greeks describe it the best. Aristotle in Rhetoric defined it as,
Hubris consists in doing and saying things that cause shame to the victim…simply for the pleasure of it.
Likewise, Plato expressed it in Phaedrus as,
When desire irrationally drags us toward pleasures and rules within us, its rule is called excess (hubris).
Lord Acton further said,
Great men are almost always bad men.
Don’t we agree?
Hubristic people find pleasure in treating others with meanness and mockery. Persons with hubristic attitudes usually come from the ruling, governmental, political, or high-wealth class. In fact, many of us believe that all politicians and their wealthy cronies are hubristic.
The best-known researcher on hubris is David Owen. He was a former Foreign Secretary in the UK government, a neurologist, and a psychiatrist. He coined the term Hubris Syndrome.
Owen has found that hubris involves
- excessive self-belief and confidence in their own judgment,
- near-absolute lack of empathy, along with
- recklessness, restlessness and impulsiveness.
Such a person finds happiness in exercising his power to put down others. According to him, notable hubristic personalities include Hitler, Stalin, Mao Zedong, Mussolini, Idi Amin, and Richard Nixon. Owen even includes George W. Bush, Tony Blair, and Vladimir Putin in his list.Hubris: This is the happiness that hurts others. Click To Tweet
In milder forms, this takes the shape of needless or worthless pride, alongside a shortage of empathy, and leads to aggressive and antisocial behavior towards others.
This is the happiness that hurts others.
3. Lonely in Happiness: Pursuit of Happiness.
Don’t you want to be happy? Don’t you want to go in pursuit of happiness?
Would you believe if I told you that happiness has a link with loneliness? You may not. Because we have always believed that the happier a person is, the more friends that person has. Even psychologists have been telling us that happiness gets us more friends.
But research has turned that belief upside down. If you go searching for happiness and friends, you might end up lonelier. In the first study, psychologists Iris Mauss, Craig Anderson, and Maya Tamir found that people who place a high value on trying to be happy end up feeling more lonely on a daily basis. It holds true for people 20-60 years of age.
In other words, pushing for happiness makes you feel rather lonely. What was that, now?
You read that right. In their paper, Mauss and her team wrote: “We suggest that wanting to be happy may have some surprising negative consequences. We argue that striving for happiness might make people lonely.”The more you want happiness, the more you feel lonely. Click To Tweet
In the second study, Mauss and her team gathered 43 female multi-ethnic undergrads. They showed them a 35-min happy or sad movie. It was ‘to activate themes of affiliation and intimacy’ in them. Afterward, they asked them to rate the extent to which they felt lonely on a scale of 1 to 9 (1 = not at all; 9 = extremely).
This second study also lead to a similar conclusion: People who were made to value happiness, felt greater loneliness.
This clears another confusion: Why do we actually feel less happy than our expectations?
It happens because our desire for happiness gives rise to a feeling of loneliness within us. So, we end up feeling less happy than we yearned to be.
Then, how to be happy? Don’t make happiness a goal to pursue. Don’t try to be happy. Just be.
This hunt for happiness leaves us lonely.
4. Afraid of Happiness: The Cherophobics.
I’m afraid to be happy.
This could be the strangest thing for you to read in this whole post. For some people, the idea of feeling good is what puts them in a panic mode. These people are afraid to express happiness. They feel an irrational fear of being happy.
This is cherophobia, although psychologists and psychiatrists avoid that term. They prefer to say ‘aversion to positive emotions’.
There have been studies into this phenomenon. In 2012, Dr. Paul Gilbert at Kingsway Hospital, England, found that a fear of happiness is often found in those with depression. Gilbert says:
Some people… feel uncomfortable if they are not always worrying. It is not uncommon for people to fear that if they are happy about something, it will be taken away.
Apart from depression, there is another aspect of it. Those who tend towards perfectionism may fear feeling happy. Because they suffer from a misconception that happy people are seen as lazy or shallow people.
Also, another reason could be that their fear of happiness is coming from the memory of past trauma, causing a form of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
This fear of happiness could be a cultural reality too. In some cultures, people grow up believing in popular sayings such as “Crying comes after laughing.” The cherophobics filter out the pleasures out of their range of emotions.
We can’t have the happiness of yesterday without the pain of today. That’s the deal. — Joy Gresham in the movie Shadowlands.
Mohsen Joshanloo, a psychology student at Victoria University of Wellington in New Zealand, developed a Fear of Happiness Scale that he published in the Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology in October 2013. Joshanloo’s measure was administered in over 14 countries and found to be particularly reliable and effective. It was found that countries with a culture that was more cynical, conformist, and hierarchical had higher rates of happiness aversion.
And that ‘Fear of Happiness’ was associated with lower levels of life satisfaction.
Those who tend to be perfectionists may fear feeling happy. Click To Tweet
This happiness is self-traumatic.
Here, in this video below, a psychologist explains why some people have an aversion to happiness, and deliberately avoid experiences that invoke positive emotions:
In conclusion, happiness can hurt. Happiness can pain. While it may be strange, but this is a reality. So, why be happy?
Let’s end this with these lines from the song ‘Silencer’ by the Philadelphia band mewithoutYou:
She put on happiness like a loose dress
Over pain I’ll never know
“So the peace you had,” she says,
“I must confess, I’m glad to see it go.”
We’re two white roses lying frozen just outside his door
I’ve made you so happy and so sad,
But which should I be more sorry for?
• • •
✶How do you embrace your negative emotions?
• • •
Author Bio: Written and reviewed by Sandip Roy—a medical doctor, psychology writer, and happiness researcher. Founder and Chief Editor of The Happiness Blog. Writes popular science articles on happiness, positive psychology, and related topics.
• Our story: Happiness Project
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