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Some narcissists are good at hiding their true traits: pretentiousness, entitlement, and insensitivity. Unmask these covert narcissist signs to expose them.Covert narcissists are covert in the sense that they do not readily reveal themselves as narcissists. Unlike their more expressive counterparts— the grandiose narcissists — they seem to be highly sensitive, caring, and compassionate people.
A covert narcissist is like a hermit who keeps a small, closed group of confidantes, whereas a grandiose narcissist is like the leader of a pack.
They are often incredibly talented, and often the top-performers in any field. While they might lack the skills to instantly charm others, they are good at secretly manipulating people.
If you were to go on a date with them, you’d find them attentive to your smallest needs and watchful of anyone who might offend you.
Psychologists call covert narcissism as vulnerable narcissism.
10 Covert Narcissist Signs You May Not Be Aware Of
Covert narcissists also go by other names, like closet narcissists or hidden narcissists.
They can seem socially anxious, hesitant, withdrawn, and introverted people. But inside, they crave attention and praise.
Here are ten (often missed) signs of covert narcissism:
1. Creating dependency
These people try to make the people who love them, depend solely on them.
This may have a secret fear that everything and everyone they have in life will vanish once their “covert” personality gets exposed. They also harbor feelings of insecurity and jealousy.
So, they try to mold the other person praising and caring for them to become dependent on them.
- They can “poison your ears” to separate you from your friends and family.
- Then, once you’re isolated from your support system, they will repeatedly abuse you.
- And then drill it into your mind that only they can help you get out of the distress you’re in.
It’s like conditioning you into becoming dogs with Learned Helplessness.
As a result, you lose faith in yourself to try to accomplish things on your own, always wary if your narcissist will criticize or punish you for failing.
2. Lack of confidence
Covert narcissists believe that they are superior to others. So, they often question executive decisions but lack the confidence to push back any challenge to their authority.
They often begin their careers as leaders or entertainers before rising to positions of power. It is then that people begin to notice the oddities in their behavior.
For example, despite being quite intelligent, they can’t stand divergent opinions on their ideas or decisions.
- As top leaders, their success in life often gets hampered by their fragile egos and lightning-fast virulent reactions to criticism.
- As subordinates, they cannot handle a confrontation well. At any instance of a conflict or challenge, they divert the focus or sulk away.
Brené Brown feels narcissists suffer from the shame of ordinariness. To shield their insecurity, they react with apathy and disdain for others.
When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose.”
— Brené Brown
3. Low self-esteem
Covert narcissists have low self-esteem. In comparison, grandiose narcissists have high self-esteem.
They are often insecure and fragile on the inside. And it shows — their low self-confidence is evident in social interactions.
They try to get noticed and praised by people to make up for their low self-worth.
- Self-esteem is a person’s overall evaluation of their own worth. It is typically measured on a scale from low to high.
- Narcissistic grandiosity is a personality trait characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance and a belief in one’s own superiority.
- The Narcissistic Grandiosity Scale (NGS) is a 16-item self-report scale that asks participants to rate how well they agree with statements such as “I am a natural leader” and “I deserve to be treated better than most people.” The NGS is a valid and reliable measure of narcissistic grandiosity (The Narcissistic Grandiosity Scale, Rosenthal & Hooley, 2019).
They may be very sensitive to criticism and may take it very personally. They may be envious of others who they perceive as being more successful or talented.
They may be very critical of themselves and may have a negative self-image, often believing they are not worthy of being appreciated or loved.
Many covert narcissists have a secret sense of shame, which they keep hidden from the people around them and even from themselves.
Covert narcissism is seen by some experts as a defense mechanism. This idea was originally proposed and popularized by Sigmund Freud. Accordingly, the human mind designed narcissism to protect the person from feeling inferior or inadequate.
Covert narcissism helps a person handle their feelings of shame and unworthiness that originate from a deep-seated inferiority complex.
[Inferiority complex = intense feelings of inadequacy from the belief that one is somehow less than others. Interestingly, the concept of the inferiority complex was first proposed by Freud’s contemporary and rival, Alfred Adler.]
One key sign is their dislike for the public spotlight. Unlike a grandiose narcissist, who thrives on being in the public eye, the covert kind cringes at the thought of a swarm of fans around them.
They expertly avoid questions about their personal lives and divert the questioner’s attention to what appear to be other important issues. This avoidance of scrutiny may be because they fear being exposed as having irrational beliefs of superiority while actually harboring low self-esteem.
“Narcissists have poor self-esteem, but they are typically very successful. They feel entitled; they’re self-important; they crave admiration and lack empathy. They are also exploitative and envious. The malignant types never forget a slight. They may kill you ten years later for cutting them off in traffic. But they act perfectly normal while plotting their revenge.”
— Janet M. Tavakoli
4. Need for control
Even though they appear shy and unassuming, covert narcissists exude an aura of power and superiority. You may be friends or partners, but you cannot ignore their sense of authority.
In close relationships, they often take time to establish themselves as the smarter ones, and then use this to control the other person.
Since they don’t like being in the spotlight, they try to control and manipulate others in subtle ways. For example, they will use “facts” and “quotes” to sway people’s opinions. Often these quotes and facts come from questionable sources.
They can become addicted to a source of validation. To satisfy this addiction, they may try to control the person into praising and validating them.
As they grow older, their need for control tends to go unfulfilled, as most people leave them because of their poor behavior.
5. Lack of compassion
These “hidden” narcissists often don’t look self-centered or egoistic.
- First, they hide it well — since they know people do not take self-centered behavior positively.
- Second, they usually have some ability to understand the other person’s thoughts and feelings.
So, they will throw in fake “Ohs!” and “Aahs!” at your stories, but won’t do much to ease your pain.
They can understand your pain, often better than others in your circle, but they can easily look past your misery, and make invent excuses for not helping you.
These coverts often have an utter lack of compassion — a facet of their devious nature. This may show up as scorn for other people’s feelings and plights.
They learn how to behave well with others and be friendly. But may slip at times — revealing their ruthlessly exploitive side and obsession with their bloated sense of superiority.
6. Fear of abandonment
The fear of being abandoned is often associated with covert narcissism.
They have a deeply entrenched insecurity of being left with no one to praise them or listen to their stories of how important they are.
Their self-worth is quite low, so they have to constantly seek validation to make themselves feel better about themselves.
So, when someone gets better than the narcissist or becomes less dependable for validation, it can trigger abandonment anxiety.
To be fair, abandonment anxiety can happen for any type of personality disorder, and it should be explored and addressed through therapy or self-reflection.
7. Lack of boundaries and selfishness
Covert narcissists may be shy or modest, but they have a poor sense of relationship boundaries.
The rank disrespect of other people’s psychological boundaries is one of their key traits. They can intrude into your personal space and personal time without feeling wrong.
They are also extremely selfish. They regularly use their charms to get others to give them what they want. But if you ask them for something, they won’t give it or do it pro bono.
As Sam Vaknin says, “Narcissists are not capable of love. They are only capable of using people.”
They can call you at 3 AM to ask for a favor. And then refuse to do something similar for you when you really need their help sometime later.
8. Being a pathological liar
They are often intelligent, charming, popular, and frequently successful in their careers. They usually have good relationships with friends, and it is rare to find them the subject of gossip or criticism.
But they are mostly pathological liars who lie to everyone about something.
That good-person veneer lets them get away with their lies and fake stories. Most of those make them masters of deception.
So much so that when you tell others about a covert narcissist lying, they find it unbelievable.
People who know these narcissists typically hold them in such high regard that they find it nearly impossible to believe they can lie.
Surprisingly, they’re really good at remembering which lie they told which person.
9. Tendency To Gaslighting
They are often experts at gaslighting — a manipulative tactic that erodes a person’s perception of reality, causing them to doubt their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
A gaslighter will often twist and deny your statements, thoughts, or memories to make you believe their version more than your own.
Some typical gaslighting statements are:
- “You didn’t say that at all.”
- “You are imagining the whole thing.”
- “You always make things up in your head.”
- “You’re being too sensitive; it was just a joke.”
- “You’re overreacting; it wasn’t that big of a deal.”
- “I never said that; you’re just trying to twist my words.”
- “I can’t believe you would think that; you’re being irrational.”
Long-term gaslighting can make the victim start to doubt their sense of reality and mental sanity.
Meanwhile, the covert narcissist gaslighter attains more control over their victims’ thoughts, opinions, and actions.
10. Intolerance of criticism
Narcissists are allergic to criticism and feedback, whether positive or negative. This is true for both the covert and the overt types.
It may because they haven’t learned to express their weknesseses or needs. So, they often react to suggestions, ideas, and opinions that scrutinize their judgments.
Their constant need for approval often leads them to viciously attack those who try to challenge or criticize them. Even when feedback is constructive, they can still perceive it as insult or criticism.
They are also known for being abusive to all, especially their close ones. If they attack a close friend, they can do so in a very hostile way
The covert narcissist is often frighteningly contemptuous of other achievers.
How to deal with a covert narcissist
These strategies can help you deal with a covert narcissist while protecting your own mental health:
- Set Healthy Boundaries: Every relationship must have boundaries, more so with narcissistic people. So, tell them clearly what behaviors are acceptable and what are not. Be firm in enforcing these boundaries to protect your emotional well-being.
- Limit Personal Sharing: Don’t share too much personal information too early. They may later use your vulnerabilities against you, especailly if you break up with them.
- Practice Assertiveness: Communicate your needs and feelings assertively. Use “I” statements to tell them how their behavior affects you, how you would like them to behave in the future. Don’t be accusatory.
- Stay Vigilant: Learn to recognize what they actually are beneath what they present themselves as. Be aware of their manipulative tactics and social influence (of being as sensitive and kind-hearted) to build a fake narrative about you.
- Document Interactions: Make it a habit to keep a record of the conversations, interactions, and incidents, with date and time. This helps you maintain evidence about what they said and did, to resist their gaslighting and attempts to distort your reality.
- Stay Calm and Composed: Maintain your emotional control, especially during heated interactions. They thrive on emotional drama, so staying calm can reduce their power over you. Accept their disagreements to prevent escalation, and maintain peace.
- Know When to Walk Away: If the relationship becomes too toxic or damaging, be prepared to distance yourself or end the relationship altogether.
- Focus on Self-Care: Prioritize your mental and emotional health through self-care practices, such as mindfulness, exercise, and engaging in activities that bring you joy. Build your self-esteem.
- Educate Yourself: Learn more about narcissism and manipulative people. It can empower you to spot their devious ways and save your mental peace.
- Seek Support: Surround yourself with supportive friends or family who understand and care about you. Having a support system can help you cope with stressful situations.
- Consider Professional Help: If the relationship is making your mental health worse, consider seeking therapy or counseling.
FAQs
Do childhood experiences lead to narcissistic traits?
People with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) often develop their traits as a defense mechanism in response to childhood trauma. This trauma (often as parental abuse) may have distorted their self-image to overcome feelings of being weak and inadequate. As a result, they may have adopted grandiosity and a lack of empathy to numb their emotional pain. Ultimately, their inability to process this trauma leada to maladaptive behaviors and dysfunctional relationships.
Are covert narcissists happy in relationships?
Covert narcissists may seem to have happy relationships, but this happiness is often superficial and short-lived. They need constant validation, admiration, and control, which can make it difficult for them to form deep and meaningful connections with others. Their fragile self-esteem and sensitivity to criticism make them vulnerable to negative emotions, which can ultimately make them feel unfulfilled in relationships.
What are the 10 signs of vulnerable narcissistic abuse?
1. Gaslighting: Distorting reality to make you doubt yourself.
2. Guilt-tripping: Making you feel responsible for their feelings.
3. Victim mentality: Always portraying themselves as the victim.
4. Silent treatment: Withholding communication to punish or control.
5. Jealousy and envy: Resentful of others’ successes and happiness.
6. Sensitive to criticism: Overreacting to any form of feedback.
7. Excessive self-doubt: Constantly questioning their self-worth and skills.
8. Fear of abandonment: Anxious about being left or rejected.
9. Emotional manipulation: Using emotions to control or influence you.
10. Passive-aggressive behavior: Indirectly expressing anger or resentment.How does a covert narcissist female friend behave?
1. Emotional manipulation: They may use emotional tactics, such as guilt-tripping or playing the victim, to control and manipulate you.
2. Excessive envy: They may be envious of your accomplishments and relationships, which can result in them trying to undermine your success or create tension between you and others.
3. Sensitivity to criticism: They may be overly sensitive to any perceived criticism and may react negatively or defensively when confronted.
4. Passive-aggressive behavior: Instead of expressing their feelings directly, they may engage in passive-aggressive actions, such as giving you the silent treatment, making snide remarks, or subtly sabotaging your efforts.
5. Fear of abandonment: Covert narcissist female friends may be insecure in relationships and exhibit a fear of abandonment, causing them to cling to you or demand excessive reassurance.Is there a highly intelligent covert narcissist?
Yes, highly intelligent covert narcissists exist, although not all covert narcissists are intelligent. Their intelligence can make their manipulative tactics even more subtle and effective, making it harder for others to recognize their narcissistic behaviors. These people may be skilled at masking their true intentions and adapting to various social situations.
Do covert narcissists have friends?
Covert narcissists can have friends, but their friendships are often superficial and based on manipulation or fulfilling their own needs, rather than genuine connections and mutual support. They may struggle to maintain long-lasting, meaningful friendships due to their hidden narcissistic tendencies.
Final Words
“Relationships with narcissists are held in place by hope of a ‘someday better,’ with little evidence to support it will ever arrive.”
— Ramani Durvasula
All narcissists use the core features of self-importance and entitlement. Their two more traits are Envy and Vindictiveness.
Beware sharing your success path with a covert narcissist. They cannot genuinely celebrate your accomplishments.
Actually, their deep-seated insecurity makes them envy your success. They feel threatened by your progress, seeing it as a spotlight on their inadequacies.
√ Also Read: 7 Weird Things Covert Narcissists Do (Strange Behaviors!)
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