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— By Dr. Sandip Roy.Apologies don’t come naturally to a narcissist. I know it first hand: All my narcissist acquaintances rarely utter “Sorry,” however big their mistake.
On rare occasions, when they apologize, something seems off. You are never satisfied with how they express their apologies. Why?
Apologies = regretful acknowledgments of an offense.
A genuine “Sorry” comes with an underlying sense of regret.
But a narcissist’s “Sorry” never carries any regret. Plus, they don’t mean to change their ways afterward.
3 Takeaways:
- A narcissist’s apology is superficial and unrepentant.
- Their apologies carry no commitment to change their behavior.
- They often apologize to pacify the hurt person and avoid consequences.
Read on to find out what shapes their apologies, from psychology.
Do Narcissists Ever Apologize
Narcissists can and do apologize, but it is rare. They usually apologize:
- to deflect or defuse the situation,
- to make the hurt person feel better, or
- to save themselves from harm or humiliation.
When forced to apologize, they tend to include others in their apology, like, “We are all sorry to have failed you,” — not “I am sorry.”
Examples of Narcissistic Apology
- “Ok, I am sorry. Are you happy now?”
- “I apologize if I offended you, but you are too sensitive.”
- “Sorry for what happened, but it wasn’t entirely my fault.”
- “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I was just telling the truth.”
- “I apologize, you misunderstood me. You didn’t get the joke.”
- “I apologize for any inconvenience, but it really wasn’t a big deal.”
- “I guess I owe you an apology, but you should have known I was joking.”
- Did you know that narcissists have two faces — one nice, one cruel: Two Faces of Narcissists: How To Keep Them Showing Their Nice Side
What Motives Make A Narcissist Apologize
A narcissist’s apology is for the sake of some benefit, not genuine remorse. Here are the key reasons:
- Avoiding Negative Consequences: They want to evade accountability or escape the ramifications of their actions. The apology is a strategic move to avoid facing any penalties.
- Control A Disputed Situation: In a disputed situation, they apologize to regain dominance or control. The apology is less about making amends and more about leveraging the situation to their advantage.
- Superficial Resolution: Once they have de-escalated the conflict with their apology, they quickly move past the incident. They have no plans to change their behavior in the future. They just want to defuse the situation with a smooth apology, that’s all.
- Preserving Public Image: Narcissists are highly concerned with how others perceive them. They apologize to maintain their “good” self-image and preserve their “faultless” reputation in the public.
- Manipulating Emotions: Their apology can be a tactic to sway the victim’s feelings. Like gaining their trust, evoking their sympathy or pity, or getting some future benefit. They have no intention of truly changing their ways.
- Preventing Relationship Loss: If a narcissist values a relationship for its benefits, they may apologize to prevent losing it. Their concern isn’t for the person, but for the personal advantages the relationship provides.
- Creating an Illusion of Empathy: To give the appearance of understanding and caring, they might apologize. However, this display is often just a pretense that masks their unconcern.
- Deflecting Further Scrutiny: They offer an apology to deflect further examination or criticism of their behavior. Their quick “sorry” aims to silence their critics and avoid deeper scrutiny.
These apologies are ultimately more about serving their own feelings, needs, or image.
What Makes Up A Narcissist’s Apology
Narcissistic apologies are defensive strategies.
- Escapist and Self-Saving: Narcissists say “sorry” to escape the consequence — avoid conflicts, evade punishment, deflect blame, or save their likable public face. Not out of empathy or genuine concern for the hurt they caused.
- Deflection and Blame-Shifting: They won’t take responsibility for their wrongdoings. Their default is to deflect, rationalize, or shift the blame to others. Their apologies come with excuses or accusations, turning the focus away from their hand in the act.
- Pseudo-Apologies: Narcissistic apologies that are insincere. They are disguised to create the illusion of remorse — to manipulate their victim into letting them escape trouble. These pseudo-apologies are setups for self-defense, often without a trace of regret.
- Gaslighting Tactics: This is the worst part — some of their apologies are a form of gaslighting. Their apology includes words that invalidate your feelings. Or they twist the situation to mark you as the offender (not them). This leaves you even more confused and hurt.
- Lack of Genuine Remorse: Their apologies are mostly hollow, with no regret and no commitment to change or improve their behavior. Over time, those close to the narcissist come to realize that these apologies are meaningless.
- Manipulative Expectations: When a narcissist apologizes, they expect you to accept it and pardon them immediately. If you don’t, they can accuse you of being unreasonable. Or even call you a bad person who makes them behave cruelly.
- Shame Alleviation: Narcissistic apologies are also a way to reduce their feelings of shame. They don’t talk about what they did wrong or promise to fix it because it can make them feel even worse. Their apologies are to soothe their own egos.
- Further Harm: Ironically, a narcissistic apology often leaves the recipient feeling worse than before. The insincerity and manipulation behind the apology can deepen the emotional wounds instead of healing them.
- Underlying Arrogance: Their inflated sense of self-importance makes them see their admitting fault or showing remorse as a sign of weakness or a threat to their ego. Because of this, their apologies—if they even bother to give one—often come off as arrogant or condescending, which only makes things worse in their relationships.
- Alienation of Victims: Over time, people close to the narcissist may start to feel alienated and frustrated by their inability to offer a sincere apology. They might wonder, “Does he care so little about me that he can’t admit he hurt me? Is his ego so big that he cannot ask for forgiveness?”
Typical Patterns of A Narcissist’s Apologies
A narcissist’s “mea culpas” lack the depth and sincerity of a true apology.
- Insincerity: Phrases like “I didn’t mean to hurt you, but…” or “I’m sorry if you think I was wrong,” hollow out their implicit claim of a sincere apology. They show they don’t really feel sorry for what they did wrong.
- Reluctance To Accept Responsibility: Phrases like “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I apologize if you say so” show their intention to dodge the blame for their role in causing harm.
- Blame-Shifting: Remarks such as “You’re just as responsible as I am” or “It wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t…” try to redirect the fault to other people or external circumstances, letting them bypass acknowledging their mistake or misbehavior.
- Making Excuses: Things like “I was just stressed out” or “That’s just how I am” justify their behavior and evade accountability. These are more about deflecting blame or criticism, rather than a heartfelt admission.
- Minimizing The Offense: They use “You’re making a big deal out of nothing” or “It wasn’t all that serious as you’re making it” to downplay the severity of their actions. These imply that the offended person is judging them strictly.
- Manipulation: Statements like “Let’s just forget about it and move on” or “I said I’m sorry, what more do you want?” are to placate or silence the other person, without any true intent to resolve the issue or change behavior.
How A Narcissist’s Apologies Affect Relationships
Most narcissistic relationships last as long as the non-narcissist keeps making concessions and sacrifices.
A narcissist, while apologizing:
- Keeps the original issues unresolved.
- Does not address the damage they caused.
- Makes no effort to help the hurt person heal or expect better treatment.
- Lets the other person stay frustrated, invalidated, and unable to trust the relationship.
Narcissistic Apology And Their Lack of Empathy
Empathy is the ability to understand another person’s thoughts, feelings, or emotional state. A key trait of narcissism is an empathy deficit (a lack of empathy).
This empathy deficit unquestionably affects their apologies in several ways:
- Superficial Understanding of Harm: Since they cannot truly understand others’ feelings, they cannot grasp the severity of the hurt their actions caused. So their apologies are emotionally shallow, which doesn’t move the other person.
- Absence of Genuine Remorse: Empathy lets us feel remorse. The empathy deficit in narcissists strips their apologies of genuine regret for their wrongs. Their apology might be mechanically correct, but these people are not emotionally hurting inside.
- Focus on Self over Others: Their apologies are more about protecting their ego or image, rather than acknowledging and addressing the pain they caused. The “empathy-less” apology ultimately serves to maintain their self-esteem or manipulate the situation to their advantage.
- Inability to Acknowledge The Impact of Actions: Empathy helps us take accountability for the consequences of our actions. The empathy deficit in narcissists makes their apologies devoid of any intention to take responsibility for the negative outcomes of their behavior.
- Manipulative Intentions: Their apologies are often a means to an end – to manipulate, control, get attention, regain favor, or keep the other person engaged in the relationship. Rather than to heal or elevate the relationship.
FAQs
What are the elements of a genuine apology?
A genuine apology is unconditional, and typically includes the following key elements:
1. True Remorse: The person apologizing conveys sincere regret for their actions, that they understand and feel sorry for the hurt or harm caused.
2. Acknowledgment: It identifies the specific wrongdoing, and asks for clarification on what other actions or words caused harm.
3. Taking Responsibility: They accept full responsibility for their actions, without making excuses or shifting blame to others or external circumstances.
4. Commitment to Change: There is a clear promise or assurance to not repeat the behavior, and a willingness to learn and grow from the experience.
5. Request for Forgiveness: A genuine apology seeks forgiveness. Though it indicates a desire to repair the relationship, it doesn’t mean forcing the offended person’s decision to forgive or continue the relationship.
6. Offer to Make Amends: The apology-seeker asks what steps they can take to rectify the harm done or improve the situation, showing their intent to fix things or pay back.What elements make up a narcissist’s apologies?
A narcissist’s apology typically has:
1. Superficial Remorse: A narcissist’s regrets are insincere. They say Sorry without feeling sorry. Their apologies do not carry the intention of understanding the harm caused beyond superficially.
2. Vague or Absent Acknowledgment: Narcissists avoid acknowledging specifically what they did wrong. Their apologies are vague, so they cannot be held accountable or forced to change their ways.
3. Shifting Responsibility: Narcissists pass on the blame to others or circumstances, fully or partially. If they cannot get away, they try to include others to make it a group accountability.
4. No Genuine Commitment to Change: Their “promises to change” lack sincerity. A hallmark of a narcissist’s apology is that there is no real commitment to stop the hurtful behavior.
5. Manipulative Request for Forgiveness: Their asking for forgiveness is more manipulative than genuine, so they can quickly move past the issue without any resolution or change.
6. Lack of Offer to Make Amends: Narcissists typically don’t offer concrete steps to compensate for their actions, nor show any willingness to put effort into healing or rectifying the situation.
Final Words
A narcissist’s apologies are mostly insincere words and self-serving motives. Typically, they are excuses that bounce any responsibility away from themselves.
Try not to believe their apologies easily, as their words are free of genuine regrets and intentions of mending their ways.
Once you understand the nature of their apologies, you can handle narcissistic people better.
√ Also Read:
- Narcissistic Word Salad: How They Confuse You
- 10 Strange Behaviors of Narcissists In Relationships
- How To Make A Narcissist Regret Losing You?
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