Why It’s Hard To Forgive Yourself? Why You Can’t Just Do It?

why is it hard to forgive yourself

Historically, it may come as a surprise that the modern concept of forgiveness appeared late — in the seventeenth century. It did not exist in ancient Greece and Rome. Startlingly, it is also not fully present in the early Jewish and Christian commentaries on the Holy Scriptures (Konstan, 2010).

Scientifically, the surprising fact is that forgiveness can help us get better of our physical issues, besides healing our emotional wounds. Studies show it can lower the risk of a heart attack, improve cholesterol levels and sleep quality, and reduce pain, blood pressure, anxiety, stress, and depression.

Researchers found forgiveness also links to a longer lifespan.

Now, unless you think you were born a god, you know you will keep making mistakes throughout your life. Errors and faults are so utterly human things. But, no matter how well you know that for a fact, forgiving is a tough act.

And forgiving yourself for your sins or snafus is harder still. You may pardon your friend for a wrong deed, but not forgive yourself for the same thing.

But why self-forgiveness is hard to come by? Why does it seem so tough to forgive yourself?

Why Can’t You Forgive Yourself?

It is hard to forgive oneself because one may not permit self-forgiveness while wanting to keep on suffering or equate it with condoning and allowing future hurtful acts, or it is not in their nature as with narcissists and idealists.

Now, forgiving yourself is not just saying the words, “I forgive myself.” Doing only that does not offer majorly to the entire process of self-forgiveness.

Forgiving yourself means replacing anger, resentment, and bitterness with compassion, amiability, and affection. Self-forgiveness helps you become a kind and understanding friend to yourself.

In positive psychology, forgiveness is a character strength.

Self-forgiveness is not merely saying “I forgive myself” — it’s much more.

The best thing is, we can learn to do it better and better. The professor of law and ethics, and philosopher, Martha Nussbaum, says forgiveness is a skill we can hone (Nussbaum, 2016).

[Forgiveness is] a change of heart on the part of the victim, who gives up anger and resentment in response to the offender’s confession and contrition.

— Martha Nussbaum, Anger And Forgiveness

Find out how can you forgive yourself for hurting someone.

7 Reasons Why Is Self-Forgiveness Hard?

Forgiving yourself for your misdeeds can be an excruciating task. While you find it easy to pardon everyone else in the world, but just not yourself. Perhaps you have forgiven yourself for most of your peccadilloes, but still, there is that one mistake you cannot let yourself off.

Here are seven possible reasons why it is hard to forgive yourself:

1. Finding Hard To Allow Self-Forgiveness

Forgiving yourself for your misdeeds can be an excruciating task. While you find it easy to pardon everyone else in the world, but just not yourself. Perhaps you have forgiven yourself for most of your peccadilloes, but still, there is that one mistake you cannot let yourself off.

Forgiveness is often almost impossible if you do not ask for it.

Can you forgive someone who does not ask for forgiveness? So, if you do not ask yourself for an exclusive pardon for a past wrong, how could you imagine yourself forgiving your own self?

Also, the question goes way beyond “can you.” Now, must you forgive when you do not get asked for it? Probably no, not.

Next, there is the question of permission. Even when you have asked yourself for permission, you did not receive a wholehearted consent for a reprieve. So what do you do? You do not forgive yourself, right?

Maybe the person who you were when you made that mistake is no more the same person who you are in the present. It’s almost as if that former self has left the world, or you’ve lost touch with that self.

You can’t ask the victim of your wrongdoing to forgive you yourself, so you cannot forgive yourself.

It could also be you do not have, or cannot gather enough courage to ask yourself for forgiveness.

Therefore, you cannot forgive yourself.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It cools the heart and cools the sting.

— William Arthur Ward

2. Forgetting The Act of Self-Forgiveness

Forgetting a pardon you got from yourself for a grave mistake is alarmingly common. The strange thing is, you remember the mistake all too clear. And you still hurt from the guilt and shame that came with it. But you forget you gave yourself a pardon for that.

You forget that you already forgave yourself long back. Because all that conversation happened in your head. A good idea to prevent it: write it down somewhere, as in a paper diary or a digital notebook.

Most of us can forgive and forget. We just don’t want the other person to forget that we forgave.

— Ivern Ball

3. Unwilling To Condone Themselves

To condone means to accept and approve an act that’s morally offensive or wrong. When you condone a behavior, you overlook it or look the other way when it’s on.

You think by forgiving yourself, you will condone yourself for an unpardonable offense.

You think if you forgive yourself for something in your past that was morally wrong, your subconscious mind will accept the apology and pre-approve similar behavior in the future.

There’s a related legal term called condonation. It means one’s approval of another’s activities, making up a defense to fault a divorce. In marriage, condonation is a voluntary pardon by the innocent spouse of an offense committed by their partner based on a promise that it will not recur.

An example of condonation: A certain wife did not object to her husband’s adultery, even though she was aware of it. But later, she tries to use it as grounds for a divorce and a settlement in her favor. The husband could counter these efforts by arguing she had already condoned his behavior.

Anyway, by forgiving yourself, you feel you’re letting yourself off the hook. This act you fear might open you up to carry out similar sins in the future.

Hence, you can’t bring yourself to pardon yourself.

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.

— Mahatma Gandhi

4. Wanting To Keep On Suffering

Penance is a kind of punishment you inflict on yourself as repentance for wrongdoing. You punish yourself privately or publicly to show you are sorry for your wrongful act.

You could deprive yourself of all solid food for a day in the week to show your repentance. You could give up eating your favorite food for the rest of your life as a form of penance. You could take cold showers in the dead of winters to make yourself suffer.

Penance can also become a continuous series of good acts that you keep doing for others to pay for your past failures. You could go out every evening to pick up all plastic rubble from all your neighborhood because years back, a cow died because of eating food-filled plastic bags.

Although the noun penance can mean any remorse for past mistakes, or any voluntary action meant to right the wrong, Penance, with a capital P, also refers specifically to a sacrament in the Catholic Church. When a person receives Penance, he or she confesses sins to a priest, and along with a blessing, they receive an order to do something, such as carrying out some community service. This assignment is also called penance.

In the end, you’re firm in your belief that you should never forgive yourself and keep on suffering the same way, or even more, you made the other person suffer. You feel the only way of atonement is to keep suffering.

So, there’s no self-forgiveness. Instead, there will be self-inflicted suffering.

As long as you don’t forgive, who and whatever it is will occupy a rent-free space in your mind.

— Isabelle Holland

5. Preferring To Live In Denial

You do not own up or let it ever sink in you made any mistake. So, where’s the question of forgiving if no one made any mistakes? You deny it to yourself, and you deny it to all others who come to confront you on it.

In some probability, you’d pass a lie detector test while denying it — because your mind doesn’t believe it happened of your fault.

He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass.

— George Herbert

6. Being A Narcissist

Narcissists find it hard to forgive people even for minor faults. The reasons are one, they lack empathy for others, and two, they have a bloated sense of self-importance.

In fact, marriage and family therapist Linda Graham writes:

In my clinical training, I learned the short-cut diagnosis for a narcissistic personality was someone who could never say “thank you” or say “I’m sorry.” You may encounter people like that on a daily basis; you may work for them or live with them.

A narcissist truly believes they are too good to make any mistake of their own accord, and it’s always the other people, or the rest of the world, who are at fault. It is they who always make the narcissist do that.

They are the ones to blame for the wrong. So, why should they forgive themselves for another person’s sin?

Worse still, they consider themselves above all mistakes, as they are too perfect for doing something wrong. Everything they do seems justified and above any blame.

Now, you might be a closet narcissist and take extreme caution to hide it from the world. But, in your heart of hearts, you know who you are. So, while the wound of that past sin keeps on festering, you can’t bring yourself to forgive yourself even in your personal space.

In the end, sadly, you reject your own proposal to forgive yourself.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.

—Louis B Smedes

7. Being An Idealist

You think it’s not righteous for you the judge to forgive you the sinner. That whole thing of self-forgiveness is akin to moral depravity in your idealist view.

Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future.

— Paul Boose

Final Words

To err is human, we know too well. But do not let yourself be defined by those errors. By carrying along with you those mistakes as shame, you deprive yourself of a brighter and happier future.

How can I forgive myself and move on?

Forgiveness is a healing process that allows us to let go of anger, guilt, shame, sadness, and bitterness, and move on. Once we correctly pinpoint the emotion, allow it to have a voice, and accept it is only human to make mistakes, we can begin the process of forgiveness. Thereafter, when we have forgiven ourselves fully, we can truly move on in life.

Now that you realize the real reason you can’t forgive yourself, why not set out on a journey of self-forgiveness? Learn How To Forgive Yourself In 7 Steps.

• Did it occur to you ever you might be afraid to love yourself? Then you must bookmark these wise quotes on self-love.

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Author Bio: Sandip Roy is psychology writer, happiness researcher, and medical doctor. Founder of Happiness India Project, and chief editor of its blog. He writes popular-science articles on positive psychology and related topics.

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