How To Cut Your Trauma Bonds After A Toxic Breakup

✅ Today's Thursday • 📖 17 mins read

— By Dr. Sandip Roy.

A trauma bond is a disturbing emotional connection between an abuser and their victim. The abuser uses manipulation tactics and cycles of abuse to make the victim feel dependent on them for care and validation.

It’s a confusing mix of love, fear, and dependency that can feel impossible to escape from.

Trauma bonds often happen in narcissistic relationships, whether romantically, in families, in friendships, or in work settings.

Breaking free starts with recognizing and accepting how it has trapped you in the relationship. Frankly, the realization process is painful, but it is the first step toward healing.

How Are Trauma Bonds Formed

Trauma bonds often form when long periods of manipulation, criticism, and hostility are interrupted by brief episodes of kindness and love by the same abuser. It’s called intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment.

It conditions the victim to believe that they can get praise, love, and validation “if they do their best to keep their narcissist happy.”

Over time, they tend to forget the harsh behavior and cherish the kind acts.

When they leave their narcissist, they miss the loving gestures and attention they used to receive. This makes them want to go back to them.

• Read: What Are The 7 Stages of Trauma Bonding?

7 Strategies To Break A Trauma Bond After A Breakup

The main problem with breakups in trauma-bonded relationships is that you have strong urges to go back into the abusive relationship.

Many victims simply refuse to accept that they have been trauma-bonded, even when shown the clear signs. You can’t heal if you don’t accept you’re hurting.

So, first, write it down somewhere:

“I accept they have trauma bonded me and have been holding me captive in the relationship. Because of that, I will have cravings to go back to them even after breaking up, like a helpless dog. But I won’t give in to those urges.”

Here are 7 ways to break your trauma bonds after a breakup with the abuser in your life:

1. Recognize The Trauma Bond & Educate Yourself

Breaking free from a trauma bond begins with the painful but necessary step of recognizing its existence in your life.

It becomes somewhat easier to deal with once you accept that you have been trauma-bonded and will have strong urges to go back to them after the breakup.

Realize the Presence of a Trauma Bond:
This is the moment when you see the pattern of abuse and control that’s been hidden in plain sight. You might feel a mix of emotions, from anger to sadness, but this realization is the first step toward freedom. It’s acknowledging that the relationship isn’t healthy and that you deserve better.

Trauma bonding involves power rather than love.

– Heidi Christensen, Trauma Bonding In Intimate Partners

Heidi Christensen explains:

“Trauma bonding consists of strong, relation-based emotional ties between an abuser and victim, which are reinforced through powerful paradoxical attachments, where one person intermittently harasses, beats, threatens, abuses, or intimidates the other.”

This abuse reinforces the attachments, which manifest themselves in positive feelings and attitudes by the subjugated party for the intermittently maltreating or abusive party.

Understand the Need to Break Free:
Knowing that something needs to change is different from wanting to change it. You must feel a deep, inner urge to break free from the bond. It’s a commitment to yourself that you won’t allow this pattern to continue. It’s a promise that you’ll take steps to heal.

Educate Yourself About Its Harms:
Understanding the trauma bond means digging into what it is and how it affects you. It’s a complex mix of emotional manipulation, dependency, and fear. Read books, watch videos, or talk to professionals who can help you see the full picture. The more you know, the more empowered you’ll feel to break the bond. Recognizing a trauma bond is like turning on a light in a dark room. Suddenly, you can see what’s been hidden, and you have the power to change it. It’s a tough step, but it’s the foundation of everything that comes next.

2. Create A Safety Plan To Change Your Situation

Creating a safety plan is the next vital step.

Prepare yourself for the journey ahead, ensuring that you have the support and resources to protect both your physical and emotional well-being.

Ensure Your Physical Safety:
Breaking a trauma bond can be a turbulent process, especially if the abuser is someone close to you. Think first about your physical safety. Find a safe place to stay, have a friend or family member on call, or even consider involving law enforcement if necessary. Consider possible worst-case scenarios and have a plan for each.

Protect Your Emotional Well-Being:
Emotional safety (psychological safety) is just as crucial. Know what triggers you and have strategies to cope. Consult support groups (online or offline) and therapists to find coping strategies. Create a list of activities that make you feel good and keep them handy for tough moments.

Build a Support Network:
Don’t go through this alone. You do not have to face it alone, even though you chose to enter the abusive relationship on your own. Reach out to friends, family, or support groups who can be there for you. Surround yourself with supportive people who understand what you’re going through. Sometimes, just having someone to talk to can make a world of difference. If possible, consider professional counseling or therapy.

Have a Plan for Communication:
If you must communicate with the abuser, have a plan for how to handle it. This might include having someone else present, communicating only in writing, or setting specific boundaries for when and how communication can occur.

Consider Legal Assistance:
Depending on your situation, legal assistance might be necessary. Know your rights and consider consulting with a legal professional to understand your options. Creating a safety plan is like building a safety net. It gives you the confidence to move forward, knowing that you’ve thought through the challenges and have strategies to handle them. It’s not just about avoiding harm; it’s about creating a supportive environment where you can heal.

3. Distance Yourself From The Abuser

Distancing yourself, both physically and emotionally, from the abuser is critical to help break a trauma bond.

It creates physical and emotional safe spaces that allow you to “look at your wounds” and heal, without the constant presence of the person who has caused you harm.

Create Physical Distance:
This might mean moving to a different location, changing your routine to avoid accidental encounters, or even obtaining a restraining order if necessary. Physical distance is about putting barriers between you and the abuser, so you have the room to breathe and rebuild.

Establish Emotional Boundaries:
Emotional distance is just as vital. It means cutting off communication or limiting it to only what’s most necessary. Block their phone numbers, social media, and other channels. Make a firm decision not to engage in arguments or be pulled back into the toxic dynamic.

Share Your Safety Concerns With Others:
Let friends and family know what’s happening and ask for their support in maintaining this distance. Sometimes, having others who understand and support your decision can make it easier to stick to your boundaries.

Understand It’s a Process:
Distancing yourself from an abuser isn’t always a one-time action. It’s a process that might require ongoing effort and vigilance. Be patient with yourself and recognize that it’s normal to feel a range of emotions, from relief to guilt or even grief.

Prepare for Possible Resistance:
The abuser might not accept your decision to distance yourself easily. Be prepared for attempts to manipulate, guilt-trip, or even threaten you. Stick to your decision and seek professional help if needed. Distancing yourself from the abuser is like cutting off a toxic limb that’s been holding you back. It’s painful and challenging, but it’s necessary for growth and healing. It’s a declaration of self-respect and a commitment to a future where you are in control.

4. Focus On The Present Moment and Self-Care

Healing from a trauma bond is a journey that requires attention to the present moment and a commitment to self-care.

It’s about finding joy and peace in the here and now, and nurturing yourself in ways that promote healing and growth.

Engage in Activities That Make You Feel Good:
Whether it’s exercise, hobbies, art, or spending time with loved ones, find activities that bring you joy and make you feel alive. These activities aren’t just distractions; they’re pathways to healing, helping you reconnect with yourself and what you love.

Stop Overthinking and Focus on What’s Real:
Stop overthinking what you went through and imagining what worse could have happened, and instead, focus on what’s real and what you can control. This shift in focus can free you from the grip of fear and anxiety, allowing you to move forward with clarity and purpose.

Practice Mindfulness:
Mindfulness is about being fully present in the moment, without judgment. It can be a powerful tool in healing, helping you to observe your thoughts and feelings without getting caught up in them. Consider mindfulness practices like this 15-minute mindfulness meditation, deep breathing, or simply paying attention to your senses.

Take Care of Your Body:
Eat well, sleep enough, and move your body in ways that feel good. Your physical well-being is closely connected to your emotional well-being, so treat your body with kindness and respect.

Create a Self-Care Routine:
Build a daily or weekly routine that includes time for yourself. It might be as simple as reading a book, taking a bath, or going for a walk. Consistency in self-care can create a sense of stability and comfort.

Avoid Unnecessary Stress:
Recognize what stresses you and try to minimize or eliminate them. This might include cutting back on work, avoiding certain people, or saying no to obligations that don’t serve you.

Celebrate Small Wins:
Healing is a process, and it’s essential to recognize and celebrate progress, even if it’s small. Acknowledge your efforts and be proud of every step you take towards healing. Focusing on the present moment and self-care is like tending to a plant. Youprepare yourself with the knowledge that you will now nurture yourself and give yourself the time, space, and love to grow. It’s a gentle, ongoing process to transform pain into strength, resilience, and joy.

5. Keep a Journal and Consider Your Future

Keeping a journal and considering your future are powerful tools in breaking a trauma bond. They allow you to reflect, plan, and envision a life free from the constraints of the past.

Write Down Your Feelings and Thoughts:
Keeping a journal is a way to connect with yourself. Put pen to paper and let your thoughts and feelings flow. Write about your fears, your hopes, your struggles, and your triumphs. Don’t censor yourself; let it all out. This practice can be therapeutic. It is a proven method to provide insights into your healing process and reduce the stress of past trauma, and it’s called expressive writing therapy.

Reflect on Your Past:
Sometimes, looking back can help you move forward. Reflect on what you’ve been through, what you’ve learned, and how you’ve grown. Recognize the patterns that led to the trauma bond and how you can avoid them in the future.

Think About What You Want Moving Forward:
Consider your future and set goals that align with your values and desires. It’s not just about moving away from something; it’s about moving towards something better and growing stronger with each passing day. It’s called post-traumatic growth and resilience.

• What does a life free from the trauma bond look like?
• What do you want to achieve?
• What makes you happy?

Create a Vision Board or Future Map:
If writing isn’t your thing, consider creating a visual representation of your future. Cut out images, words, or symbols that resonate with you and arrange them in a way that inspires you. This can be a powerful reminder of where you’re headed.

Use Your Journal as a Tool for Growth:
Your journal is not just for venting your negative emotions, but to see beyond them and grow. Review it regularly to see how far you’ve come, what patterns emerge, and what you still need to work on. It’s a tangible record of your journey that can provide encouragement and direction. Keeping a journal and considering your future is like having a conversation with yourself.

It’s a chance to get to know yourself better, to dream, to plan, and to take control of your destiny. It’s a practice that can bring clarity, hope, and empowerment to your journey of healing.

6. Focus On Your Healing and Recovery From A Trauma Bond

Old traumas have a habit of showing up unexpectedly.

Staying committed to healing and freeing yourself from a trauma bond is a continuous process.

It’s about giving yourself permission to heal, embracing self-compassion, and concentrating on rebuilding a life that reflects who you truly are.

Work Through Emotional Healing:
Emotional healing involves working through the pain and trauma with the support of therapy and self-care practices. You may start meditation, journaling, mindfulness exercises, spending time with loved ones, or engaging in hobbies that bring joy. These practices are not just soothing; they’re proven to help you understand and heal your emotions.

Take Care of Your Physical Well-being:
Your physical health matters too. Proper nutrition, exercise, and sleep can aid in recovery, supporting both your body and mind.

Permit Yourself to Get Well:
Healing takes time, and it’s not always a linear process. Give yourself permission to heal at your own pace. Understand that there will be ups and downs, and that’s okay. What matters is your commitment to getting well and moving forward.

Maintain Self-Compassion:
Be gentle with yourself. Breaking a trauma bond is hard work, and you’ve come a long way. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding.

Rebuild Relationships:
Reconnecting with friends and family and building new, healthy relationships is a vital part of healing. Surround yourself with supportive people.

Find New Hobbies and Interests:
Engage in hobbies and interests that bring joy and fulfillment. This can help in rebuilding a positive self-image and aligning your life with what brings you joy.

Embrace Positivity:
Focus on positive thoughts and affirmations. A positive mindset can help in healing and moving forward, empowering you to flourish rather than going through the motions.

Consider Ongoing Support:
Think about what ongoing support looks like for you. Whether it’s therapy, support groups, or continued self-care practices, this support is essential.

Celebrate Your Progress:
Acknowledge and celebrate how far you’ve come. You’ve broken a trauma bond, and that’s a significant achievement. Honor yourself and your journey. Focusing on your healing and recovery from a trauma bond is like rising from the ashes. It’s a rebirth, a chance to redefine who you are and what you want from life. It’s a journey filled with challenges, but also immense growth, joy, and fulfillment.

You’ve got the tools, the knowledge, and the strength to create a life that’s authentically yours.

Trauma bonding occurs in a dating or marital relationship.

– Dutton & Painter, 1981

7. Talk To A Professional

Consider professional guidance if your journey to break a trauma bond stirs up intense emotions or memories.

A therapist or counselor isn’t just an expert; they’re a supportive guide who can help you navigate these feelings safely.

Whether it’s through journaling or other means, professional help can be a vital part of your healing process, providing insights and strategies tailored to your unique situation.

What Happens When A Trauma Bond Breaks?

Initially, when a trauma bond is broken, it can feel like losing your best friend, your lover, or even your family. There is:

• Sadness: Grief for the loss of the relationship, despite knowing that it was unhealthy.
• Anger: Anger at the narcissist, and/or anger at oneself for staying in the relationship for so long.
• Guilt & Shame: Narcissists frequently instill guilt or shame in their victims, convincing them that they are wrong to leave the relationship and will get karmic punishment for it.
• Anxiety: Stress is a normal response to leaving set patterns of a relationship, compounded by anxious thoughts about how to cope on one’s own.
• Fear: You may be afraid of what the abuser will do to you now that you have left them.
• Craving to go back: There is often a desire to return to the relationship, hoping that the narcissist will behave better, and they will have a “fairytale” relationship.

What Are The Signs of Healing of A Trauma Bond?

A healed trauma bond will evoke a range of emotions:

• Relief: A sense of peace and relief that they are no longer in the abusive relationship.
• Hope: Bright hopes about the future and the opportunities to have healthy relationships.
• Strength: Feeling strong and empowered for having survived the trauma and broken out.
• Confidence: Gradual confidence in the ability to make decisions and trust own judgments.
• Learnings: A priority to set boundaries in any new relationship, and pick up early signals of narcissistic nature.

Signs that a person has been completely healed from a broken trauma bond:

• Can enjoy life and feel positive about the future.
• Can talk about the relationship without feeling overwhelmed.
• Have built new healthy relationships based on love and respect.
• Can trust themselves and make decisions without needing to get validated.
• Have developed healthy coping mechanisms to deal with the stress of painful memories.

FAQs

1. What is a trauma bond?

A trauma bond is an emotional attachment between a victim and their abuser formed through a cycle of intermittent reward and punishment. Repeated swings between kindness and harm create a powerful, confusing connection that’s hard to leave. Recognising the bond and its influence is the first step toward breaking it.

2. What are the 3 signs of a trauma bond?

1. Inability to break up: You can’t end the relationship or repeatedly return after breakups despite feeling unhappy.
2. Making excuses: You rationalise or defend the abuser’s behaviour and justify staying when others raise concerns.
3. Fantasies of being loved: You obsess about being missed, appreciated, or loved by the person who hurt you.

3. How can you recognize a trauma bond?

These signs often develop slowly and can be subtle:

• Emotional dependence: Strong attachment despite repeated harm.
• Confusion and denial: Minimising abuse or making excuses for the abuser.
• Fear and anxiety: Constant worry about pleasing the abuser or avoiding anger.
• Inconsistent rewards and punishments: A push–pull pattern of kindness and cruelty.
• Isolation from support: Reduced contact with friends/family, often due to manipulation.
• Low self‑esteem: Declining confidence and belief that you deserve the treatment.

Final Words

Breaking a trauma bond can be a difficult and painful process, but healing and recovery are achievable.

You have to move past the anger, guilt, and fear of abandonment. With time, these negative emotions will eventually subside.

One can break a trauma bond on their own, using self-compassion journaling, self‑care, and rebuilding social support. Therapy can help speed up the process, especially from trauma-informed therapists.

Therapists and counselors specializing in relationship trauma can help you with support and guidance on how to break a trauma bond successfully.

√ Also Read: Do Sociopaths Have Feelings? Can They Cry?

√ Please share it with someone if you found this helpful.

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