Today's Friday • 10 mins read
— By Dr. Sandip Roy.
Narcissists never miss a chance to put us down. While we are on our toes to please them.
But why? Because it keeps their victims giving them their narcissistic supply without any questions.
The best solution is to leave them, even if you have no money. If you can’t because you work with them, live with them, or have kids with them, you need to stop their rudeness.
Read on to know ten compelling ways to make them show you respect.
Here’s how to make narcissists respect you:
1. Let them see you as an extension of themselves.
Narcissists are so focused on themselves that it is hard for them to see others as separate individuals with unique needs and feelings.
You use this against them. Keep reminding them that you are so much like them by pointing out the similarities, and they will take a liking to you and have respect for you.
Statements that work:
- “Remember what you were telling me last week? I went home and thought about it. And I felt that it was the same with me.”
- “She is just as you say she is, a purely vindictive boss. I have the same thoughts about them.”
When they get the validation that you see yourself as an extension of them, they are less likely to hurt you because you are “them”; how can they hurt “themselves”?
Thereafter, gradually start setting boundaries. And, more crucially, get them to agree to your boundaries, verbally or in written form.
For example:
“I enjoy hearing stories you don’t tell anyone, but I won’t stay up or wake up at night to listen to them. I am not your 3 AM friend. In fact, I’m not your friend any time between 10 PM and 8 AM.”
Choose your words carefully with a narcissist. They can use a loophole in your words to manipulate you.
2. Train them to respect you.
Being in a narcissistic relationship means they will take you for granted, devalue you, and treat you badly.
Do this to handle them:
- Interact with them only when they are on good behavior and are fun and helpful to be around.
- Ignore them when they are insulting, demanding, or displeased with you.
Stop talking to them when their “magnanimous” masks slip. Train them to understand that you will go ‘No Contact’ with them until they start being fun, good, or useful.
In any case, do not invest too much effort into the relationship, for most of your emotions won’t be reciprocated. They will either treat your happiness with envy or try to pull down your mood in one way or the other.
Starve them of empathy. Warn about the consequences of their further bad conduct and implement them.
When they devalue you, but you cannot avoid contact with them, use the “Gray Rock technique.” Like giving one-word responses, and treating them as if they don’t exist.
You may try mildly humiliating a narcissist into modifying their behavior. Note that “mildly” is the crucial word there, and only when you feel safe. Why? Read the next one.
3. Predict their mood shifts and choose your days.
Narcissists can get violent at the drop of a hat. There is always a base level of aggression going on in them that can burst into narcissistic rage.
But the thing is, it is a predictable behavior most of the time. Once you learn to read their mood shifts, you can win their respect and get them to do you favors during their good mood periods.
Read their moods and play off them. Stay out of their way when they are in a foul mood, and stay around to boost their ego when they are feeling joyous.
What upsets them most is people criticizing them or holding them responsible for a mess-up. Don’t trigger their fears by pointing out their mistakes and dereliction of duties.
Narcissists will only have hatred for you for feedback that doesn’t praise them, as they cannot take any criticism as constructive feedback.
Leave them feeling good by lavishly praising them all day, and they will respect you and be more likely to follow your legitimate wishes.
However, do not overdo it and always keep yourself safe. Why? Read the next one.
4. Let them sometimes win and feel good at defeating you.
Narcissists hate to lose. When they find you’ve taken them for a ride, they take it as a humiliating defeat. They hold a grudge against you for life.
So, to gain their respect, the idea is to let them win, and let them know that they deserved the win.
Once narcissists perceive that they have won a battle, they tend to back off and leave you in peace and hold you in respect.
In case you cannot let them win, give them at least something to win out of an engagement, and let the whole deal come off as a win-win or zero-sum game.
Of course, they will want you to cater to their needs first.
Give them what they want, mainly attention and praise, in controlled doses. It will keep their egos puffed up just enough.
Praise the narcissist without coming off as a vengeful hyena or a sacrificial goat.
5. Give them gifts and buy them things.
Narcissists alienate people with their nature and behavior for two reasons:
- They make almost every gift-giver feel as if they deserve the gift.
- They’re typical takers, people who mostly take from others but rarely give.
Moreover, they are often not as pleased with the gift as you imagine them to be.
So, since they hardly receive gifts, they love it when you buy them things.
Give them small gifts or buy them dinners from time to time. It will have them hold you in the respect that “you remembered to value them.”
You may even cook and gift them one of their favorite meals.
But don’t tow along a boatload of expectations in return. Why? Read on.
6. Be clear about what you want from them.
- First, don’t expect that they will do good things for you because you did so for them.
- Second, when they do good, and it’s rare, they always expect a return gift.
So, when you compliment them, do not expect them to say thanks for your good comments.
You praise them so that they become pliable. Once you have their egos boosted, you can get them to do what you want from them.
Stay clear and firm about your needs and requirements from them.
Your compliments can be insincere, but always make it a point to deliver them with extreme believability.
- Tell them they look great, how perfectly they carried out a certain project, and why only they deserve a promotion.
- Assure them that it was not at all their fault that a project failed.
However, don’t do it too often.
Or do it so often that they are lured into believing that you have no option but to praise them, as they are the greatest people you will ever meet in your life.
Agree with those narcissistic quips: “I am the best thing that ever happened to you.”
If your goal is to get them to do things for you, reply with, “I’d believe you’re the best thing for me if you do this for me.”
7. Build a strongly positive mindset and high self-esteem.
Narcissists target people who with vulnerable self-esteem. They know these people can be easily manipulated.
Still, they hate these people because they remind them of their own hidden, fragile egos.
So, even if a narcissist manages to make their target believe that they respect them, they actually do not. They hold a rather resentful attitude toward their victims.
To get their true respect, you have to achieve things like:
- power positions,
- lots of money, or
- incredible looks.
They associate those with high self-esteem and high value.
Strangely, a narcissist will highly value another narcissist who is more powerful or wealthy than they are.
Dictators are mostly narcissists, and their band of followers are also narcissists.
So, build yourself a positive mindset and high self-esteem. Prioritize self-kindness, self-empathy, and self-love. Respect yourself, be self-assured, and project high value.
When the narcissist sees you as stronger than they are, they respect you.
8. Apologize to them, even for no fault of yours.
If they hold you responsible for one of their mistakes, apologize to them.
If they say, “I was late to the meeting because you got up late and were late to make me breakfast,” just say “Sorry” without meaning it.
You may even tell them it was your mistake before they can point it out to you. They will also be pleased to know that next time you will ask for their advice before embarking on a project.
Of course, if you haven’t done anything wrong, then remind yourself that all your apologies are fake.
9. Respect them for their skills and talents.
Respect them truly for their skills. Many narcissists reach high positions and acquire great expertise through their doggedness and persistence.
Keep your emotional distance from them as you treat them with respect.
Be on an acquaintance level with those they respect. Strengthen your support network, for they fear strong support.
All through this, always stay self-respecting. It means you do not seek other people’s opinions to validate your worth. Never go against your principles to please the narcissist and gain their respect.
Keep reminding yourself, “I am fine as I am, and do not need their validation to become better.”
Hold them accountable for what they committed to you. This might win you their respect, as well as make them fear you a little.
Drill it into their heads that you do not let them backtrack on their words.
And learn the next skill.
10. Learn to say “No” More Forcefully
Learning to say “No” more emphatically is crucial.
First, because they always tend to violate the boundaries you set with them. Firmly tell them No to such violations in the future.
Second, they habitually say disrespectful things about almost everyone. If they are telling you negative things about others, especially people you know, stop them with “No.”
Learning to say “No” projects a sense of no-nonsense authority.
If you find they are constantly finding faults with you and putting you down, handle them with a strict “No.”
Find out how to say “No” more often.
Final Words
Let’s close this with a personal anecdote:
A narcissist I knew too well had borrowed a giant sum of money from me. Then they won’t return it.
When I asked them to, they started giving it in small monthly installments. The whole thing would have taken 5 years, and I was ready for that.
But they stopped within a year, citing financial distress, and did not restart even after two years.
The idea was to keep me hooked so that I could be useful to them. So once they concluded I would not be furious, they stopped paying me back.
Narcs think people do things only for money. So they will keep holding on to the money you loaned them because they feel it gives them an upper hand.
So, what did I do? I waived it all and moved away from the relationship permanently. It may not be the most advisable thing to do, but I did it because I cared about my well-being more than the money.
Remember that your mental health is the most important thing and that self-care is your best friend.
If it makes you unhappy, stop “acting” to appease them. End the relationship if you feel it has become toxic beyond repair.
If needed, seek help from experts experienced in narcissistic abuse recovery, narcissistic abuse support groups, and legal authorities.
√ Please share it with someone if you found this helpful.
√ Also Read: How to manipulate a narcissist?